Page 4

Panic floods through my bones, a cold terror like nothing I’ve ever known. A series of horrific images race through my mind, and a sharp pain stabs me through the chest.

Is this what it feels like to be a parent?

I never imagined the world could be so dangerous!

“Where would he go?” I ask, hoping that Clara has a mundane answer.

“I don’t know,” Clara wails, shaking her head. “Sometimes this happens. He’s been having terrible nightmares these days, and he just runs off—”

“Nightmares?” I echo, horror dawning on me as I absorb her words.

He’s approaching his first shift…

I have to find him!

“I don’t know where to start,” Clara says frantically. “But he usually heads towards the woods. If we go that way, it’s our best chance.”

“Wait,” I say softly, holding up my hand. Tilting my head to the side, I close my eyes and focus on Nico’s scent. It’s heavy in the air, mixed with Clara’s and the everyday scents of the home.

Walking slowly, I go out the front door, then close my eyes again. The scent isn’t hard to track. Nico’s blood calls to mine with the urgency of a siren on a speeding ambulance.

“What is it, Galen?” Clara asks.

“I can track him,” I answer. “Follow me.”

I hear her close the door and hurry along behind me as I jog up the path. The closer to the woods we get, the stronger Nico’s scent becomes.

It’s not just that he’s near, either. He’s sweating and hot, as if he’s been running hard or has a fever.

Potentially both.

Clara stays on my heels as I enter the trees. I don’t need to focus now, as Nico’s scent is clear against the tall pines and damp soil. I track him without difficulty, and when I crest over a small rise and see him lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of a tree, equal parts of fear and relief crash through me.

I found him!

Is he okay? Is he dead? Is he breathing?

Please, let him breathe!

Clara screams behind me, putting on a burst of speed that leaves me in the dust. I struggle to keep up as she bolts to Nico, throwing herself down on the ground in front of him and putting her hand on his cheek.

“Nico, baby, it’s Mom. Talk to me.”

Nico murmurs, but doesn’t open his eyes. Sweat is pouring down his forehead. Even though he looks pale, there are bright red spots on his cheeks.

“He’s burning up!” Clara cries. “We have to get him home!”

“What’s happening?” I demand. “Is he sick?”

Clara turns to look at me, her eyes deeply troubled. A dull ache spreads in my chest as I realize my worst fears are true.

“He’s preparing to shift,” I mutter.

“That’s what I thought,” Clara says, her voice tight with fear. “Hey, Nico,” she whispers, turning to him and stroking his cheek. “Are you okay, baby?”

Suddenly, Nico wakes up and screams. His eyes are wide, the whites of them blazing with a sickly yellow sheen. I’m so stunned, I take a step back, but Clara grabs his shoulders and shakes him, looking right into his face.

“Nico, Nico!” she shouts. “Can you hear me? Please, baby!”

Nico screams again, his pupils narrowing into points. His eyes don’t move, but stay fixed straight ahead on something we can’t see.

Something that isn’t real.

Suddenly, Nico growls. The sound seems too deep and menacing to have come from such a small child. Clara lets go of him in a hurry, but she doesn’t back away.

In a movement faster than any of us can follow, Nico gets up and runs, scrabbling around with his hands and feet, trying to run on all fours. He tears through the forest, growling and snarling as he fights against his own body.

I chase him down—I don’t know what else to do. I don’t need to call on my wolf at all—Nico’s movements are fast but frenzied and clumsy. I easily catch up with him and pounce, pinning him to the ground.

“Nico!” I yell, trying to get through to him. His eyes are filming over with milky white, and as he gnashes his teeth together, spit foams at the edge of his mouth.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? He’s having a seizure!

Nico lunges at me, snapping, and my wolf responds. A growl rips from deep inside my chest, rumbling through my teeth and echoing around the forest. Nico goes limp under me and whimpers a little, but his eyes stay white and unfocused.

“Nico!” Clara screams, catching up to us. She throws herself down beside me and grabs Nico’s hand, clinging to him.

“What did you do to him?” she screams. “What happened? Nico, wake up!”

