18

MAL

W e honored Diana’s request, letting her sleep in after the training session last night. Bash had organized for breakfast to be brought to our apartment so we could relax before morning drills.

I was the last guy to rise, because a face this handsome didn’t happen without a good deal of beauty sleep. After taking a shower, I took my time going through my self-care routine and getting dressed. I wasn’t a huge fan of the uniform at first, but now I appreciated the simplicity of wearing the same outfit every day. It made getting ready so much easier.

When I finally emerged, The rest of the guys were gathered around the kitchen table with disgruntled expressions. Ares fists white knuckled the table, and Bash’s horns and tail were shifted. Desmond looked like he wanted to murder someone, which meant he let go of his legendary control. Obviously, I missed something.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Desmond moved from in front of the table, revealing a cake box on the table. I looked inside, and saw a butt-cake. Literally, it was a cake shaped like a bare ass, asscrack included, with a huge bite mark in it. An animal bite mark.

Bash handed me a note, and a bubble message. The message showed me a point-of-view reel from Feta when he sank his teeth in Bash’s asscheek last night. Bash’s screams and cursing were loud and clear. He was wailing like a little old lady who’s arts and crafts store ran out of her favorite yarn. When we finally pried Feta off Bash, he ran for a bit, then faded to his doggy bed in our apartment.

Holding my laughter in was impossible. I tried, but trying to hold it in only made it worse.

“Read the note,” Ares growled.

Hey guys,

FYI, I have POV cams on Feta and the dino-trio’s collars, for liability reasons. Sorry about your ass, Sebastian, but this video made Judas and I bust a gut. Thank fuck we’re both immortal. I’m sure the troops will find it just as entertaining.

Get well soon,

—Q.

The reality of that statement hit me like a brick. “Oh shit, he’s going to show that to all the troops?”

“Fae Menace went too far. We need to knock him down a peg,” Bash grumbled as he paced back and forth.

“I’ll fucking fight him for disrespecting you, Bash-A-Smash,” Ares said as he shot out of his seat, ready to run into a fight head first. I saw the obsession growing in his mind, the glint in his eyes a promise of violence and destruction. He was not going to let this go.

“Diana said not to jump him,” Azazel reminded him. “I believe you promised her…”

“Break your promise, bro. I’m ready to roll up. He’s gone too far this time!” Bash shouted. “Feta is your dog, Ares, and Quelier didn’t even ask if he could use a body cam on him!”

Debatable . Feta was really Diana’s dog, had been for a while now.

“He’s way more powerful than you two. Just let it go,” I warned them, even though I knew they wouldn’t listen. They never did.

“No, Mal. You’re either with us, or you stay out of it,” Desmond said as he rolled up his shirt sleeves. “I’m coming with you guys.”

Fuck, this was going to hurt to watch.

“I’m going too, simply so I can say I told you so. Faeries are mischievous by nature, and if you let him get a rise out of you, he’ll keep pranking you,” Azazel said, sighing as if he’d explained this to them already.

At least I wasn’t the only level headed one here.

“Fine, Az. Be that way. Mal, what about you?” Bash snapped at me.

“Hold on.” I went to the pantry, then grabbed a bag of cheddar popcorn. Couldn’t watch a shit show without popcorn. “I’m ready!”

“Fuck off, smart ass,” Ares groused. Nah, I fucked off so hard last night, I was fresh outta fucks to give. They were insane for trying to cross Quelier—the faerie had single handedly managed a torture pit, for fuck’s sake. Why would anyone want to get on his bad side?

The five of us faded to the mess hall, where Q was showing Lucifer and Michael the whole shameful incident on his tablet. Bash’s embarrassing screams made Diana’s fathers howl with laughter.

“That little shit finally got what he deserved,” Lucifer roared, barely able to get the words out he was laughing so hard. He still held a grudge because Bash ‘claimed his only daughter’. His words, not ours.

“Stop showing that to everyone!” Bash shouted. He directed a bolt of magic at Quelier, who blocked it with a casual wave of his hand.

“ Make me ,” Fae PA challenged him. “I’ll mop the floor with you five, then make you eat off it.”

“Those three,” I said, pointing at Desmond, Bash, and Ares. “Azazel and I are here to watch the show. We even have popcorn.” I waved the bag at him, and he smiled.

“Cheddar flavored popcorn is the best,” he said with a knowing look.

Fuck yeah, it is. Carmel corn can kindly fuck off.

Ares charged him, but Quelier only laughed and froze him mid stride. Desmond threw a series of fireballs at him, and even though they hit their target, the damage wasn’t extensive. Quelier turned the last fireball into a basketball, throwing it over his shoulder through a floating hoop that materialized out of nowhere.

“Slam dunk, bitches,” he cheered, smirking to himself.

Ares shook off the freeze, and knocked him over. He picked him up, throwing him through the air. Sometimes I forgot how strong he was. Bash unfurled his indigo wings, taking flight to catch the PA midair before throwing him to Desmond.

“Wheeeeeeeee!” Quelier squealed. “Throw me harder, this is so much fun!”

Azazel nudged me, taking a big handful of popcorn.

Of course he’s enjoying being thrown in the air. I told them not to poke the bear, but they’re determined to do dumb shit, he linked me.

Truth, this isn’t going to end well. Quelier is psychotic.

