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Amaia

T oday was about confronting all the shit I’d been putting off for as long as possible. Jax used to say that I could only outrun my problems for as long as I could steady my breath. I ran half-marathons every day. Steadying with every inhale and exhale was kind of my thing. Right now, there was no more air for me to gulp down. My world suffocated me. I was deprived of all oxygen and the only way to keep moving forward was to claw my way out, one problem at a time.

I stared up at the ceiling. With the glow coming in from the window but the lack of sun streams, it was around 5 a.m. The day wasn’t going to face itself. I sighed, moving Alexiares’s heavy arm off my waist to free myself from his bed. It was nice to sleep on a mattress for once. I hadn’t slept on my own since we’d gotten back. It’d either been the couch in my study or here, sprawled in his bed, or the couch in his and Riley’s living room.

We, as a unit, were collectively out of space. Abel and Alexiares rotated between the couch and what used to be Abel’s room—now used by Alexiares. Moe avoided her space after Seth’s betrayal. Which was fine, given that Hal, Emma, and her siblings were holed up there—remnants of her time before The Compound she was more than happy to run from. It wasn’t always fine for Reina who struggled most, craving privacy with Jessa but unwilling to stay at her place after learning about her ties to Ronan. Jessa hadn’t asked, and Reina hadn’t offered.

Elie had made things difficult enough for us all. Her brother, Rex, had finally returned, making it feel somewhat safe to go back to her home. But that didn’t mean that was where she’d end up. She was mad—at everyone, herself, the world. Between Prescott and her parents, death was hitting her hard. Elie went where Elie pleased and that was that. We were lucky that at the end of the night, she always came to stay with someone in our little band of misfits. And we always made space.

I crept out of Alexiares’s room, letting his soft snores fill the room as he grasped a pillow and snuggled deeper into the sheets. He deserved the rest. He’d barely shut his eyes since Reina gave him the all clear from the recovering—after knocking at death’s door—on the condition of intensive physical therapy. Which was why I needed to get moving on my long list of shit to do.

We couldn’t keep going this way. The amount of free space we had was limited. There had been an influx of scattered residents from fallen settlements arriving at our gates and nearby groups deciding to seek shelter inside our walls. Even if my family had the space, no one would use it. I don’t think any of us had spent a single night alone since our world crashed in around us, again .

There was a solution to our problem and I couldn’t tell if I hated it or not. Sleeping in my bed was fine if I was alone. But I didn’t want to be alone. I despised the idea of sleeping without Alexiares wrapped around me. Still, bringing another man into the bed—the room that Jax and I had shared—felt … wrong. Like it would be an insult to his name. To our memory.

Prescott’s place made sense. It was as fresh of a start that I could get, and given my recent, extremely reluctant promotion, it was close to all the politics and paperwork I now had to immerse myself in.

The warm, fresh air blowing against my cheeks as I made my way over to my quarters was welcomed. The wind swept down a tear that threatened to fall from the corner of my eye.

“You’re doing the right thing. I love you, kid.” Prescott’s last words to me before I’d taken off on our cross-country journey had haunted me since I’d learned of his fate.

Did I? Do the right thing?

It didn’t feel like it. He was dead now. As was Seth. Would confronting Seth here have made a difference? Maybe. Yes. No. Fuck . Who knows?

Ramona, a woman he had trusted, dare I say, respected, enough to appoint Stable Master after his promotion to Lieutenant, had thought otherwise. It was to no surprise that half of the cavalry had split once they’d learned of Seth’s death. They wanted to fight for him, and his honor wasn’t on our side. That had been the danger I had feared.

The risk of blind faith behind a figure they were never meant to idealize, only respect enough to follow. Seth was complicated. Too many sides to him, too many ways he could be seen. If he’d been given the chance to defend himself, his actions, his ideology … how many would have turned to Covert’s side?

And he did have honor. Just not the kind I’d hoped for.

The more time went on, the more I wanted to hate him. But the truth was, I hated what he did to our family—for betraying us, abandoning us—not him as a person. Seth had his beliefs. I’d always known that. It had been real work trying to deprogram the mess his father had molded. But he hadn’t resisted, he had tried. I could acknowledge it had been hard on him, but he. Had. Tried.

Seeing the good in him had damned us, so why couldn’t I hate him for it? In truth, the answer was blatant. It was hard to think ill of a dead person when you loved them for longer than you hated them. The good memories constantly battled to keep the bad ones away. There had been more smiles than tears, more jokes than threats. Seth had been a partner far longer than an enemy. Forcing myself to see him as anything more than a boy lost inside his mind hurt my heart now that it was absent of rage.

I slid my key into the metal latch and listened for the click. Coming into my study was not the problem, it was walking through the door to the back that had my heart beat thundering in my ears. I clenched my fist, patting it against my thigh as I took slow, deep breaths.

The door opened behind me, but I didn’t bother turning around. I knew who it was. I could always sense him. Alexiares came up behind me, his hands intertwining with mine, and he kissed the top of my head. No words left his mouth. There was nothing for him to say; he knew why I was here.

“I … I haven’t …” My voice trailed off.

“I know,” he answered softly against my curls. “I can handle the paperwork. Say no to everything and yes once. Right, that’s how politics work? I can help organize the back too, while I’m here. You don’t have to do it all.”

It was an out. One I would not take. I didn’t have to do it all, but this , this I did have to do on my own.

“No. I need to do this on my alone. I owe it to him to have this last moment. Just us.”

Alexiares nodded, the scruff along his jaw from a few days away from a razor scraped against my temple. I loved that about him. His ability to understand and read in between the lines. The privacy he provided while making me feel safe. Supported beyond reason.

His hand fell to my waist as he pulled me close. “Whatever you need. I’ll be out here going through your dust piles.”

I waited for him to slide into the seat at my desk before taking a step into the past. One last goodbye before I set my sights solely on the future.