Page 16

Both Kurgan and Relic were the first hounds born naturally, instead of being created full grown by Lucifer like the rest of us.

They were the first pups born without mated parents, since back then none of our brothers had been mated.

Lucifer chose me and Lothar to sire the pups and used our seed to impregnate demon females who volunteered for the task.

Relic was born healthy.

Kurgan had been born damaged.

I knew without doubt that I was the poison that made Kurgan this way, because Lucifer had inseminated another demon female with my seed at the same time, and my second pup had been born so sick, he’d only survived a few hours.

I’d held him in my arms before he’d slipped away, wrapped in one of my shirts, surrounded by my scent for comfort.

Something had cracked inside me when he’d taken his last shaky breath.

The handmaids had taken him from me—and emotions I’d never felt before had spilled out, had almost shattered me.

I’d been so incapacitated by what I was feeling, I’d almost lost my mind.

The only person I’d spoken to about it was Lucifer.

It was a fucked-up time, both me and Lothar hadn’t been acting like ourselves after siring our pups.

A lot of time had passed since then and memories faded, but I knew for a fact that mating wasn’t the only way to force a hound to develop emotions—pups could do it as well—mate or not. I knew firsthand.

Lucifer had fixed me, though. He’d erased those emotions when I’d fucking begged him to take them away, and thank fuck he had. He’d sealed my emotions back up tight so I could function again, but the memory of what I’d felt, had remained.

The memory of loving that pup, of seeing him suffer, watching him die—it was all still there.

I hadn’t forgotten the way I’d felt about him or Kurgan, and sitting here with him now, I realized those feelings weren’t just memories anymore.

It wasn’t as big as back then, but it was there, like a whisper growing louder.

Kurgan was mine. My son, and that connection burned in the center of my chest now.

Sutton had done that, hadn’t she?

She was the reason I was unraveling. Somehow, she was breaking through.

But how? Fucking how? Because there was only one way that could happen, and Lucifer promised that would never happen for me. Locking away my emotions wasn’t the only thing I’d asked him to do during that dark time—I’d also asked him to make sure I never found a mate, whatever it took.

I knew what it was to feel everything, all the pain and grief and hopelessness that came with losing someone you loved. I’d been there, I’d done that, and it had nearly destroyed me. I couldn’t have that. Not again.

I rubbed my temples, my fucking head pounding. When I looked up, I caught Kurgan doing the same thing, mimicking me again because he’d been so fucking isolated that he barely knew what the fuck he was. I didn’t think he’d even seen himself in a mirror.

His gaze slid between my hand and his, and he wiggled his fingers, then grinned.

“Female?” he asked again, the grin slipping.

Fuck. I wanted to take him out of here so badly, let him free, but if I did, he’d go straight to Lenny and kill her, because that’s what he did.

He killed anyone, anything, he didn’t trust, and being close to Lenny again, along with the mix of those instincts and the desire to mate, and that little female would be dead in minutes.

“She’s safe,” I said again. “No one can hurt her.”

“Meat?”

“She’s got all the food she could ever need.”

He looked back down at his hand, then back up at me. “I can…get her meat,” he said, his voice rusty as hell as he tugged on the chain hooked to the cuff around his throat.

That was more than I’d heard him say in a fucking long time. I shook my head. “You have to stay in here.”

He growled. “I’ll get her meat,” he said again and stood.

“Remember what happened last time you left?” Inexplicably, two years ago he’d sensed her from down here, and he’d busted out of his old cell, somehow found a gateway out of Hell, and gone straight to her.

He’d terrified her so badly there was no way she’d ever accept him.

Kurgan wasn’t capable of that kind of relationship, of any kind of relationship.

He’d freaked that female out so badly she barely left her house now, and if I hadn’t gotten to her in time, she’d be dead. I had no choice but to try to make him understand. “You’ll hurt her, son.”

“No.” He shook his head again, his chest and shoulders rolling as the beast pushed forward.

I knew exactly how he felt in this, didn’t I?

Kurgan wasn’t the right male for Lenny, just like I wasn’t the right male for Sutton.

Kurgan didn’t know how to control the beast, and if he escaped again, when the bloodlust finally cleared and Lenny was torn to pieces at his feet, he’d be left with the knowledge that he’d destroyed the only thing he’d ever cared about.

