D o I feel guilty that my ex-wife is sleeping off a banshee-induced mini-coma in the local jail?
Not even a little.
In fact, I’m turned on. Not by the jail cell (which I have been assured is reasonably comfy), but by the fact that Chloe put her there.
I know it’s stupid to think of it like this, but seriously.
.. Chloe just kicked Patsy’s ass with her voice, and it was so fucking awesome to watch.
She’s a superhero. Do you know what it’s like for a comic book nerd who spends hours playing games with mythical beings to suddenly find themselves dating a paranormal superhero?
Erotic combustion, my friends.
Do these thoughts make me a bad person?
I decide no, they don’t, because Chloe’s not a bad person for putting Patsy there in the first place.
I double down on my decision when I see the bruise on my sweetie’s hip and under her ribs from where the car backed into her.
When I realize that happened—I think about Patsy’s glove compartment full of speeding tickets and the way she loved to leadfoot around, and suddenly I’m holding Chloe’s hand in a hospital bed while machines beep and her heart rate ticks lower and lower from internal bleeding.
I know we’ve had a long day, I know tomorrow might be even crazier, and I don’t fucking care.
I finish my shower in Chloe’s pink and green bathroom and hurry to the bed where she’s sprawled out in a thin white nightgown, the kind that’s cotton but almost sheer.
“You could have gotten run over,” I whisper, eyes tracking the damaged spots I can’t see now, but I still see them in my mind’s eye.
“I could have. Didn’t.” She holds out her arms, and I crawl up the bed, my bulk seeming too big in this little space.
Chloe doesn’t think so, curling up tightly to me.
I place my hand on her shoulder and rub gently, wishing my libido and stress could talk things out.
My brain is going over horrible What-Ifs, and my cock is grabbing all the blood from my brain and sending it south, greedy for this soft, lithe body that fits perfectly against me.
“Love you,” she whispers.
I swallow hard, hard enough for her to hear. She said it. She said it first this time, or maybe she said it back from last time. Whatever, it doesn’t matter.
“Love you, too. So much.”
We just hold each other for a long time, and when I feel my eyelids getting heavy and sleep winning out over the aforementioned erotic combustion, I hear her voice.
I hear it in my head, in the room, all around me, wrapping tendrils of notes around me as the pot of English ivy in the window starts to spread and creep gently along the wall.
“ Thiocfá agus aimsigh mé, chuirfeá i gcuimhne dom i gcónaí an áit a bhfuil mé i gceist a bheith... ”
This time, I understand the words. I know them, and I sing with her. You'd come and find me, you’d always remind me of just where I'm meant to be...
Her eyes glow, and she looks up at me. “You are where I am meant to be, Jared. Do you know that?”
“I knew it before you did, silly.”
Chloe climbs onto me sleepily, until she rests atop. I rub my hands across her bare bottom, her nightgown now hiked up over two plump cheeks.
“We fit together,” she whispers, head over my heart.
“We sure do.”
“WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN ? And are you sure it’s going to happen today?
“I offered to pay off Liam’s bar tab, which is substantial. It’ll happen today.”
Chloe and I are sitting in The Pine Loft Coffee Shop, eating the best, butteriest croissants known to God or man on Tuesday morning, when two very different men walk in.
One, I recognize right away. Early thirties, tall, dark, and handsome yuppie type with a big smile and a sharp suit—my landlord, Alban Wymark.
He looks too nice to be a lawyer, let alone a warlock.
The other one makes me swallow my coffee too fast. I’ve never seen someone who looks like... I don’t know. Those super pale vampire heartthrob guys? Like a cross between an Anne Rice actor and an anime heartthrob?
“Don’t stare,” Chloe whispers.
“I’m not,” I whisper back, even though I am.
“Oooh, sweetie, who is this big papa bear?” Mr. Sex Personified sits down and smiles. He has teeth that start with fangs and end in a smile that’s too wide.
Chloe tilts her head. “I didn’t know you worked on such a broad base of clientele, Liam.”
