Page 18 of Approved (The Dapper Duck #1)

Chapter eighteen

WEST

If I understood what Tyler had just said, he had heard me talking to East about my feelings for him, and instead of assuming something good, he had concluded it was something bad.

Before I explained what he had heard, I needed to know how we got here.

He needed my attention, and I wanted him to know it, so I looked him in the eyes while he sat in front of me.

His face was tear-stained, and my heart broke for him.

There was damage inside of him that I hadn’t known about, but it was time to hear his truth.

Much like approaching a scared animal, I pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes carefully, then reached my hands out to him.

After a minute, he gave me the tips of his fingers, and I gripped them because I needed that physical connection.

“It’s a long story.” He looked at me.

“Good thing I have nowhere to be but right here with you.” I hoped that was a comfort to him.

“When I was fifteen, I came out to my parents, and surprisingly, they supported me. Even my siblings had my back and told me that no matter what, they would always love me. It was three months before everything changed.”

As he told his story, I wanted to punch something, or vomit, sometimes it was both.

The betrayal he had gone through would have broken many people, yet somehow, he was sunshine and had started to trust me.

He had Earl and Larry, who kept him grounded and gave him somewhere to direct that love he had filling his heart, something I started to feel from him over the last month.

His sharing love with me was a beautiful gift.

It also made clear how important Jamie was, and I knew I had to thank her for being there for him, because he needed her.

“I’m sorry I am broken,” he said after he finished his story an hour later.

Unable to stop myself, I pulled him against me, where he began to sob.

“Let it out. I’m safe. I’m sorry you were hurt like that. Tyler, what happened to you was unfair.” My hands ran over his back as I tried to heal fifteen years of damage.

The hate I felt for his family was an inferno in my heart.

There was a blazing need to wrap him up and keep him in my house for the rest of his life, where he would never be hurt again.

“Tyler, you are not broken,” I said as clearly and sincerely as possible.

“You are amazing and wonderful. I don’t want you to think I am being too much, but you are the most amazing man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

“Then why don’t you want me?”

When he said the words, Earl raised his head and looked at me from the grass where he was curled.

I swear he narrowed his eyes at me.

“Tyler, you hadn’t heard the entire conversation because I had it with him a few days before.” He cocked his head.

“What do you mean?”

“You heard me telling East he was right because I needed to tell you how I felt about you. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell you. Maybe after we made love or first thing in the morning when you were warm, cute, and sleepy, but this is our time.” I took a deep breath.

After all this, what if he still didn’t want to be with me because it was too much?

It didn’t matter, though he had to know.

“Tyler, I am in love with you, maybe it’s quick, but I know it.”

“Wait. What?” I couldn’t decide what the look on his face meant.

Was he happy?

Earl apparently got it because he was on my lap and started to rub against my face.

“I am in love with you, Tyler.”

He looked at me, confused.

“Really?”

I would be annoyed if he hadn’t told me the story about being taken to that camp, but I understood why he was skeptical because of that knowledge.

“I’ll try this again.” Even though he still looked confused, I leaned in and kissed him.

“I.” I put my hand behind his head and pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him slower but keeping my tongue to myself.

“Love.” Then I brought him hard against my lips, my tongue dove into the warmth, then sought his where they tangled together, hot and slick.

“You.” We kissed more, and I pulled him tight against me.

His teeth tugged on my lower lip as we made out in his backyard, not exchanging words, but plenty of things were said.

When we finally pulled apart, I looked at him and smiled.

“You love me!?”

I was thirty years old and felt like a newborn foal, all legs and uncertainty.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Fuck. I got that wrong.” He buried his head in my chest.

“I screwed this up.”

I laughed.

“Little bit.” My mouth found his again.

I could feel the dampness from the grass soaked into my clothes, my ass had been wet for hours, and the temperature had dropped.

It was getting cold.

“Can we take this inside before we freeze?”

“Yeah.” He smiled sweetly at me.

I reached my hand down to him, pulled him to his feet, never letting go of his hand.

When we walked inside, I realized how cold we were.

“Let’s shower to get the cold out, then we can talk some more.”

After we showered, we put on warm clothes and had hot tea.

Once we were thawed, we sat together on the couch.

“I think we need to talk a little more before bed. There is no way I can sleep right now.”

“Yeah.” He said with a closed-mouth smile.

Now that I understood more about him, we could figure out a healthy way to deal with his trauma and create a relationship that would work for us.

“Did you want to start?” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to hear, but I hoped he would guide me.

“I’m feeling my feelings right now. Did you have things to say?” I supposed it was time to put on my big boy pants and figure out if there was a future for us.

We were both in the same boat because emotions were not always the easiest things for me to deal with, and I had a whole lot of them right now.

“Well.” I chose my words carefully.

“What I said earlier, I meant. I have fallen in love with you, and I understand it was quick, but you just wiggled into my heart.” He gave me a brilliant smile, making a lump in my throat.

I knew he hadn’t said it back, but that was okay.

“I like that a lot, West.” I took his hand and kissed his knuckles.

“The term boyfriend seems to come up a lot in my head. I thought maybe we could start there.” I knew committing like that was a big thing, but I wanted it more than anything.

