Page 8

Atlas

The Florida sun was relentless, the heat clinging to everything, including me. Sweat trickled down my back, but I barely noticed it, my focus was entirely on Kairi as she moved across the quad. I followed her but kept my distance, careful to stay out of her line of sight and keep my head down. She seemed to always be able to feel my eyes when they were on her. But I couldn’t help but look. There was something about her that pulled me in, something that stuck with me no matter how hard I tried to shake it. And it had been that way from the very first day when she told me she hated Hemingway. I hated him too. I was expected to revere him, to quote him, to embody the kind of stoic masculinity his words dripped with. In my opinion, his characters had no depth, though. I wanted depth. I wanted to be real. I wanted to feel something real, something that made my heartbeat faster. Kairi was real.

I’d followed her before. I felt like a stalker but didn’t care. I liked to make sure she was safe. Especially at times like this.

She was heading toward the back of the English building, a part of campus that was practically deserted this time of day. People had been hurt back there. Was she meeting someone? My heart pounded in my chest. I hated the thought of anyone but me touching her. Even talking to her.

Kairi disappeared around the corner, and I quickened my pace.

From the first moment I saw her, I wanted her. But I knew my parents would never approve. Not because she was Black—they were too careful, too polished to say that out loud—but because she was poor, raised by only her father. That was the real sin in their eyes. My parents had me late in life, raised me with their expectations spoken with every breath.

I was supposed to take over for my father, to carry on the family legacy. It was instilled in me from birth that there was a certain... standard, a set of rules that governed who we were and who we could be with. I was supposed to end up with someone like Ashlen. They loved Ashlen. My father wanted to see me married to her and running his company before he died. He reminded me of this any time he thought I would do something with my life outside of what he wanted.

Having Kairi meant defying the very people who had shaped me, who had laid out the path I was meant to walk. And yet, I couldn’t stop wanting her, needing her.

I reached the corner of the building and paused, ducking behind a tree. My eyes were locked on her as she pulled out a small blanket from her backpack and laid it down, then she pulled out her notebook and pens.

She leaned back against the rough brick of the building, her eyes closing for a moment as if savoring the solitude. I wondered what she was thinking. Did she ever feel the weight of the world pressing down on her, the way I did?

In a yellow sundress and ballet flats, her curly hair hanging down her shoulders, she was so fucking beautiful. But she didn’t act like she was. She was down-to-earth and kind. Everybody saw her. She was hard not to look at. She just didn’t notice them noticing her.

She’d be furious if she ever found out I was the reason the guys on campus kept their distance, the reason she’d go without dates for months. I made sure of that. I had gotten rid of Mike too. When he came back to apologize after the night he accused us of fucking, I made sure he understood I would always be around.

It wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was selfish, possessive, but it was the only way I could keep her close. I wanted to be her only option—the one she turned to, the one she leaned on, the one she let in when she needed.

Ashlen wouldn’t be. She was too self-absorbed. I don’t even think she liked Kairi. Sometimes, when she thought I wasn’t looking, I caught her staring at Kairi with something like envy. I don’t think she liked me either. She loved the idea of me—the heir to my father’s empire, the perfect accessory to her carefully curated life. I almost hated her, but she would probably end up being my wife. That was a sad reality.

I watched Kairi for what felt like hours until I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I knew it was Ashlen, but I didn’t move. I was wondering about Kairi. Did she care for me too? I knew she wasn’t as indifferent to me as she pretended. I saw the way her body reacted when I was close, but I wanted more than stolen glances and shaky breaths. I wanted confirmation. Proof.

I wanted her to look at me the way I looked at her.

I wanted her to admit it.

I wanted her attention the way she gave it to her books, to the stories she got lost in. I wanted her thoughts, the ones she never said out loud, the ones she kept locked up. I wanted to know what made her tick, what made her laugh when she was alone, what she dreamed about when she wasn’t forcing herself to be practical. She needed to be taken care of.

I wanted all of her, but she refused to let me in.

The only time she really talked to me was when I tricked her—when I picked up one of the books she loved, forcing my way into her world by reading the stories she got lost in. She had me reading books like Their Eyes Were Watching God, then The Parable of the Sower, Baldwin, Morrison. And I liked them.

She’d roll her eyes when I quoted them, but she couldn’t help herself—she talked, debated, argued with me. She hadn’t talked to me since the club incident, though.

She wanted to keep me at a distance, but I knew the truth.

She didn’t hate me.

She wanted to, but she didn’t.

And that was enough to keep me tethered to her. If she came right out and told me to leave her the fuck alone. I might. I wouldn’t.

I still thought about that night three years ago, when she took care of me when I was sick. I stayed up all night, afraid to sleep, knowing I’d probably never get another chance to lie beside her again like that.

I sighed.

She twirled her pen between her fingers, sighing too, before pressing it to her lips in thought.

And fuck, my mind went places it shouldn’t. My dick started to harden. I wanted to taste her so bad. Look her pretty skin all over. I willed myself to look away.

She could never be mine, not really. But that didn’t stop me from wanting her. It didn’t stop the obsession that had taken root inside me, growing stronger every time I saw her.

I wanted her. Badly. But I would not ask her to play second to Ashlen. Kairi wasn’t the type you put on the back burner. She deserved more than that, and I knew it.

I thought about a quote from Giovanni’s Room, the latest book I’d read because of her. Love doesn’t begin and end the way we think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of a war, torn between the life I was supposed to live and the life I wanted. Kairi was my Giovanni, the person who made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. But unlike David, I didn’t have the courage to walk away from the life that had been laid out for me. Maybe this was my war. The fight to keep myself from reaching for someone I had no business wanting.

I felt like I was suffocating without her, though.

I watched her until the sky got darker, then followed her home on foot to make sure she was safe. When we got to her apartment, not wanting to deal with Ashlen, I turned away, retreating. The weight of my longing pressed down on me, heavier than the Florida heat, and I wondered how much longer I could keep walking this tightrope before it broke.