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“Metric Interlude—ft. Atti the Good Boy”

Walter Holland Speaks

Walter appears in frame in black and white, with a dramatic newsroom sound effect playing. His normal background wall is visible

behind him, featuring several larger-than-life framed pictures of his cat, Vinny.

Hi and welcome back to my channel! I’m Walter Holland, and this is Walter Holland Speaks, where I bring you HARD HITTING,

EARTH SHATTERING JOURNALISM (words show up on the screen)

(Quick cut—words fall away with the exception of “HARD”)

Kidding, it’s like... inane tangents and dick jokes, mostly.

Which brings me to the meat of today’s topic, one that I’ve researched at great length

(MEAT and LENGTH pop up on screen)

Okay I’m done, I promise

So today... I think it’s finally time to discuss... the metric system. And by discuss, I mean I intend to expose myself

as the dumbass American of your wildest nightmares. So I recruited my good buddy Atticus to help us out here. Atti’s joining

us from the Australian outback

Atticus: (joining via video chat) Counterpoint: I am joining you from the suburbs.

W: The suburban outback.

A: Sounds like a car.

W: Exactly. So! Welcome to the channel, Atticus. Before we dive in, what time is it for you? As you can see, it’s 11:00 a.m.

here in sunny Scarsdale, NY. (holds up phone)

A: (pauses while checking) Uh—about one thirty in the morning.

W: Living in the future!

A: That I am, Walt.

W: So you’ve prepared, like, a quiz for me, right? Here’s what I’m thinking. You’re gonna toss me a metric measurement, and—without

googling, no research—I’m gonna give you my best guess for something in the real world that comes close to that measurement.

A: This is going to go well for you, I can feel it.

W: (Australian accent) Thanks, mate!

(Crickets sound effect to emphasize awkward silence.)

A: All right, I’m starting you off with an easy one, okay? Five centimeters.

W: You mean the size of your—

A: WOW

W: Pinky finger, roughly?

A: (laughs) Touche. Okay, okay—not bad. Next one’s harder, though. Twelve meters.

W: Um. Like. The length of a swimming pool?

A: You’re not bad at this, hey? American school system coming through.

W: Literally pulled that out of my ass.

A: (looks concerned) Literally?

W: Not—no! Wow. No. Ha.

A: How about 100 kilometers

W: A... football field?

A: Ohh noo—

W: Wait! No, god—no. Kilometers are like miles—

A: (shakes his head, mouths no)

W: I shouldn’t have brought up football. I’m so sorry.

A: (amused) Why, because I’m gay?

W: Because you’re (whispers) Australian.

A: Mate, it’s not a slur.