Page 31 of Absolution (Infidelty #3)

Kyle

“So, you blackmailed her?”

Dr. Nina asks, raising an eyebrow.

“What? No,”

I protest.

“I just suggested she come here.”

She gives me a flat look.

“Come on, Doc,”

I add, hands raised.

“You’ve been telling me to do a joint session with her since we started.”

“Yes,”

she says, dryly.

“After she’s had her own appointment. And with a neutral therapist.”

I smirk.

“So, you’re saying you can’t be impartial?”

“Yes,”

she says without blinking.

“I like her too much.”

I laugh.

“You haven’t even met her.”

“But I get it,”

I add quietly.

“I like her more too.”

“Kyle,”

she says, her tone shifting slightly.

“We’ve been through this before. Last time, you stopped coming to therapy and completely cut off communication with the mother of your children.”

I nod, serious now.

“I know. I know we’re done. Truth is… I’m not asking for anything. I just need to apologize. Not so she’ll forgive me, just so she knows it wasn’t her. That she didn’t cause what happened.”

The light above the door clicks on with a soft tink.

“She’s here,”

Nina says.

My palms go sweaty. I push myself up off the couch.

“Here goes.”

I open the door.

Jackie is seated just outside; hands folded in her lap. She stands when she sees me.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hi,”

she replies.

I step aside, and she walks in. She and I sit down on the couch, careful not to touch. She shakes Dr. Nina’s hand.

Before we begin, the doc clears her throat.

“Just to be fully transparent, I've been Kyle’s therapist for a while. If you’d prefer someone more neutral-”

Jackie shakes her head.

“No, it’s okay. Honestly, I’m glad you already know the situation. I really don’t want to rehash everything again.”

Dr. Nina nods.

“Alright. Then let’s begin. Jackie, is there something you’d like to say or ask first?”

Jackie looks at her hands.

“No… I think he’s the one who asked for this.”

I clear my throat, shift a little on the couch.

“Yeah. I, uh… I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t respond. Just keeps looking at her hands.

“I know that probably means nothing now,”

I continue, voice tight.

“But I’ve been going through therapy for a while. And I needed you to know… what happened between us, everything I did, everything I didn’t do, none of that was your fault. You didn’t make me lie. You didn’t make me cheat. That was all me.”

She finally looks up. Her expression is unreadable.

I press on.

“You were… a good wife. A great mom. I made it impossible for you to thrive in that marriage, and I blamed you when you didn’t.”

Jackie blinks quickly, like she’s holding something back. Then she speaks, calm but flat. “Why now?”

“I don’t know,”

I admit.

“I've finally realised that the mistakes I made, the hurt I caused, it’s irreversible and I am not entitled to your patience, your body, your forgiveness.”

Her jaw tightens.

Dr. Nina glances at Jackie.

“You don’t have to respond to anything you’re not ready for.”

Jackie shakes her head.

“It’s fine.”

She turns to me.

“Do you want me to forgive you, Kyle?”

I hesitate. “No,”

I say honestly.

“I mean, yes. Of course. But that’s not why I’m here. I just… I couldn’t move forward without saying it. Not to clear my conscience, but because you deserve to hear it.”

There’s a long silence.

Jackie stares at me, her face unreadable. Then she lets out a short, bitter laugh.

“Well, you’re forgiven, Kyle. You can move on now.”

I blink. That didn’t sound like forgiveness.

Her voice sharpens.

“Go screw all the twenty-year-olds you want. Over balconies, under staircases, in their shitty apartments with no curtains, go ahead. For all I care, you can throw them off the damn balcony.”

She stands up, like she’s about to leave, but then drops back down into the couch, hands gripping the edge of the cushion. Her voice cracks.

“Why? Just tell me why.”

I swallow.

“I wanted to apologize-”

“No,”

she snaps.

“Why did you cheat?”

Her eyes are glassy but furious.

“I mean… I told myself maybe you stopped loving me. My body, my brain. Maybe you just got bored. That made it easier, you know? To think you were gone already. But you weren’t. If this past week showed me anything, it’s that you still love me.”

She shakes her head like the thought itself makes her sick.