Kurgan exploded into his hound, snarling and growling, pawing at the floor and yanking at his chains to get free. To get to Lenny.

I wouldn’t let that happen. I would not let him suffer that pain.

No fucking way.

Lucifer answered the door when I knocked. He was wearing jeans, but they weren’t done up. Music was blaring from another room, and he was holding a beer. “Jag, my man, what can I do you for?”

I followed him into his quarters and was hit with the scent of sex. A female poked her head around the door on the other side of the room. “Are you coming back?”

“Entertain yourselves for a while, I have a guest,” he said without looking at her.

None of his handmaids were here, they would have answered the door if they were, but then, they tended to make themselves scarce when Lucifer was in the mood to fuck. They’d be close, though. His warriors were never far from him.

Lucifer sat on the couch and lifted his drink. “Want one?”

I shook my head.

“I have a roomful back there if you want to join in?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

He shrugged. “Your loss. So not a social call, then?”

“No.” I had to ask. Something was wrong. I was starting to feel again, and I needed to know why. “When I lost my pup, and you took my emotions from me, I asked you for something else.”

Lucifer stilled—it was slight, but I didn’t miss it.

His yellow eyes locked on mine. “I asked you to make it so I never found a mate, and you agreed.”

“I did,” Lucifer said.

I breathed out a rough breath. “Okay, then why am I starting to feel again?”

He placed his beer on the table beside him. “I think you know.”

I frowned. “No, I don’t.”

“You have a theory, that’s why you’re here.” Mini, his cat, slinked over and curled into his lap. Lucifer ran his hand down her back. “And fyi, that theory is correct.”

I shot to my feet, a growl rumbling from me. “You just said it wasn’t possible.”

“No, Jag, I confirmed that back then, when you were all fucked up in the head, I agreed to your request.”

“Same thing.”

“It’s not.”

“Why?” I bit out.

“Because I lied,” Lucifer said casually as he placed Mini on the seat behind him and stood as well.

“You what?” My ears started ringing, and my head spun as I struggled to drag in my next breath.

“Jagger, my brother, you have to know I have no sway when it comes to that shit. That’s the fates’ business, and I can’t meddle with that.” He shrugged again. “Back then, the state you were in, I told you what you needed to hear.”

I ran a hand down my face. “You can’t be fucking serious?”

His expression hardened. I’d veered into disrespectful and needed to get my shit under control, but it wasn’t easy.

“I did what I had to. You were ineffective in that condition. You’ve enjoyed five hundred years of ignorant bliss, plenty of time to get yourself prepared for this.”

“I haven’t prepared for it, because I didn’t think it would ever happen,” I ground out.

“Your mated brothers seem happy.” He picked up his beer. “I lied to you because I had to. You have a problem with the mate the fates chose for you, take it up with them. Now if you’ll excuse me—” He stood and strode off to join his guests in the other room.

Take it up with the fates? That wasn’t how this worked.

They didn’t change their minds.

I walked out, back into the caves, my mind racing.

Sutton was my mate. Of course she fucking was. Of course, she’d been right.

What the fuck was I going to do?

Mating Sutton would mean releasing the last of the emotion I was still holding back, releasing all that pain, experiencing it all over again. And worse, it would mean feeling all of it while I helplessly watched her grow old and eventually die.

Witches weren’t immortal, and Sutton’s witch blood was predominant, despite the way she transformed.

Hounds could sense immortality, and she wasn’t.

Her life was finite. Lucifer wouldn’t just give her immortality, either, not like he had for War.

I didn’t have anything to barter like he had had.

And unlike Relic and Dirk, my mate wasn’t already immortal.

I wouldn’t survive making her mine, allowing myself to love her, like I had that tiny pup, only to lose her.

I couldn’t watch her age and weaken. I couldn’t hold her in my arms while she slipped away.

Knowing I would eventually lose her, I’d always be holding a part of myself back, trying to protect myself from that pain, and she’d resent me for it.

Sutton deserved a mate who could give her everything she wanted. A male who could give her healthy pups and a family.

A primal roar burst inside me.

I could never give her that, and my need to protect her—from me—was just as strong as my need to make her mine.