Page 12

Willa

I ’ve never been very good at following directions.

The club isn’t exactly quiet. It strikes me as the kind of place, where even if a banger of a party isn’t raging to the dawn, quiet isn’t exactly a thing. For one, I know that there are several men rotating on shifts, keeping watch over the clubhouse and in the room where all the security feeds are kept. Wizard might still be awake, but he can’t be up twenty-four hours every single day.

Even if this was a regular time, bikers seem more like nocturnal animals than early risers.

I can hear soft voices drifting down the hall from the lounge as I tiptoe along.

Atlas never gave me the code for his room, but he did show me which one it was before he walked me and Agatha to our room like a gentleman. We’re across the club, in the section that must be reserved for guests. His is the thick of the action, right in the middle of all the other biker’s rooms.

I’m worried that by knocking, I’ll raise half the club, but when I get there, I don’t have to worry about that. The door is open a crack and the light is on.

Atlas isn’t asleep. He’s sitting on the bed, back against the black metal headboard, a book in his hands that I can tell he’s not reading.

I don’t even have to enter the room before he sighs and lowers it. “You had better come in, but leave the door open. Friends can meet. Friends can talk. But doors closed is asking for a secret to be kept.”

He curls his back away from the headboard, shifting to swing his long legs off the edge of the bed. He rubs his eyes like they’re grainy and tired. Was he waiting for me? Would he have waited all night?

Aware that the door is open, I resist the urge to hug him or kiss him, though the longing for even the smallest touch consumes me.

I sit down beside him. The mattress has almost no give I clasp my hands between my knees. I threw together a bag before I left, but overlooked pajamas, so I’m in leggings and a thrifted crewneck sweater boasting a college logo of a place I didn’t attend.

“You were so quiet tonight. I wanted to make sure that you’re holding up. It’s been a lot in a very short span of time.”

Atlas makes this sound in his throat that I take to mean that he isn’t allowed to be exhausted. He’s a man and men should be tough, always. “You should be equally exhausted.”

“I am. But there are different kinds, and you don’t look like that kind of tired.”

“Do you find me boring?”

“Boring?” Where did that come from? Nothing about this situation is anything less than anxiety inducing, bone chilling, horrible suspenseful. “Like how? I don’t really understand what you mean.”

“I’m the only guy here without a history. Everyone else has done something for this club, sacrificed somehow. Or they did it earlier in their lives, before they came.”

“So, just because you weren’t in the military or your dad wasn’t Prez or you haven’t been to jail, or you’re not so morally gray, you think you’re boring ? Who implied that?”

He studies the wall. “No one.”

“Someone must have!” Fuck the open door. I lean into him and stroke his cheek, turning him back to face me. “Why would you think that there’s anything wrong with the way you were raised?” Anger scorches my throat and bleeds into my words against my will. “Do you know how lucky you were to have a whole family unit? Your parents must have worked so hard to keep their love alive and to provide for you.”

“I’m not- that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t mean that they didn’t.”

“You had what most of the world can only dream of. You still have it.” My hand drops to his and clutches it. I squeeze too hard. “You think killing someone or beating someone up, or having a brain that’s hardwired differently is going to make you more a member of this club?”

His eyes flash and darken. “No.”

“Then what do you mean boring ?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

He tries to stand up, but I’m faster. I scramble around him, launching myself into his lap and pinning him to the bed. We’re connected now, pressed up tightly to each other, and I feel the shiver work its way through his muscles. His cock kicks beneath my ass. My pulse kicks up, my stomach clenches, and I get violent twinges between my legs that result in the fabric of my leggings growing damp.

I slide my hand to the back of his neck.

“It’s not nothing . I’m sorry.” I grasp his shoulder with my other hand, feeling for the knots beneath his t-shirt. All I can find is rock hard muscle all over, so I rub a small circle at the base of his neck instead. “I shouldn’t be getting annoying with you. I know that you don’t take your family for granted.”

“I try not to.” His eyes drop down to my mouth, not in a sexual way or with hunger, but I still want to surge forward and taste him.

“Everyone feels inadequate sometimes, or like they should be doing something more with their lives. It’s part of personal growth. For the love of freaking god, tell me you’re not planning on doing something stupid just to feel like more of a badass.”

“No.” His gaze shoots back up to mine. “Nothing like that. Although if anyone ever threatened you or tried to hurt someone in my family, I’d always put myself between you and them. I’d do anything to keep you safe. And I’d do anything that Tyrant ever asked me to do.”

“I understand. I don’t need you to be a saint or a devil. I like you the way you are.”

“Bland and boring.”

“You’re not though! Are you thinking that you want to do something more than this club? More than Hart?” I draw in a shaky breath and ask what I need to ask. “More than me?”

“Not more than the club and never more than you.” He shakes his head, truly haunted. He pales, looking almost sick. “I don’t want to leave Hart for good. I’d be fine with going away for a week or two to see other countries. The colleges here are fine. Being forced to take classes with you was a great thing.”

“What’s going on then? You’re saying all the right things, but you’re like stone, which says that something is all wrong.”

“Do you need me to be rougher? Am I unsatisfying? Am I giving you everything you need?”

I don’t want to let my jaw flap around, but it’s very hard not to gape at him. “Are you giving me everything I need?” I repeat the words just to make sure I heard him right. “I- I don’t… We’re just starting to discover each other and build something more. You’re my friend. Probably the greatest friend I’ve ever had or ever will have again.”

The friend zone sucks, but I’m not implying we should stay stuck there. I’ll always value Atlas’ friendship first, because to me, that’s the one thing that can pull people through anything. It’s an unshakable foundation where anything else can be built.

His face blanks, but his body grows more tense.

“Listen to me You’re not responsible for my happiness. You were not created to fill the holes inside of me. Throwing all that dependency on someone isn’t healthy. Doing it all on your own isn’t either. There has to be something in the middle. I’m not saying that being with you doesn’t make me happy. You bring me so much joy. You enhance the best parts of me, some of them I didn’t even know were there, but I’m not just going to give up working on myself because you’re at my side. How would that be fair to you?”

He can’t answer that. The silence stretches on, growing uncomfortable.

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like I don’t trust you or that I won’t come to you if I’m hurting or have a problem, or if I just want to share my joy and laughter. I didn’t mean that I wouldn’t listen and fight for you in return.”

The tension unspools at that, his facade cracking open to allow his regular golden warmth to blaze through. “You’re always fighting for me. Even when you don’t know it. Even when I didn’t know it.”

“We all are. If I’m not getting what you’re trying to say, or I can’t, then let’s figure out who might be able to help. Have you talked to your parents about this? Maybe Tyrant or Raiden?”

“I haven’t talked to anyone. Just you.” His face softens further. He looks sad now, so discouraged, and that kills me. “I don’t even know what I want to say.”

“Can I tell you something then? Will you hear me out?”

He nods.

“I want what most people would consider a boring life. If it’s not boring, that’s okay too because that’s just how it goes some days. I know what a life living with great loss feels like. I know what it is to struggle and be rudderless.”

I can’t imagine what life looked like for Lynette, and the fact that I never truly thought about that until this year shows how insensitive and blind I was. I appreciated her, but not like I have recently.

I run my thumb over Atlas’ bottom lip. I do realize that if anyone saw us in here like this, there’d be some questions we’d need to answer, but I need to be this close to him. I need to be connected with our bodies pressed together, with my hands on his skin, with our hearts beating just a few inches away.

“I don’t need you to be darker or rougher or more… alpha .”

Lynette is all alpha female, and somehow she makes that work with Bullet. I think people confuse alpha behavior with toxicity, and neither of them are that way with each other.

“I don’t need to be bent or molded. I can find my own way. What I want is a thoughtful, kind, considerate partner. I want to learn to grow with someone and have them teach me and learn with me too. If all of this is about growth, why don’t you talk to Tyrant about maybe taking more responsibility here at the club?”

He’s quiet, but not locked up like before. I can tell that he’s still processing. “If something’s bothering you, let’s figure out what it is. I’ll help.” I grasp his shoulders and kiss along his jawline, barely grazing my lips over his skin. He smells of leather and the minty shower gel he uses.

There’s no noise from the hallway or anywhere else, but Atlas wraps his hands around my waist and picks me up, setting me down on the edge of his bed while he stands. He crosses his arms, eyes raking my face in a hot caress. For a fleeting span of time, I’m not sure if he’s going to harden himself off and shut down again, or if he’s just searching himself and he needs an outlet for his restless energy.

I don’t expect him to tumble to his knees, wrap his arms around my thighs, and set his head in my lap. “You always know what to say,” he groans, tortured. “It’s incredible.”

I stroke his soft hair. Maybe it’s just the apprehension growing into a twisted, smothering anxiety in us. That trunk full of money fell on us like an avalanche, and now we’re here, our lives on pause, waiting for this incredibly strange scenario to play itself out. Whatever Atlas is feeling, whatever’s been bothering him, I know it’s been going on for much longer, but this situation doesn’t help.

I want to make things right for him, and I won’t stop being here, even if it takes a time to set whatever is bothering him to rights.

“You don’t have to be satisfied with life all the time because that’s impossible and change is important, but I do want you to be happy, or at least like you’re moving in the right direction. If I’m not it, if it’s this… we can go back to being just friends. It might hurt me and take some time to adjust, but I’d never just abandon you. I’ll love you any way I can. That might be easier said than done, but even if it takes years, I’ll get there. We both will.”

