Page 18

Day Two

Declan promised again to rise early to allow me privacy while I got ready for the day, but still, I woke to an eyeful of another, um, rising on his way to the bathroom.

I was definitely not thinking about that sight as we stood on the beach, picking out wetsuits for our first surf lesson.

We’d already checked with neighbors, but no one had heard or seen anything last night.

Declan surveyed the sizes of the wet suits, hands on his hips, highlighting deep V-cut abs that disappeared into his low-slung surf shorts. Tight bod. Objectively.

Snow came in to shore and led us out into the waves. Even I had to admit something about him. When he waded into the sea, the frothing water molded to his body like he was a part of it.

In contrast, Declan and I pushed and slapped at the waves in a pathetic attempt to conquer them .

Snow warned us not to drift over to the point. “Shark week,” he said. “But don’t worry. They tend to stay in the colder water.”

Shark week. His words jolted me into awareness. Had he deliberately brought this up? Was he trying to unnerve me? Should I respond to provoke a reaction? It was so tempting. No, Isla, don’t risk it, not with Declan here. Declan wore a tolerant, slight smile but always kept me in his sights.

Once we’d paddled out far enough, Snow told us to lie flat on our boards while he held the back of them. A pretty compromising view—thank God I’d rented a full wet suit from Snow, even if it was overkill in this heat. We lay still, waiting. And waiting. Ugh. I felt veeery queasy.

Declan reached for my hand. That brought me a little peace.

“You look a bit green,” he whispered. “Seasick? Me too.” He drew circles on my palm with his thumb, and my cheeks flushed at his concern.

“I get it bad,” I whispered, checking that Snow was watching the waves. “I wanted to take the medication, but it makes you tired. I’m hoping I can get used to the motion.”

“Same here.” He touched my cheek, his brow furrowed. It was a small gesture, but it felt intimate, and my skin tingled under his fingers. “Let me know if I can do anything for you.”

“I’ll yell ‘paddle,’” Snow said. “Then I’ll give you a huge push, and you paddle like a shark’s behind you. Then I’ll yell ‘pop up.’ And. You. Give. It. Heaps!”

I was desperate to move, the only way to shake the nausea. “Paddle!” yelled Snow. I popped up immediately. Yeah. Then—aaagh. My legs flew over my head, and I snatched at the empty air. Splat. Into the water.

Right. This wasn’t going to beat me. Determined and laser-focused on Snow’s tips, after a couple of rounds, I was half-scrambling, half-popping up, then standing.

Declan was sort of terrible at it and couldn’t stop laughing at himself.

Kind of endearing. Though he was struggling, he kept cheering me on.

I surfed almost all the way in. Bouncing up and down, I cheered.

My heart felt like sun sparkles on the water.

Declan caught up with me and planted a congratulatory kiss on my lips.

His salty lips against mine, his smiling eyes creased, a firm, large hand on my wet arm, sent butterflies through my belly.

Snow yelled, “Rip, tear, and lacerate those waves.” Whooping, he ran to me, his knees thrusting high through the water. “Fuck, yeah. You’re a natural, Isla. You’ve got guts.”

We high-fived. For a second it felt genuine, celebrating with him like this. I dropped my hand and my body stiffened. I had to stay on my guard.

Still, I stood in the shallows, the sea fluttering like a satin duvet over a bed.

Like a blanket for my heart. I’d always remembered this ocean as unrelentingly, vastly blue, leaving no place for my dreams, for me.

Not like London’s green ponds, tame and human-size under the lamplight.

But now I sensed the ocean’s welcome. I felt a glimmer of hope that I might fit in here after all.

“One more try, mate?” Snow said to Declan, who headed out again.

Squinting out to the waves, Snow clicked his tongue. “Declan’s hit a bit of a wall. Why don’t we hang here for a mo and figure out why?”

His concern unlatched my heart further. Maybe Snow was not the person I thought he was.

A seagull shrieked overhead. Fool. You fool. He couldn’t be my friend—otherwise, the four years of bullying I’d endured didn’t make sense. I took a deep breath. Don’t be swayed like that. Hold tight to your memories. Stay firm.

But whatever I truly felt, this was the moment to apologize.

For the sake of this case, I needed to clear the air, make friends, allow him to relax and get complacent…

then catch him out in his lies. I knew I had to ease into it to sound genuine and sincere.

“Being home has made me reflect on many things, Snow. I’ve thought a lot about how I handled that conversation with Sarge the day after Janey died.

I wanted to say I’m sorry. It must have hurt you.

” I swallowed around the spiky knot of what I longed to say to him.

“I was wrong, accusing you of being the last person to see Janey.”

Anger flashed across his face. “It was a bit more than that.” His zinc-white lips twisted, his voice a blade-fine edge.

“Yeah.” My chest tightened, forcing me to gasp uneven breaths. Oh God, I’m going to have to say it . “I basically accused you of murder. It was unforgivable.”

“I thought you had it in for me.” Snow pressed his knuckles against his forehead and grimaced.

“I’m so sorry. I was young and stupid, only fourteen.

And Janey did ask me to take that note to you.

Sarge and I acted out what I saw that night.