“All I did was pin him,” I answer. “I didn’t want him to keep running in that state.”

Clara pushes me out of the way, shooting me a fierce glare. As she strokes Nico’s cheek and croons to him, he slowly blinks. When his eyes finally open, they are soft and honey-gold again.

“Mom?” he whispers.

Clara grabs him and clutches him to her chest, sobbing with relief. I watch them both, trying to sort through the turmoil of emotions rioting in my guts.

I’ve had a son for a couple of hours, and I’m already overwhelmed. How does anyone do this?

Watching Clara rock Nico and stroke his hair, I realize that I could withstand any pain if I knew that he would be okay. I suddenly feel a vulnerability I’d never imagined, but also an incredible strength that comes with it.

“It’s his shifter gene,” I say. “He’s going through the awakening.”

“I thought so,” Clara answers. “But isn’t the first shift always on the full moon?”

“It is,” I agree. “And it’s only a crescent right now. This doesn’t make sense. How long has this been going on?”

“At least a month. Maybe a little longer.”

I shake my head. “He should have turned by now, but it’s lucky he didn’t. Do you know what can happen if a wolf shifts for the first time without any guidance?”

Clara just nods, and in her gold eyes, I see a terrible despair. The lines on her face suddenly stand out to me, and I wonder how long she has gone without a decent night’s sleep.

Not just sleep, but the constant worry gnawing at her day after day, thinking about Nico’s suffering. I’ve experienced this worry for only several minutes, but this has been her whole life.

I reach out and rub her shoulder gently, trying to give her strength. She’s been desperate and helpless for such a long time now, trying to cope with this alone. Even though I’m still upset she didn’t tell me about Nico, I realize how incredibly difficult her struggle has been, and my heart goes out to her.

“Here,” I whisper, holding out my hands. “Give him to me.”

Clara reluctantly loosens her grip, and I gather Nico in my arms. He snuggles against my chest, and a wave of love sweeps through me, so powerful that it hurts. The way he rests his head on my chest and gently clings to me touches me deeply. He’s never met me until today, but instinctively, he knows he’s safe.

We walk home quietly, Clara following behind us. I wonder how many times this has happened, and if she’s had to carry Nico home by herself.

He’s not heavy to me, but for her, he would be. She must be exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

By the time we reach the road, the sun has sunk behind the horizon, leaving only a dull red glow against the darkening sky. The street is quiet, with only the faint sounds of families settling down for the evening accompanying the lights coming on in the houses’ front windows.

When we get back, I wait for Clara to open the door and carry Nico in behind her. She checks to see if he is asleep, then puts a finger to her lips. Nodding in agreement, I follow her to Nico’s room, where we tuck him in and tiptoe out of the room.

I take one last look at my son, making sure his breathing is slow and even and that he’s properly asleep. Satisfied that he’s truly resting, I follow Clara down to the kitchen.

When we get there, she turns on a lamp and makes coffee mechanically, collapsing at the table with her hands wrapped around the cup. I realize then that she wasn’t making coffee for me—this is her usual routine after bringing Nico home after one of these episodes, and she’s repeating it on autopilot.

I make a cup for myself and sit down in front of Clara, but she barely acknowledges me. Her eyes stare dully at the tabletop, and her face is drawn with exhaustion and worry.

“How many times has this happened?” I ask.

“Too many,” she answers, her voice rough. “All the time. I don’t know.”

My heart twists in my chest, and for the first time in my life, my eyes sting with emotion. I can’t stand the thought of Clara suffering like this, all alone with no one to turn to. She and Nico have been in terrible pain, and I could have prevented it.

But she didn’t tell me!

The angry voice rages in the back of my mind. I can’t feel guilty for something I didn’t even know about, and this logic fights the dull ache of failure settled in my guts. I wrestle with these feelings silently for a moment, trying to find a way to speak to Clara that doesn’t sound argumentative.

She didn’t tell me, but I had just broken up with her. She left the pack. If I hadn’t betrayed her, then maybe…

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, pushing my words through the pain in my heart. “I’m so sorry you had to deal with this alone.”

