Page 53 of August Lane

“Yeah. Wasn’t easy. But things are different now.” He thought about what Bill had just told him about mistakes. “I’m different.”

Ethan nodded, still staring like he was trying to let it soak in.

Luke didn’t mind the awkward pauses. He was thrilled to be standing this close to his brother after so long.

And he had changed because the old version of himself wouldn’t have admitted that.

The old Luke would have switched to a safer subject, like where the fresh mulch came from or whether Ethan planned to power wash the driveway.

New Luke didn’t have that kind of time. He took a step forward, extended his arms and said, “Can I hug you?”

Surprised flashed across Ethan’s face, then crumbled into something raw and tender.

He shuffled forward, and their arms flew around each other, aimlessly grasping until they settled into a rocking embrace.

Luke cried into his brother’s shoulder. Ethan cried, too, and when they parted, they were both soaked and sweaty, with goofy grins on their faces.

“It was that article,” Ethan said, rubbing his nose. It was cherry red. His brother’s entire face was a splotchy flush, and it felt good to know that some things would never change. “The part where you talked about going to Nashville. That was because of me, wasn’t it? That flyer I gave you.”

“Partially,” Luke said. “You and August. It was silly, but I thought y’all would find me there. But when things got bad… well, I guess I didn’t want you to.”

Ethan sniffed, still rubbing his face. “I don’t know why I thought cutting you off would help.

Like if I hurt you enough, I’d hurt less?

I was so fucking wrong. Demetrius would bring it up in marriage counseling all the time.

How it never felt like I was arguing with him.

He’d do something innocent, like turn his phone on silent and I’d be convinced he was leaving me.

” Ethan took a deep breath. “Your messages helped. I always felt better when I got one. He noticed that, too.”

“Demetrius sounds like a good guy.”

“He’s wonderful. Patient with me, which I needed after…” His eyes slid to the house. Luke followed his gaze and cleared his throat.

“Need some help packing up?”

Ethan nodded. “She kept everything. Even stuff she claimed to throw away.” His expression darkened. “There’s something you should see.”

Luke followed Ethan inside. The living room was covered in moving boxes, which he expected.

But Ethan had also opened the attic, one of the many places Ava had forbidden them to go.

He’d pulled down a mountain of black trash bags filled with old clothes, plastic bins of toys, and pots and pans scorched to uselessness.

Ethan sifted through all of it to reveal a large box with JASON written on the side.

He offered it to Luke and said, “I didn’t open it. ”

It was sealed with old duct tape that had cracked in places. After so many years of owning nothing of his father’s, Luke couldn’t bring himself to touch the box. Whatever was inside probably wasn’t much. Just enough to devastate him. “I don’t think I can.”

Ethan pulled a box cutter from his pocket and swiped it over the tape. They both stared at the contents like the man himself had been stowed inside. Luke spotted a photo album and grabbed it first.

There were baby pictures and class photos.

Luke took in the slow evolution of his father, captured in snapshots and family portraits.

Instead of being a story, his father became a person.

A child who’d become a man. There were pictures of him with Ava, who looked young and beautiful and so vibrantly in love it could have leaked into his hands.

“Look.” Ethan pointed to something else in the box. A book. Luke’s breath caught when he realized it was Jason’s poems, the copy Ava had taken from him all those years ago. He opened it and saw his old notes on the pages, music he thought he’d lost forever.

Discovering Ava’s lie should have made him angry. But it didn’t. He didn’t think of her at all. Miracles were supposed to be more than just an old book in a dusty box, but he’d leave the big ones for other people. He’d take this feeling, this gentle realignment of his heart every time.

There were more books in the box. Luke pulled out the slim volumes, one by one, reading the familiar titles of his father’s work with his heart pounding.

There was one he didn’t recognize, The Bones of Us , that had been published before he was born.

He flipped it open and read the dedication.

For Lucas. I will hear you laugh. I will hear you cry. Your blood calls my bones, always.

Luke closed it, bowed his head, and whispered, “Why would she do this?” Taking one book out of spite, he understood. But Jason had written this for him. Obviously wanted him to have it. “Why would she keep this from me?”

“You know why,” Ethan said quietly.

Because she was in pain. Because she loved his father so much that looking at his son, his mirror image, was another ache without a cure.

And she couldn’t pretend. She couldn’t watch Luke flip through photographs and read Jason’s writings and pretend to be fine.

She never forgave his father for dying and it kept her trapped in that single moment in time.

If she was still angry that he’d gone to the bar, that he’d lost a fight, she’d never have to grieve.

“She dumped Don after you left,” Ethan said. “Told him not to come around anymore. Then she just gave up being a parent. Barely noticed when I left for college.”

“Can you forgive her?” Luke asked Ethan. “For everything?”

“I don’t know,” Ethan said, looking a lot like the trusting little kid who’d turned to Luke for guidance. “Should we?”

Luke looked at the box. Then he scanned the living room, which was filled with old junk and bad memories. “We can let go,” he told Ethan. “Sell the house. Finally stop living here if you know what I mean. Whatever happens next with Ava is up to her. But this part’s done.”

This Is Our Country : Podcast Transcript

Episode 12—“Jojo Lane”

August 21, 2024

[ cont. ]

Emma:

How did you find out about the Hall of Fame?

Jojo:

David told me.

Emma:

David Henry?

Jojo:

Yes. He knows everything before I do. He knew I was allergic to dairy before my doctor did.

Emma:

You’ve been together a long time.

Jojo:

Together. That sounds so intimate.

Emma:

I wasn’t implying anything.

Jojo:

Others have. He’s a handsome white man who stuck by me when everyone thought he should have cut his losses. Everyone assumed we were together. That’s what all the old suits thought. I was his Black mistress.

Emma:

I’m honestly not sure what to say to that. It had to be frustrating.

Jojo:

For David, yes. He had a wife at the time, and she did her best not to resent me, but she’s only human. He really should’ve dropped me, but the man is arrogant and stubborn. If he gave up on me, he’d have to admit he was wrong to sign me. And he never admits to being wrong.

Emma:

You almost sound sad when you say that.

Jojo:

You can’t get that time back. He’s so good at what he does, but grinding for me took a toll. Sometimes we hang on to things long after we should have let them go.

Emma:

After all that work, he had to be thrilled about the award.

Jojo:

He was. Maybe more than me.

Emma:

Really?

Jojo:

I mean, you saw the protests. I’ve been doing this for years, and they’re accusing me of not paying my dues.

Me. I haven’t bled enough, I guess. I changed what I sang.

How I sounded. I did everything I could to please those folks.

But all I heard was no. Not now, not you, not ever.

Finally I get one yes, and it’s a big enough yes for people to care about and suddenly I’m not qualified. I’m a gimmick.

That’s why I never wanted August to do this. I never wanted her with me, seeing what I had to do to keep going. I never wanted to teach her those lessons. But that meant I was always gone, so I didn’t teach her anything. And I don’t know how to feel about that.

Emma:

If you could go back, what would you teach her?

Jojo:

I’d say… I’d tell her not to look at me. And don’t look at anyone else. Turn off the radio and sing.