Page 46

My brother shakes his head. “But can’t you see?

It’s not all behind you. All the doubts that man put in your head, they were just there, dormant, waiting to be amplified by the online trolls.

I’m not saying it wasn’t terrible, or that you should have to live with it, I’m just wondering if the scars he left on you are the reason you responded to it the way you did.

Why you felt you had to leave Nicky, instead of staying and fighting for your relationship. ”

His words settle in my stomach, heavy as a boulder. He’s right. Deep down, I knew my lack of self-confidence, my lack of a sense of self, made the outside noise so much harder to deal with. And perhaps a less damaged person would have navigated this all a bit better.

“You’re right. Every negative word that came at me, I heard it in Troy’s voice. And it wore me down.”

Matt draws me in for a tight hug. “What can I do to help?”

I soak in his strength, his unconditional love and support. “I think I may need to talk to someone?”

He draws back, his eyes searching my face. “Like a counsellor?”

“Yes.” Even just speaking about it with him is helping me see things clearly. Imagine what a trained professional can do. “I think it’s important. If I want to be with Nicky, then I need to fix what’s broken in here.” I knock on my head while a sly grin grows on his face.

“You want to be with Nicky?”

More than anything in this world. Times a thousand.

“Yes, but I’ve really messed up. What do I do, Matteo?”

His expression grows serious. “Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Does he know this?”

I bite my lip. “No.”

“You two are a bunch of idiots.”

Great. Wonderful. I feel fantastic.

“Thanks for the pep talk, bro.”

He rubs his three in the morning stubble with a crooked smile.

“You need to talk to him. You need to be honest about how overwhelming it has all been and admit that you’re struggling and that you’re committed to getting help.

The media attention will never go away, but Nicky is pretty powerful.

He can make things easier for you. I know it. ”

He makes it sound so easy, and I curse myself for not having this conversation with him earlier.

“I want to see him. I want to figure this out.”

Jumping off the couch, I move about the room like a person on a mission. But with no place to go.

“You can’t do anything productive right now,” Matt laughs at me. “But I have an idea.”

He details the plan he’s been hatching and a full-blown smile grows on my face. The first of its kind I’ve worn in weeks.

“Do you think he’ll want to see me?”

“Cherry,” he sighs, like I’ve asked the world’s dumbest question. “Do you want to know what Nicky told me when he called me that day from the yacht? ”

I nod so eagerly I get a neck cramp.

“He said a lot of stuff I’m going to keep between him and me.

Stuff you need to hear from his lips, not mine.

But the one thing he said that got me in the heart?

He told me you’re all he wants. That the way he feels for you?

It’s beyond the grid. Beyond anything he’s ever known.

I got the sense that day that he’d give you the world if you asked for it.

That if you asked that man to quit racing tomorrow, he would. ”

“I’d never ask him to do that.”

He squeezes my hand. “I know. Because you feel the same way about him.”

Man, what a muppet I’ve been.

“Thanks, big bro.” This time, I pull him in for a hug. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He holds me tight and I feel I can breathe again for the first time in months. “I love you, sis. It’s all going to be alright.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, thinking for the first time in a long time that perhaps he’s right. That me and Nicky, we’re going to be alright.

· · · · ·

“You’re going to Las Vegas?” Tanya’s dark eyes shine with excitement as she all but squeals when I tell her my plan.

My and Matt’s plan, actually.

“I am.”

The morning after our heart-to-heart, when Matt and I woke up, after passing out on our parents’ couch, we booked ourselves two flights to Las Vegas. The next Grand Prix on the calendar and the one where Nicky—barring any unforeseen catastrophes—will claim the championship title .

Matt had always planned to go to surprise his best friend and celebrate with him; now I’m just tagging along, hoping Nicky will be open to hearing me out.

I’m going to do a little grovelling as well if I need to.

“This is so romantic.” She gazes off into the distance with a dreamy expression on her face and I focus on the brunch in front of me until she’s ready to re-engage in the conversation.