Ares pretended to almost catch him, but let him drop on the floor. His menacing cackle made the hair on the back of my neck stiff. “You’re going to learn your fucking place and stop messing with us!”

Desmond, Bash, and Ares attacked Quelier as a trio, throwing all sorts of magic at him. Quelier blocked or absorbed each one, barely taking a hit. Ares got so frustrated, he took his pocket knife out, extended it into a spear, and ran him through with it. The Fae only laughed before pulling it out. His wound closed almost immediately.

“This is an interesting weapon…” he said as he turned it to a pocket knife again, then a spear. “Would suck if it somehow…broke.” He snapped it in half, then threw the pieces at Ares’ feet. “Don’t bother trying to fix it, I used my superior Fae magic to make sure it can never be repaired. Hope being a nuisance to me was worth it.”

The troops gathered to watch the fighting, and taunts and jeers rang out through the crowd.

Y’all ready to pack it up and accept defeat gracefully, I asked them.

They all snapped their heads in my direction, glaring at me. Guess that meant no. Desmond fully shifted, his red wings snapping out with a loud crack . Bash followed suit, and a violently golden glow encased Ares’ entire body. The three of them attacked Quelier again, but this time he didn’t even bother blocking them. He erected a full body shield, ensuring their attacks never made contact.

“Fucking prick!” Bash yelled, smashing through his shield. He punched Q in the nose, and blood dripped down his face, spraying onto his uniform.

His weakness is hand to hand combat? I linked Azazel.

Possible. Fae have such advanced magic they may not worry about hand to hand, he responded.

The guys must have caught on, because they started to test the theory. Ares took his legs out in a low spinning kick, and Q fell to the floor. He erected another shield, but this one was made of thick black smoke. It curled around Bash and Ares’ heads, invading their mouths and noses. Desmond casted a bubble shield around his head before it could suffocate him, and tried to magically penetrate the smoke with hit after hit of fire.

He would have succeeded if Diana’s little Dino Posse hadn’t shown up. They ran in like a bolt of lightning, making that creepy clucking shriek. By the time the guys realized we had party crashers, Fang, the little creepy one, had already attacked Ares. Tank toppled Desmond to the ground and ripped one of his toes off. Claw bit Bash on his unblemished asscheek, bringing him to his knees in scream-worthy, agonizing pain.

“Say you’re sorry, and I’ll call them off,” Q cooly offered.

I’d fought with these men. We were assassins together for centuries. I knew all of them served in multiple wars throughout history. How the fuck did they let themselves get their asses kicked by three small dinosaurs? Seriously, this was so embarrassing .

Ares grabbed his scaled assailant by the throat, and Q wagged his finger at him. “Nuh uh, Greek Daddy. Diana loves her little beasties. Don’t you dare kill them—they’re irreplaceable.”

He has a point. Can you all give up already? The soldiers are going to make your lives a living Heaven. You shouldn’t have even started with him, Azazel linked us all.

Bash continued to fight Claw, getting ripped to shreds in the process. Ares was at a standstill, trying to minimize Fang’s ability to slice his face. Desmond sighed, and finally said “We’re sorry for starting a fight with you…”

Quelier clapped three times and said a strange sounding word. All three of those little shits ran to him and made a line behind him in size order. “You’re forgiven. Hopefully you’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today.” He zeroed his glare at Desmond. “Remember what I told you and Azazel? Heed the warning, devil.”

“Will do,” he groused as his shadows wrapped around his wounds.

“If you excuse me, I have a meeting more important than this,” Q said as he faded away.

Unfortunately, the dinos didn’t follow him. They roamed around the dining hall, the soldiers giving them a wide berth. Lucifer fed one of them a piece of bacon, and it chortled . Like a little scaly alien. The sound sent shivers down my spine. Tank, the biggest one, sat right near my feet. Its reptilian, beady eyes were unsettling.

“Go on now. Shoo, boy,” I ordered him gently. I was scared shitless of these things, but I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself in public by running from it. Desmond, Ares, and Bash embarrassed us enough for one day.

“He wants your popcorn, Mal,” Azazel said. He threw a piece at Tank, who caught it in his mouth. He made a lower version of that chortle sound, then clicked its talons together.

I threw him a few more pieces, and he licked my boots. The other two sat next to him, waiting for their treats.

“Seems we’ve been adopted. Congrats,” Azazel said around a laugh. He reached a handful out to Claw and Fang, who greedily ate it up.

“Of course those little bastards like Mal and Az,” Ares whines. “Little fuckers got me on my money maker.” He rubbed a huge gash on his cheek, pouting like a baby.

Azazel pointedly looked at Ares’ ass, and said “Your ass looks fine to me, Ares.”

“Ha ha ha very funny, Feathers. Tonight I’ll thoroughly check your ass and make sure it’s fine,” he chirped back.

“You guys were so embarrassing.” I tsked, shaking my head. “Come on, let’s go back to the apartment. The room service will be ready soon, and I don’t want Diana waking up by herself.”

The others nodded in agreement, and faded back. I bent down, extending my hand palm out to the Velociraptors. They all licked it, and Tank even rubbed his snout into my palm.

“Bye dinos. Next time I’ll bring some butter flavored popcorn and we can compare,” I said before parting ways.