Page 42
Story: After Life
I recognize him the minute I see him. I haven’t thought about him before, haven’t remembered it before, but now I do. I can remember the rust of his bumper, the squeal of his tires, the look of pure horror as I somersaulted over the windshield of his car.
I remember the punch of his breath as he got out to look at me. The touch of his hand against my already-quiet pulse. The awful gasp of his sob. And the draft of his car as he drove away.
My father strides toward him. “Hello, Jeremy.”
He offers his hand but Jeremy doesn’t take it. He holds his arms stiff to his side as if shackled.
Then he speaks. “I’m the one who did it. I’m the one who killed your daughter. I’m so sorry. I’ve been sorry every day of my life. If I could go back in time and change places with her, I would. If I could give my life now to bring her back, I would. But I can’t.”
At this, Dad’s gaze scans for me. He lands in my general direction. Blinks once, blinks twice. Melissa walks over and takes my hand.
“I want you to know I had no idea,”
Nancy cuts in, hand over her heart. “Back then, he was an addict. He wasn’t living at home. I hadn’t even known he was back in town when it happened.
I only found out this afternoon. He’d been coming home when he hit the girl. He’d been coming home to try to get better. I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have kept that from you. I know how hard it is to lose a child.”
Her voice breaks.
Dad looks back to where I’m standing with Melissa. He looks back to the crying woman.
“He turned his life around,”
Nancy continues. “He’s sober now. He’s married and he’s studying to be a nurse, so he can help people.”
Dad looks at me again, squinting.
Pauline stands holding that man’s hand but she doesn’t seem to see me.
“Why are you telling us this now?”
Dad asks Jeremy.
“I’ve wanted to tell you every day for the past seven years,”
Jeremy says. “But I was too much of a coward and I made up excuses, like it wouldn’t bring her back, or I could do more good helping others, but really, I was just too scared. And now, I got a kid on the way.”
At this Nancy cries out, covers her mouth with her hands. Mr. King leans over and kisses her.
“Yeah, Ma,”
Jeremy says. “A girl. She’s due in August.”
Mom and Dad look at each other. I was a girl, born in August.
“And the thing is, I don’t want my kid coming into this world with a father like me. I keep imagining how I’d feel if someone did this to her. She’s not even born yet and I can tell it would rip me to shreds. It’s shameful what I did. The accident was an accident, but the not coming forward, I chose to do that. So when I got word that Ma was getting married, I knew I had to come back. My wife says if this is what I gotta do to be a good father, then I gotta do it.”
He falls to his knees before Dad. “I wanna be a good father. I wanna be a father worthy of my daughter. Tell me what to do.”
Dad looks to Mom, who reaches out her hand to hold his; her other hand holds Pauline, who is holding the hand of a man who’s her boyfriend or maybe her husband.
“Stand up,”
Dad orders.
Jeremy stands up, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
“I’ll turn myself in right now. Or you can call the police,”
Jeremy says.
“I think we’ve had enough police for the day.”
Dad scans the yard, looking at the rosebushes Mom planted for all of us, the cul-de-sac where he taught me to ride a bike, to the front door he carried Mom across, then me in my baby seat, then Melissa. This time, he doesn’t see me, but I think he knows what I want him to say, what I would say.
“Here’s what I want you to do, Jeremy,”
Dad says in a choked voice. “I want you to love that daughter of yours with all your heart. I want you to be there for her and for your wife even when things get so hard you don’t think you can walk another step. Can you do that for me, Jeremy?”
There’s a brief pause before Jeremy answers, and in the silence I hear everything: babies crying and bicycle bells ringing and hands clapping and lips kissing and waves lapping and crickets chirping and choirs singing and all the sounds of life, life, life.
And then Jeremy answers. “Yes, sir. I believe I can.”
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