“So how? How can you love me and still cheat on me?”

I open my mouth, but she continues.

“Don’t,”

she warns, voice low.

“Do not say it was a mistake.”

I shut my mouth.

“Because a mistake happens once. You don’t plan a mistake. You don’t get vasectomies for a mistake.”

I look away, jaw clenched. My heart’s pounding. I don’t even know how to start explaining something I barely understand myself.

She waits. And when I don’t speak, she says, quieter now.

“So what was it then? Did you want out and didn’t know how to say it? Or did you just want to feel powerful again? Wanted someone who didn’t carry your babies and cry in the shower and bleed on your sheets?”

Her words punch a hole straight through me.

“I know it’s unforgivable,” I say.

Jackie doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink. Just watches me like she’s trying to decide whether I even qualify as human.

“The first time… when you were pregnant,”

I say quietly.

“it was a mistake. One I knew I didn’t want to repeat as soon as it happened. I was drunk, and then Duke... I told myself telling you would just destroy everything. So, I swore I’d be better. A better husband. A better father. And for a while, I was.”

She flinches at the name. I push forward anyway, needing to get it out.

“It worked. Until COVID. Until you…”

I trail off.

“I know it wasn’t intentional. But at the time, I didn’t understand. I felt abandoned. Like I’d held up my end of the deal.”

Her eyebrows shoot up.

“I didn’t know there was a deal.”

“I know that now,”

I say quickly.

“But back then? I was flying high. When people were losing jobs, I got promoted. I was providing. I thought… I thought that’s what made a good man. And you couldn’t even stay home.”

Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out.

“I thought you were like my mom,”

I say.

“So, I made myself stop caring. It was easier. Cleaner. You were with your siblings and I-”

“I was healing,”

she says.

“I was surviving.”

“I know,”

I say.

“I know that now. But I was too far gone. When you came back, I couldn’t flip the switch. Couldn’t make myself feel what I was supposed to.”

She wraps her arms tighter around herself, like she’s shielding herself.

“There weren’t any women then. Not until after the vasectomy.”

Her head snaps up.

“There were only two,”

I say.

“I know that sounds like an excuse. It is. But in those years, I felt like I was still flying, and you were just… still.”

Jackie exhales slowly.

“So, because I stopped moving, you found people who made you feel like you were?”

“I didn’t even like them,”

I admit.

“It wasn’t about them. It was about me. About feeling seen. Feeling… not resentful.”

“Because I wasn’t what you envisioned?”

Her voice cracks.

“Because we had a sick child?”

I shut my eyes.

“I know how that sounds.”

“No,”

she says.

“You don’t. You can’t.”

“If you had just left,”

she says.

“I could’ve rebuilt. But you stayed. You kissed me. Slept next to me. Lied to me for years. Made me feel like the problem.”

“I know,”

I say again, quieter this time.

Her lips press into a tight line.

“That’s the worst part, Kyle. Not the cheating. Not even the lying. It’s the gaslighting. The way you made me think I was crazy for being unhappy.”

Tears prick the corners of my eyes. I don’t wipe them away.

“And you know what really kills me?”

she says, voice rough.

“If you’d just told me then… I might’ve forgiven you.”

I look up at her.

“But I didn’t,”

I say softly.

She nods.

“No. You didn’t even give me a choice.”

There’s a long, aching pause.

“And now,”

she says, her voice trembling.

“I don’t know where we go from here.”

We sit in silence, the weight of it pressing down. Dr. Nina doesn’t speak right away; she lets it breathe.

“You don’t have to know today,”

she says finally, voice even.

“This isn’t about deciding the rest of your life in this room. It’s just about telling the truth, and letting it sit.”

Jackie swallows hard. She doesn’t look at me, but she doesn’t move away either.

“I’m not here to ask for another chance,”

I say.

“Not today. I know I’ve used up every benefit of the doubt.”

Jackie shifts slightly.

“I just didn’t want to leave things with you thinking it was you,”

I go on.

“That it was your fault. Because it wasn’t. Not one bit.”

She finally looks at me then. Her eyes are red, tired, but clear.

Dr. Nina leans forward a little.

“Jackie, what do you want from Kyle right now? