Page 23 of Beguiled

“You were different last time too,” he retorted.

Murdo’s eyebrow rose. “Whatever do you mean?” There was amusement in his voice. The mask was still firmly in place.

“You pushed me,” David said. “You did things to me you knew I’d never have permitted in my right mind.”

He paused then, remembering. Considering, perhaps for the first time, what might have been going through Murdo’s head that night. “I think you deliberately set out to provoke me,” he said slowly. “Perhaps you wanted to see just how far you could push me.”

Murdo’s mask stayed in place, but the amusement had faded. After a long moment of silence, he said softly, “Is that what you think?”

David considered. “I think you enjoyed shocking me.”

A flash in Murdo’s dark eyes. He didn’t like that.

“You make it sound like I was playing with you,” he said.

“Weren’t you?”

“No. I admit I wanted to shake you up—wakeyou up. But I just wanted you to see yourself!”

David gave a harsh laugh. “You assumed I didn’t see myself already?”

“Iknewyou didn’t,” Murdo shot back. “Not as you are.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I already knew I preferred men. I’d known for—”

“You saw yourself as an abomination,” Murdo interrupted flatly. “I wanted you to see you as I see you.”

“And how exactly is that?”

“As someone—” Murdo broke off and looked away, nostrils flaring as he breathed out his anger. “You’re not an abomination, David. You’re—beautiful.”

David’s throat closed up for a moment, but he forced himself to speak, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m aman, Murdo, not a woman to be courted.”

“A man can’t be beautiful?”

“I don’t think—” David began, faltering when he remembered Murdo standing naked in the candlelight last night.

Beautiful.

“You still think this is wrong,” Murdo accused, interrupting his wayward thoughts. “Even now, after what we shared last night. You thinkyouare wrong.” He stood abruptly, his chair scraping against the floor.

For a moment, he stared down at David; then he gave a huff of exasperation and turned away, crossing the room to stand before the window and look down at the gardens below.

You thinkyouare wrong.

David racked his brains trying to find words to respond to that accusation. The truth was, he’d changed quite a lot since that first time with Murdo. In the months that had followed, he hadn’t been able to get what had happened between them out of his mind. The memories had been both a torment and a comfort, nipping at him, agitating him, making him consider things he’d once have deemed unthinkable. The possibility of tenderness and affection. The possibility of honesty, of beingknownby another. Things he’d ruled out for himself. Things that were too painful to hope for.

Those memories had been something to cherish too, a treasure he could take out and examine in his darkest moments. A remembrance that, for all his regrets, was rich with unexpected sweetness.

Slowly, David stood up from his own chair and crossed the room, coming to a halt behind the other man. Murdo had to hear his approach, but the only sign of awareness he gave was a slight tensing of his shoulders.

“I may not think I’m beautiful,” David said at last. “But I don’t think I’m preciselywrongeither. Not anymore. Not since…you.”

Murdo went very still. David felt like Murdo’s whole body was listening to him.

“If I’m honest,” David continued slowly, “I’m not surewhatI think of myself now. But it’s different to how I used to feel. Better, I mean.”

Murdo turned slowly. “How did you used to feel?” A wary curiosity filled his gaze.