Page 50

W hen they reached the house, Robert drew her into the library, and as soon as the door was shut, he seized her hands, words tripping over themselves.

“I am an idiot. I am so sorry, Sarah. I behaved abominably toward you. I need to tell you that I found Lannister’s card in your desk drawer that morning I left you abruptly. I—”

“Is that why you disappeared all day?”

“Yes. I was beside myself over Lannister. I tried to forget about it, but clearly I couldn’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid of what you might say, that you might confirm my fears. I confess I am a coward. I told myself that it was absurd to be jealous of Lannister and I pretended to believe it, but when I saw Ashford’s hands on you, it all just boiled over.

It was actually Lannister I wanted to hit.

Instead, I hit Emrys. My behavior is appalling. ”

“Did you apologize to Emrys?”

“I did.”

“Good.” She paused, as if gathering herself. Raising her eyes to his, she asked, “Is the child truly the earl’s?”

“Yes. I broke with Madeleine before Christmas, and Lannister was with her in February, well after she knew she could not be with child by me. She confessed the whole of it was a fabrication when I saw her in London. She wanted me to return to her and thought this was the best way to achieve it. But then she realized the damage she had done and recanted. Even so, I said I would take care of her; I didn’t expect Lannister to step up. ”

“I think you paint him blacker than he is,” Sarah said with a sigh. “I think you are prejudiced against him. He has the instincts of a gentleman in spite of all.”

“Time will tell,” Robert said, reluctant to allow Lannister any virtues.

“He only ever treated me with respect, Robert,” she said quietly.

“And so he should.” He was tempted to say more, but he wanted to leave the subject of Lannister behind them, to instead focus on each other.

He hoped she did, too, and his eyes scanned her face for some indication of her feelings, but she stared back at him impassively.

It seemed he would have to go first and risk her rejection.

Very well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

“I love you, Sarah.” Her hands jerked in his hold at those words, but he tightened his grip and barreled on. Having begun, he didn’t intend to stop until he had made a clean breast of all of it.

“I have long had some very strange notions about love. Our relationship didn’t seem to fit into that framework, so it has taken me some time to recognize my own feelings.

But I can assure you they are solid. I love you to the point of madness, as you see.

I am wretched when we are at outs with each other.

” He dropped to his knees, kissing her hands.

“Can you forgive me for being a complete fool and for making you bear the brunt of my ill temper? Can you love me even a little in return?” He swallowed, conscious of the tears on his cheeks as he spoke, and waited, his heart beating heavily, aching, his throat tight.

She squeezed his hands as tears started to her eyes. “Robert, I feel I am somewhat at fault. I allowed you to think I had a partiality for the earl when I did not, and that led to this trap of jealousy you have been in. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”

He rose to his feet. “There is nothing to forgive. You are blameless.”

She loosed her hands from his and flung her arms round his neck, burying her face in his chest. “I’m not blameless. I felt jealousy myself—of Madeleine.”

“There was no need to. I never felt for her what I feel for you, and as you now know I broke with her several months before we even met.”

She gave him a rueful smile. “Actually, we had met before. But you never recalled the occasions.”

“No, I didn’t. What were they? I confess my brain is still a blank.”

She traced a pattern on his lapel with a finger.

“The first time was in Hatchards, in my first season. You reached a book down off a shelf for me.” She looked up, and he frowned in an effort of memory but shook his head.

“The second time my umbrella got away from me in a sudden squall and slapped you in the back—”

“That was you?” He had been sodden. His memory of the bedraggled young lady was vague at best. The rain had been coming down so hard it had been difficult to see through it.

She nodded. “The third time—”

“There was a third? My God, no wonder you were annoyed with me.”

“The third time was at Almack’s two years ago. The Countess Lieven introduced us, and you didn’t ask me to dance.”

“I was a blind, stupid fool. I’m so sorry. I could have been married to you two years ago if I hadn’t been such an idiot!” he said, tightening his arms round her.