I shift uncomfortably. I’m flattered, but also freaked out. “I’m Jared,” I cough.
“I’m Liam, recently arrived Incubus, and don’t you worry, you sweet cinnamon roll.
I prefer my meals more along the lines of Chloe’s size and with all of the accompanying ‘equipment,’ but I’m ravenous this morning.
” He sighs dramatically and crosses his legs in long black leather pants, showing off black leather boots with high, clunky heels and silver studs.
“David Bowie!” I cry out, turning heads. With his pale features, spiked, uneven hair, and thin form in dramatically high-heeled boots, I finally figure out who this guy reminds me of.
“Well, I’ll do it for free now,” Mr. Incubus says, beaming at me. “Chloe, is this hunk of goodness yours?”
“Yes, he is. And stop acting like a sleazy sex bomb. You’ll give him the wrong impression.” Chloe rolls her eyes and pulls a layer of flaky goodness off her croissant.
Alban comes back with two coffees. Liam uncrosses his legs, loses his predatory smile, and his features relax into something much more... wholesome. I think that’s the word I want.
“Patsy Lochenko is sleeping off one of my little screams in a jail cell,” Chloe begins.
“That’s my ex. She hit Chloe. Backed into her with a car,” I speak up, hands clenching on the tabletop.
“And she’s a rude, insulting, petty bitch. Pretty, though,” Chloe grudgingly admits.
The two men catch my eye, and I shake my head vehemently. “Not once you know her,” I explain.
“The problem is—she has a shady lawyer who keeps taking what belongs to Jared. His house. His dog. His fax machine.”
“Fax machine?” Alban’s eyebrows arch.
Chloe ignores him. “Now, she wants half of any bonuses he earns for publishing his research. Patsy’s going to claim she gets half since he completed a lot of his research while they were still married. I sensed it when I heard her speaking. I just... I know.”
I’m puzzled about how all of this works, but Mr. Incubus and Mr. Warlock nod with sympathetic faces.
“I brought a copy of my current alimony agreement and the divorce settlement. There’s this line in there about any property acquired during the marriage—physical or intellectual—shall be evenly divided.”
“That’s poorly worded. Any proceeds from the intellectual property that were acquired during the duration of the marriage— maybe , but this is really a shakedown. It’s got loopholes a mile wide. How can she determine what intellectual property was acquired during the marriage.”
“She’s claiming any research and writing I do from here on out is based on knowledge I gained then.”
“Why wouldn’t it be based on knowledge you gained before you married her?
Who’s to determine where knowledge starts?
” Liam demands, crossing his long, slender fingers under his chin and resting his sharply angled jaw on them.
“Isn’t everything you know now based on your ability to read and do basic math?
I assume you’re some sort of scientist or something. ”
“You’re right, and yes, one could argue that without basic reading and math skills, all research would come to a halt. I wouldn’t be able to do calculations, examine data, or read reports. I wouldn’t be able to write my own findings up, either.”
Liam and Alban exchange glances. “And they say my kind are predators,” Liam mutters with a low whistle.
“And she got the house? The dog?”
I shift uncomfortably in my chair. “I let her keep him in the end, I guess. She said moving Kep from house to house or sticking him in a tiny apartment wouldn’t be fair to him.
But she’s not really... She always said she loved animals, but she doesn’t like the mess they make.
She didn’t really know that until after we had a dog.
” I hurriedly sip my own coffee to wash down the pain in my throat.
I shouldn’t have gotten a dog with her. I shouldn’t have left Kep behind. I should have fought.
Liam reaches over and lays his ice-white hand on mine, giving it a little squeeze that startles me. “It’s okay. You were too busy with heartbreak to think clearly. It hits you hard, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I’m grateful that’s all I have to say.
Alban is going through my divorce paperwork with one frantic finger, and I notice his lips moving, silent, speedy words flying from his mouth.