It was clear she had met someone taller than herself, someone Sarge’s height, which was your height.

But that’s no excuse. That didn’t mean you were the last person to see her alive.

I’d do anything to go back and change what I said.

” I was so convincing that my shoulders shuddered.

Rubbing at his eyes, he sighed. “You were a kid. You didn’t understand what you were saying.” He rolled his head back to the slight breeze. “Anyway, Sarge told me to take no notice. He told everyone you made a terrible witness, and no one believed you.”

My chest was gripped in a vise.

“In a way, I should thank you,” he said.

“It was a bad time at home. It made me take a hard look at myself. I knew I was a bully, but I was always able to justify it—tell myself the person deserved it, or my father did it to me, so why not pass it on? But when Sarge told me and then everyone what you’d said, I realized I’d taken it so far that someone thought I was a murderer. ”

The spray from a wave stung my face. “Wait. Can we go back? Sarge told everyone what I said?”

“Oh, yeah.” He raised his eyebrows, like he was surprised I didn’t know. “ Everyone. He said you were talking a load of rubbish.”

What? Shock slammed me in my solar plexus. Why did Sarge discredit me like that?

Declan torpedoed into a wave. When he surfaced, Snow held up a finger, gesturing for him to try one more time.

Had Sarge been trying to protect Snow? I had to have this out with Snow. If he didn’t think I was trying to resolve this, he wouldn’t trust me, and that would affect the case.

“I got badly bullied for that.” I held my ringing head in my hands.

This was the conversation I’d plotted for years. Lived inside my head. The waves and clouds stopped dead, waiting for his reply.

“You talking about what Cazza and Lolly did?” His top lip curled.

Hearing their names made me feel small and empty, but I tried to block it out.

When I nodded, he said, “Yeah, that was brutal. CeeCee mentions that sometimes. She was scared of them.” He looked at me, puzzled. “But that had nothing to do with me.”

Nothing to do with me. He’d dismissed me as easily as kicking a flimsy sandcastle flat. I felt sick, and sicker that his reply meant everything to me. I’d fantasized for years about his confession, but it existed only in my imagination.

“But it did.” Shakily, I stepped back and lifted my chin. “Don’t you see? They called me Squealer , like I’d told on you. And they made those pig noises during the whole of your last year at school. I was sure you gave them instructions because they’d always run back to you.”

I wanted to pummel my fists on his chest. Instead, I stared at him.

He jerked back his head, his face pounding with pitiless rage.

Here was the evidence. I wasn’t wrong about him.

This was what he’d done in high school. It always started as innocent roughhousing, then turned violent for no reason.

His eyes would switch to steel, his mouth a gash of contempt, and his horseplay would turn venomous.

He’d be tickling or nudging someone, and then he’d lift them and dump them onto the rugby pitch.

He flung his head into the water and out again, his hair spraying backward. Breathing in and out, he counted, like this was something he’d been told to do.

He slanted me a wild look. “Fuck. Okay,” he said, breathing out.

“I was a bit of an asshole, bit of a bully. In the surf too.” My board knocked against his leg, and he punched it away.

Maybe catching himself, he turned to me, almost pleading.

“But that’s why I love teaching now, putting things to right.

I never did anything to you.” Ever mercurial, he considered this for a minute, crossed his arms and set his mouth.

“Kind of insulted you’d think that, to be honest. ”

The breeze blasted me frigid.

“Cazza and Lolly followed you around.” My voice quivered, stricken. “They bullied me because of you. You must have seen that, and you never stopped them.”

He wrapped his arms around himself, and his fingers plucked at his white rash shirt, seeming uncertain for the first time. “That was shitty of them, yeah. But think of it from my point of view.” He turned to me, his eyes ice blue. “Why would I stop them when you accused me of murder?”

All my emotions battled inside my head. I’d said something of what I wanted to.

But he was forcing me to look at things from his perspective.

I’d pushed to say my piece, but, in the end, I’d gained a little of his trust. Now I had to show I accepted what he said.

I had to make myself apologize in the hopes of catching him out in a lie. It would feel like eating sand.

“I can understand what you’re saying now.

” I nodded slowly, as if considering his words deeply.

“I wish you’d intervened with those two girls, but I can understand why you didn’t.

Mum told me you went through a rough time at home.

I’m so sorry about that.” That last sentence was sincere, but next came the fake.

I leaned toward him, clutching at my chest. “I was wrong to think you were involved in Janey’s death.

My emotions got me all confused. I hope you can forgive me, and we can find a way to be friends.

I know this’ll take time, but I want to get there.

Mum and Dad obviously love you. The whole town loves you. ”

Narrowing his eyes, he considered my apology. His face started to soften.

A cry came from the waves. Declan hurtled into a spectacular smash .

“Oh God, are you okay?” I cried out as I splashed toward him. Declan surfaced and howled with frustration. I sighed with relief. “I thought you might be hurt.”

“Sorry to worry you.” He gave me a huge hug, and I hung on tight. “Could I be any more of a grommet?”

Snow joined us, vibrating with a huge belly laugh. I squinted and imagined what we looked like. A loved-up couple and their good friend. Nothing could be further from the truth.