“No.” His arms lock around my waist. “It’s not that.” He lifts his head, my hand cradling the golden crown of it. “I don’t want that.”

I watch his thoughts race across his face like rapid shadows. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. I’m always here. Always. As a friend, and as… we figure out how to be more. It’s okay to be uncertain.”

If he’s afraid, I am too, but not for all those reasons that I first thought of last night. Truly giving yourself to another person means being vulnerable. It’s opening yourself up, but not just to them. It’s being open with yourself as well. I think that’s what Atlas is doing here. Growing pains.

When you fall in love with someone, you don’t just fall in love with the person they are in that moment. You love them for the past and for the future. You’re locked in a struggle that never stops evolving, but it can be a beautiful battle.

I want to tell him all of that, but it’s too much. Too heady and too soon.

He’s the one who traces my lips this time, before tenderly caressing my jaw. He pulls my face down to him and kisses me chastely, like a gentleman. I think he means to cut it off there, but he can’t. It goes on, his lips parting for mine, deepening until I’m throwing my whole body and soul behind it, giving him access to my heart, which has always been locked to everyone else.

He breaks away with regret and offers his hand as he stands to pull me up. “So how are you coping with all this?”

“Being here?” I say. Assuming he doesn’t mean the fact that I feel like I’m about to spontaneously combust after that kiss.

He nods. “You just got settled into your new place. Just opened the store and now everything’s on hold.”

“I’m adaptable. I have to be, because what else can I do? Actually, as I’ve got some unexpected time to myself, I’ve booked an appointment with Tarynn. I was planning on dragging Agatha along and we can have a girls’ day.”

He nods, smiling encouragingly. “I think she’d adore that.”

“She would. Yeah. I… but would you still like me if I wasn’t… if I didn’t look like this?”

He blanks, but to his credit, his answer is completely genuine. “I’m not sure what you mean, but of course I would still like you! You mean, when you age, or if your body changes?”

I hadn’t even thought about that. It all seems so far away. “I hope so. I’d like you too, even as an old grandpa. You’d be a hot grandpa.” Shit. I need to think before I speak, I know how sensitive that could be for him. “I meant my hair,” I blurt. “I was thinking about going back to being a brunette. I haven’t been one in years. I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be strange.”

“Your hair?” He tucks a strand behind my ear affectionately, caressing the strand.

I swallow the doubt down. What if Atlas is only attracted to blondes? If I made such a substantial change, would he hate it? Would he think that I was less me? Those are pretty crazy thoughts and probably stupid, but they still cycle through my brain viciously.

“I’d love whatever you do to your hair, Willa. Your body is yours . It’s not for me to tell you what to do with it. Your style, your hair, whether you want piercing or tattoos—it’s all your choice and I’ll happily support you in whatever you want, one hundred percent.”

Wow. He has no idea how monumental that is. How freaking earthshattering and how… how damn kind . I’ve met so many guys who all they want to do is dictate terms and set controls.

I kiss him unhurriedly, wishing I had the whole night to do this with him, but I have to be responsible. He knows why I’m pulling away, and I think he knows too, all the emotion that I poured into that kiss in place of all the words blocked in my throat.

“We can’t leave Agatha alone for too long.”

“She wasn’t asleep when I snuck out. I thought she was, but when I got to the door, she told me to take as much time as I needed. She promised she’d behave and not sneak out to find the weapons cache for a bit of midnight fun. She did ask me to bring her a piece of leftover pie when I came back.”

“I’ll come to the kitchen with you then. I might get one for myself.”

“I noticed you didn’t have any at dinner.”

“I was too preoccupied to eat much of anything. I’m feeling a little bit better now.”

“Try the wonton soup. It was incredible. I don’t know who placed the order at the Vietnamese takeout, but there’s still enough to feed an army.”

“I’d rather have you spread out on the table, naked, covered in—”

“Noodles and shrimp?” I laugh, then gasp when he nuzzles my neck, rubbing his rough stubble along the tender skin.

“After this bastard comes to get his cash, I’m taking you back to your place, tying you up—as you requested—and covering you in something that I’m going to lick off you.”

“Something? That’s ominous.”

He grins, tickling me right beneath my ribs, which makes jerk in his arms. I have to clamp my hand over my mouth to smother a squeal. “Not ominous. I just haven’t decided what I’m going to use yet. It’s a surprise.”

“I love surprises.”

Sometimes.

Money chest not included.

He kisses me quickly again before walking me to the door of his room. “I know.” He makes that sound so dark and mysterious that now I’m extra excited to get back to our lives.