We’re at one of my favourite Melbourne cafes and I’m more than happy to spend time with my avocado toast while she daydreams about my reunion with Nicky.

“And he doesn’t know you’re coming?” she asks, finally drifting back down to earth.

I shake my head. One of the most painful things about our separation is that we’ve not spoken since I left.

I tried to text with him, but when he didn’t respond, I left it alone, thinking it was for the best. I gave up, not wanting to distract him, but really, I think it was for self-preservation.

If just looking at him on my TV and my Instagram was this difficult, hearing his gravelly voice would have ended me.

“We thought it best to keep him in the dark. This is the biggest weekend for him. There’s no need to pull his thoughts from the task ahead of him.”

“Win the championship first, then win back the girl.” She grins and I laugh.

“The girl is well and truly won.”

She takes a sip of her Magic coffee and hums. “You know, I think he was keen on you even way back at your twenty-first.”

I tell her she’s nuts with a raised eyebrow and a dismissive hand gesture.

“No, seriously. You didn’t notice because you were all in a tizz, being the centre of attention. But the guy looked like he’d swallowed glass when he saw you.”

“That’s a bad thing,” I point out.

She thinks about this. “True. But he was stunned. Like he’d taken a punch to the stomach. And he watched you for the entire time he was there.”

My best friend, always seeing things that aren’t there.

“Come on, Tanya. He was a famous superstar, even back then. There was no way I was capturing any of his attention.”

She tuts at me. “You never see it, Cherry. You never see the effect you have on people. That’s why you ended up with Troy.”

We both make a face—looking like we’ve swallowed glass—at the mere mention of my ex-boyfriend.

“Did I tell you he messaged me?”

Her mouth falls open. “No. Tell me.”

I fish my phone out of the bottom of my bag and scroll down to his last few messages. “Here, read them for yourself.”

I watch her face turn pink, then red and then purple as she reads through the message chain.

“I’m going to kill him.”

She’ll have to get in line behind Matteo. “Eh, he’s not worth the jail time.”

She looks at the phone and then back at me, staring at the lines of hateful insults my ex-boyfriend sent my way.

After my relationship with Nicky went public, he’d taken it upon himself to send me messages listing all the ways it’s going to fail, how ridiculous I look in the photos posted of me, and how Nicky will grow tired of me, too. Just as he had.

“How are you alright with this? ”

I shrug. “I’m not alright with it. I know he’s toxic and a bad person. I guess I just realised he doesn’t have the power to hurt me anymore. Gosh, that feels incredible to say out loud. Those messages just speak to who he is; they have nothing to do with me.”

Her small hand reaches across the table to hold mine. “Now, if you can only take that and apply it to Frieda. And to all the hateful people on the internet.”

Huh. She’s right. Maybe with a little help from the counsellor who I’m seeing tomorrow, I will be able to do this.

“It’s like having brunch with a side of therapy,” I joke.

Tanya knows about my midnight breakthrough and my commitment to getting some help and like the true bestie she is, she’s one hundred per cent supportive.

She grins. “For you, I’ll charge only one hundred dollars an hour.”

I wince playfully. “No can do, bestie. I just spent an enormous chunk of my savings on that flight to Las Vegas.”

Her cute nose scrunches up in a way that is as familiar to me as my reflection. “Do you have just a little more room on that credit card of yours?”

I tilt my head in question.

“We’re going shopping. To buy an outfit that will have Nicky on his knees begging for you to come home.”

I smile and shake my head “Well, firstly what I know now is that I don’t need a fancy outfit to fit into Nicky’s world.”

Tanya pouts and I laugh. “But I’m happy to go shopping with you anyway.”

She links her arm through mine as we leave the café, stepping out into the bright mid-morning sunshine. “And what’s the second thing? ”

I think back on the broken expression I’d left on his face back in Singapore and my heart hurts. “Secondly, that man doesn’t need to beg me for anything, remember? It’s up to me now to make this work. To make it right. To beg him to let me come home.”

Home. With Nicky. The only place I want to be.