When he’s done, he pulls a laptop from his handsome leather shoulder satchel, opens it, and presses a single key.
“This is legally binding—and fair, in my estimation. It removes the intellectual property clause and also says that as soon as the former Mrs. Lochenko gives you verbal or written notice that she is in a committed relationship, your alimony ceases and may not be reinstated for any reason.” He turns the screen to face me.
My eyes glaze over after the first three paragraphs of legalese, but I nod. “I doubt she’ll sign this, Alban. Or admit to being in a committed relationship. That might be years away. But thanks. It’s good to have it in my back pocket.”
Chloe rubs my arm. “Honey, that’s just Alban’s part of the plan. Now, Liam takes over.”
Liam smiles and looks into my eyes. I feel—warm and confused. Then, irritated. “I’m with the lady, buddy,” I finally grumble.
To my surprise, Liam just rubs his hands together happily and giggles.
“Yes, but if you weren’t betrothed to our local banshee, you’d be well on your way to being seduced.
And just so you know, I’m not like one of the incubi of old.
I can seduce and feed on desire without having a full ‘meal,’ so to speak.
I think that after I rush to Miss Patsy’s assistance this morning, catching her wobbly form as she exits the police department, she’ll start to fall for my charms. And of course, I’ll insist that she sign this decree before we start our new life together. ”
“Wait... You’re going to trick Patsy into falling in love?”
“No, sweetie. I can’t do that.” Liam shakes his head, and there’s sadness all across his handsome features. “I can make her fall in lust, though, unless she actively resists. I’m all about free will. Kind of a big deal.”
“It won’t break her heart?”
Chloe’s grip tightens on my arm, and I feel her pulse beating through my skin. “I love you so much,” she hisses.
Well, I might as well be king of the universe right now. She said it. This amazing woman loves me, and she told other people, too! “I love you, too.”
“I mean, because you are so good, Jared. Other people have hurt you, but you won’t stoop to their level. You’re truly wonderful.”
She nuzzles into my shoulder, and I bow my head to kiss her. “It’s a different story when they hurt you,” I whisper, remembering the bruises on Chloe’s side.
I suddenly don’t care what tricks they play on Patsy. She needs to learn a few hard lessons about how she treats people.
“Don’t worry, nothing illegal or underhanded will happen. Sneaky, but not underhanded. I would say this agreement is more honest and fair than the first one.”
“Won’t she realize she’s been duped and just sue or something?” I ask.
“She might. I doubt it. As long as she gives off enough sexual energy for me to snack on, I’ll be happy to be her main squeeze for a few weeks. Again—I don’t have to do the deed to get the feed,” Liam reassures, his toothy smile back in place.
I’m about to ask Chloe if I can trust these guys, but then I stop. I don’t think I need to ask, after all. I trust them more than I trust Patsy.
Sometimes the humans are the monsters, dearie,” Liam sighs and chugs his coffee. “Ugh. Alban, two sugars, I told you.”
“No, you told me to get you something with more syllables in it than an Italian dictionary. Coffee, black. Go dress it up yourself, smiley.”
“You're just jealous because you can’t wear leather,” Liam huffs and saunters off.
“I like him,” I say aloud.
Chloe laughs. “Good, because he could use a friend like you. Everyone could.”
Alban rises. “You pay for the coffee and the filing, kids, and the rest is on me. Pro bono for one of my best tenants... even if you’ll be moving out soon.”
“Huh? Oh, I have no plans to leave—” I look over at Chloe, who is looking at her croissant, now just crumbs.
The image of two cars parked in front of the townhouse is back, the little girl with purple Velcro sneakers on her feet and tiny blonde pigtails resting on my hip, the kiss as we walk to our vehicles—and the cat and dog jumping into Chloe’s car... And this time, Kep’s there, too.
I blink. “To leave the area, but I’m thinking a little townhouse with a yard might be nice.”
Chloe shakes Alban’s hand. “A summer wedding would be nice. Want to be an usher?”
“Just tell me when to show up.”