Her face softened.

“Robert, I love you so much, I thought you would never love me! I confess I was infatuated with you on sight. I thought you were so handsome, just like a fairytale hero. Of course, you never noticed me, for why should you? I was a mere vicar’s daughter and nothing out of the common way.”

“That is untrue, for you are quite extraordinary.”

“I was furious with you for only noticing me when I had money,” she admitted.

“And rightly so.” He winced. “Idiot!” When she looked at him, he said hastily, “Me! I’m the idiot!”

“I thought my infatuation with you was dead, then I got to know you better and I began to fall in love with you all over again.” She swallowed.

“When Daphne conspired to trap us, I blamed you because I was afraid you would break my heart. I used everything I could to try to resist you, to put a barrier between us to shield my heart. I refused you because my affections were already engaged—by you !”

He pulled her tight against him, his heart swelling with joy and dismay in equal parts at her words.

“Oh, Sarah, I was such a bloody fool! I was blind to your love and my own. I am so, so sorry to have hurt you. Can you forgive me, love?”

She squeezed him close. “I have missed you so. I was sure you would want nothing more to do with me after the scandal. I had failed you as a duchess to be the cause of such a scene, but indeed I never meant to cause it. People are so judgmental and see things that are not there. Emrys was in pain, all I did was give him a hug as I might one of my brothers.”

“I know, I know. He explained it all to me and told me I was a blind, stupid idiot! He told me you loved me and that everyone but I could see it.” He held her tight and kissed her hair.

“Lannister said the same thing.” He paused and asked the question that was burning through his chest. “In spite of everything, do you care for him?”

She scanned his face and smiled. “Only as a friend. I know that he cares for me, though. Even so, I told him repeatedly to leave before you arrived. I was afraid if you knew he’d been here you’d find him and hit him—or worse, after what you did to Emrys.”

Robert swallowed the pain he felt listening to that.

She went on, “Can I make you understand? I had no friends in London, Robert. This is your world, not mine. When Daphne betrayed me, I lost my only confidant. Emrys was kind to me, and in his way, so was the earl. I realize I don’t know the proprieties of having friends in society, but—”

“No, I was wrong. Emrys is a good friend to us both, and I promise I will not object to him. Lannister—” He stopped. “Lannister is a man of so different a stamp to me he makes my blood boil. I can’t even pretend to like him.”

“You’re not so different, you know.”

“What?” Robert was thunderstruck.

“The earl is at bottom a gentleman of honor, as you are.”

“He is not! That is precisely my objection to him. He has no honor.”

Sarah just looked at him in silence. Then she said, “When has he broken his word, that you know of?”

Robert blinked. Opened his mouth and shut it. “All right, perhaps he does keep his word, but in every other respect he is nothing like me.”

“No, I suspect he is like your father, and that is why he makes you so angry,” she said softly.

The image of his sire rose up in his mind’s eye. A big handsome, charming man, who constantly failed to shoulder the responsibilities of his title. His eyes stung as a lump rose in his throat. “Oh God, Sarah, you’re right!”

She wrapped her arms round him, and he clung to her as things fell into place. “I loved my father, but he let us all down, time and again. I had to step up and fill his shoes, look after the rest of them.”

“I know,” she said softly, stroking his hair. She smiled up at him her eyes misty with tears to match his own. “And you did, but it wasn’t fair. You shouldn’t have had to.”

“God, I love you, Sarah.” He hugged her close, overcome with love for her. “I wanted you from the moment I took you in my arms at Almack’s that first night. It has just taken me all this time to realize that you were the woman I’ve been waiting ten years to find.”

Her tremulous smile pierced his chest, and he raised a hand to cup her face and kiss her. A gentle, loving, tender kiss with all his heart in it.

“Sarah, are you sure you can love me, truly?”

“Yes,” she said huskily. “For I have loved you for three years. I am not going to stop now.”