He nodded enthusiastically, “I want that. Yes, I’d love that.” Relief flooded through me, and another piece slipped into place inside me.

I looked over at Earl, whose entire face and chest were covered in blueberry cheesecake.

I couldn’t stop the snort that came out of me.

Tyler looked over.

“Damn it Earl.” He grabbed the cheesecake and the dragon and walked into the other room.

He returned with Earl, who was on his back, enjoying the attention as Tyler wiped him clean.

The look Tyler gave him was adoration; even though the little guy was a menace, they had a lot of love.

When Tyler sat back down, he was closer to me than when he had stood up.

His presence brought me comfort, and the fact that he chose to be near me gave me hope.

“Sorry. Even though he doesn’t overeat, I prefer he not wear his food. Go ahead and finish what you were saying. It was something about me being amazing.” His gentle teasing made me further relax.

“One of the things that I need from you, and actually the only thing I need from you, is that you deal with your trauma by getting some mental health care. Otherwise, I think you are perfect just how you are.”

He sighed.

“I think you are right. I’ve let this hold me back too long, and if I want a husband, a dragon, cats, and a slightly quirky family, then I need to take care of myself better.”

He looked up at me, and it felt like a stab to my heart.

I realized everything he had hidden wasn’t going back in the box now.

We would have to deal with everything head-on to advance our relationship.

I hated that he had this burden all these years and never found a way to get out from under the pain.

Now I understood why he had been so cautious about dating, and it gave me clarity, but it didn’t change how I felt about him.

There was one more thing, though.

“Tyler. I don’t know if anybody has ever said this before, but I am really sorry that you went through that. You were a child and should have been loved. I want to punch all of them in the throat for you if that helps.”

He looked at me again, and I could see his eyes fill with tears before he started to sob again.

I pulled him onto my lap, and I suspected we would be doing a lot of that if we moved forward—I really hoped we moved forward.

Larry crawled up on my lap, and I held all three of them; half of my family was curled up with me.

My hand rested on both small animals, and Tyler’s head rested on my shoulder.

While we sat there, I reviewed the words he had said earlier, and it sounded like he wanted us to be a family.

I don’t know how long we sat there, but Tyler moved Larry and walked out of the room without saying anything.

Unable to decide what to do, I just sat there.

Earl rearranged himself, rubbed on my jaw and neck, then cuddled in with Larry.

It took all of my will to not get up and follow Tyler to the other room, but I could hear him, and it sounded like he was looking for something.

My hands on Earl and Larry, I relaxed and waited.

When Tyler returned, he held what looked like a journal.

He handed it to me, then went to the other end of the couch, grabbed a blanket, and curled up.

“I want you to read it. Not from cover to cover, but that is from when I was in there, and you need to know who I am. Then see if you can still love me.”

Opening the journal carefully, I saw his neat cursive writing, page after page.

I picked a random page and started to read.

I’ve been here three weeks.

What he did to me today wasn’t so bad.

They say that because I am gay, it’s what I deserve.

Him fucking me is driving the devil from me, and this is the only way for him to do it.

It confuses me because his actions are exactly what they say make me an abomination.

It hurts, but I’m getting used to it, and the assaults are happening to most of the other guys, too.

At least I didn’t scream this time, which meant I got to eat.

I can’t believe god would allow this.

There is nothing wrong with me.

I am sure someone will see that soon.

Bile rose in my stomach.

How could they do such a thing?

He was a child.

Tears started to force themselves forward, and he shook his head when I dared to look over.

I picked another page further from what I had read a moment ago.

This was closer to the middle of the journal.

I read a paragraph.

I’ve tried so hard to change, but I know inside who I really am.

The only way out of here is to lie.

This seems exactly opposite of what I am being told that ‘god’ wants.

My counselor is still using my body while claiming he is doing it for my own good.

I don’t cry anymore.

I don’t even feel anything anymore.

My family sent me here, and I never thought they could hate me so much.

Unable to continue reading, I threw the book down and walked out the front door.

In the front seat of my car, I screamed, slammed my hands on the steering wheel until they ached, then I cried, and vowed I would do anything I could to help Tyler.

Then I promised to do everything I could to ensure nothing like this happened to another kid.

Sharing his journals was effective.

I had only seen the tip of the iceberg regarding the damage Tyler was living with.

Screaming more, I was unable to even take the edge off my pain and my anger at what Tyler went through.

How would I help him?

Could I help him?

I leaned forward, I closed my eyes, and rested my head between my hands on the steering wheel.

Everything inside of me ached.

I think I broke something in my hand, but inside there was a glow that I knew was my love for Tyler, and no matter what, I would be right beside him if he wanted me.

We would figure out how to help him together, but I didn’t even know if he wanted me.

Tyler hadn’t even trusted me when he overheard a phone call.

It may just be too much for him, which would kill me, but I would still help him to heal if I could.

I cried, screamed, and hit my dashboard for who knew how long, and when I was utterly exhausted, I got ready to head inside.

My hand was bruised and swollen, but my heart was full, and I knew from here forward I would protect Tyler as much as he would let me.