She looks up at me, not raising her head, only moving her eyes. The dull, utterly exhausted look on her face only hurts me even more.

“I have to be honest, I am upset you didn’t tell me about Nico,” I admit, “but I understand why you did it. I broke your trust, and all I want to do is earn it back. I never forgot you, Clara. I always intended to come back to you and explain. I just needed time—”

“How could I have stayed there?” she asks, her voice dull and defeated. “I suffered so badly in that town, and you were my only lifeline. Without you, there was nothing for me there.”

“I understand,” I answer. “I really do. But please, give me the chance to make it up to you. For your sake, and for Nico’s.”

She sighs. “Of course. You want to claim your son. I expected that to happen if you ever found out.”

“That’s not what this is about,” I say, my voice hardening. “I knew from the moment I came through at the lake that you were there, and I was finally going to get my chance to apologize to you. I didn’t know about Nico then, and I didn’t know about him when I tracked you to West Glacier and knocked on your door.”

She nods, considering that. “Okay,” she murmurs. “I believe you. But I still don’t trust you, Galen. I understand your need to make this right with me, and that you aren’t just doing your duty to your son. But that doesn’t heal my heart.”

“I know,” I answer, wishing I could reach out for her hand. “I promise, I will show you how sorry I am, and how much I still love you. Every single moment we shared was real—I want you to know that. They don’t have to be bad memories. I was there with you, every second. You were the only one I ever showed my true self to.”

Clara looks up at me, and I can see that I’ve struck a nerve. The pain in me escalates a little more as I think about her crying over those beautiful memories we made, cursing my name for lying to her, having my fun with her, and then discarding her.

But that’s not what happened!

I know that, but she doesn’t. I had to play the dutiful alpha part to perfection so my family and pack members would leave me—and her—alone. Clara also doesn’t know that breaking up with her was the kindest thing I could have done to her.

My parents and other high pack members would have made her life a living hell. It would have been worse for her than ever—they would have to destroy her and run her out of town.

Another layer of guilt sinks into my guts, making me feel physically ill.

That’s just what I did to her, anyway.

I look across the table. Clara’s eyes are closed, her head almost resting on her chest. She looks so broken and so beautiful, I just want to take her in my arms and sweep her up, away to a place where nothing can ever hurt her again.

“Clara?” I say softly.

She mutters under her breath and jumps a little. “Sorry, I was dozing. What did you say?”

“Nothing yet,” I reply. “Did you hear what I said before?”

She nods, her face tight with strain. “I heard you. I understand where you’re coming from.”

“Okay,” I say, sighing. “All I’m asking is that you give me a chance, because all I’ve wanted, more than anything, is to make up for what I did to you. But now we find ourselves in this situation where we are bound by a marriage contract, and our son needs us. Both of us.”

Clara looks at me, her eyes flickering with golden fire as she considers my words. “How did you even end up on the website?”

“I'd come out of another meeting with the elders,” I say, frowning at the memory. “They were on my case about getting a mate… which I couldn’t do.”

Because I never stopped loving you.

I pause, waiting for a reaction. But she doesn’t give me one, so I just plow forward.

“Winnie signed me up as a joke. I wasn’t going to do it. But when Iris sent me the contract, I just had this feeling I should sign. That it would at least shut up the elders and give me something to focus on, if I truly had lost you forever.”

Clara nods. “I understand. I felt something similar, but mostly, I just needed another wolf to help Nico.”

“You’ve got one.”

“I don’t know, Galen—”

“Please, Clara,” I urge. “Come home with me. Come home with our son. I can help him, and he so desperately needs it.”

Her eyes flood with tears, and even though her pain cuts through me, I’m also deeply moved by her strength.

She did this all alone, and she was going to keep doing it. I can’t imagine how much she’s suffered.

“Okay,” she replies, wiping tears from her cheeks. “I’ll come back. I’ll honor the contract. But this isn’t about us—it’s about helping Nico. Do you understand?”

“Yes, of course,” I answer, but I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I’ll be with my son, and I’ll finally have my chance to make it up to Clara. I’ll respect her boundary and not ask for more.

But I will never stop showing her how much I still love her.