Page 58 of Arseni

I grip the edge of the couch and force myself to stand on wobbly legs.I stumble toward the door like oxygen awaits on the other side, and when Luka blocks my way, I give him a shove.My gait is a lurching, uneven shuffle all the way out the door.

Once I’m in the hall, I flatten my back against the wall and suck in deep, fast, breaths until I no longer feel like I’m suffocating.

My eyes are closed, so it’s Luka’s footsteps that give away his presence, though I didn’t even need them.I knew he’d follow.

“Who is she?”he asks, his voice low.Kind.Like he’s speaking to someone fragile.

I open my eyes and wipe the sweat off my upper lip, pushing myself away from the wall just to prove I’m not too weak to stand.

“Some whore.What the fuck does it matter?”

“It matters because you were having a fucking panic attack in there.Who is she?”His voice is harder this time, but it’s also filled with a heavy dose of concern.Not for Margot.Luka is a lot of things, but a good guy is not one of them.His concern is for me.

And I hate him for it.I fucking hate him for it.

I turn my head just so I don’t have to look at him.“Margot Stevens.”

I don’t have to see him to feel tension wrapping around his surprise.“The foster mother?”

Bringing my bottom lip into my mouth, I nod and wish I’d never told him about her.Wish he couldn’t see how screwed up I am.

But at the same time… I don’t feel disappointed that he’s here.That one person in this building knows me, just so I don’t feel alone.Even as I put Margot through hell, it’s myself I try to coddle.

She’s right.I’m a monster.

“Is this really who you want to be?”Luka asks.“I mean, Jesus Christ, Arseni, she wasn’t your real mother.She didn’t abandon you.Pick a lighter method of revenge, for fuck’s sake.”

“This wasn’t my idea.”

“Thenstop it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”he spits.All the judgement he held back when he walked out here is in every word he speaks.But he sounds genuine too.

Margot ismypast.My problem.Mine to hurt and mine to eventually kill.It doesn’t matter what arrangement I made with Nikita.If I’m as valued to him as he claims, he would step aside if I asked him to.

That’s the problem, though.I’m not worth shit.

“Because this is a test.”Finally, I meet Luka’s eyes.“Nikita wants to know I won’t let a woman make me weak.”

“So?”Luka’s nose wrinkles as he scoffs.“Fuck him.When did you start caring about this shit?”

“When didyoustart caring about this shit?”I counter, leaning toward him.My finger stabs the air as I talk.“Don’t you dare act like you’re some kind of saint.She’s just a whore.You’ve done worse.”

His hands raise at his sides.“So what?This isn’t about me.This?—”

“It’salwaysabout you.”I step up to him until I have to raise my head to look into eyes brimming with self-righteous arrogance.It isn’t new.Luka is the most selfish person I know.

His jaw slowly unclenches, softening his features.“You’re right.”

No.

My fists tighten, my jaw tics.Anger roars so hot, it heats my sweat as I will him to sneer.To spit back.To prove everything about him I’ve come to believe.

I hate you.

Goddamn it, I hate you.