Page 41 of Anatomy of Us
I close my eyes and bite my lower lip. Shit. I remember it. I remember that exact moment like it's tattooed behind my eyelids.
“Nate said maybe you don't love me,” Tessa goes on. “That maybe you just want the intensity you remember from college. That you're reaching for what's familiar because it's easier than risking something new.”
“Tessa...”
“And the worst part is...” She swallows. “Nate's right about some of it.”
“What?” My eyes fly open. “About what is he right?”
“Only the part where you married him because your heart was broken.” Tessa's shoulders sag. “I'm almost sure of that. And it was a terrible choice.”
“You want the truth?” I ask.
She doesn't answer. She just watches me, eyes locked on my face like she's bracing for impact.
“Six months after you left, I still checked my phone every morning for a message from you,” I say. The words scrape on the way out. “Half a year waking up with hope you'd changed your mind. That you'd tell me you were coming back. That you'd admit it was all a mistake.” I have to look away. I take a deep breath and keep going. “And I was so empty. So completely wrecked. When Nate showed up with his fake smile and even faker promises, I thought that must be love. Something comfortable. Predictable. Not the kind of thing that splits your heart into a million pieces.”
“Zoe...”
“The worst part is I created the problems I have now,” I say, voice raw, “because it's true I never loved him. Not for real. Not one day. He knew it. I knew it. I guess we both settled. He moved up at work because of me, and I...” My throat tightens. “I pretended I was happy. Because havingsomeone beside me, even the wrong person, felt better than being alone with the hole you left.”
When I look back at Tessa, her eyes are closed. Her jaw trembles just a little.
“And being with you now... scares me,” I admit, taking her hand in both of mine. She opens her eyes, surprise flickering across her face.
“It scares you to be with me?”
“Yes.” I let out a long breath. “What I feel for you. Always. Since I met you at the university. Since the first time you shoved me against a wall and kissed me in that hallway after training.” My voice drops. “Tessa, I swear the world stopped in that second. And every day after that, when we're together, I feel it again. Nate never made me feel that. Nobody made me feel that. Only you.”
“Zoe...”
“Let me talk,” I push out, because if I stop, I might fall apart. “And as crazy as it sounds, I'd rather have the terror. I'd rather fear losing you again, fear loving you so much it hurts when the day ends, than spend the rest of my life wondering what would've happened if I'd been braver.” My chest aches. “Because you know what's the saddest part? When Nate had sex with me, I thought about you so I could keep going. That's six years. So yes, I'm a bastard to him, and you're a bastard to me for leaving and dropping me.” I huff a humorless laugh. “Now he's being a bastard about Wesley's custody. Guess nobody gets out clean. There aren't any goodpeople here. We're all the villains. Does that answer your question?” I whisper, brows lifting.
Tessa doesn't answer with words.
She smiles, faint. She leans toward me.
Slow.
Her hand slides to the back of my neck.
And she kisses me.
God. She kisses me like she's never kissed me before. Like the times we're together these past days don't count. Like her body can't take another second without me. I meet her, and my hands slip under her shirt. I search for more. I need more.
I fumble through her buttons, fast, clumsy. She yanks my T-shirt up. We're a mess of hands and breath and little sounds we swallow between mouths. Before I can catch up, I'm on my back on the couch, half naked, Tessa straddling me, her lips moving over my neck, my shoulder, my chin.
I unzip her pants and slide my fingers in, finding her slick heat while she tugs my pajama pants down, taking my underwear with them.
“You're beautiful,” she hisses, kissing my stomach.
A breath punches out of me.
“What?” she asks, lifting her head.
“Nothing.”
“Zoe...”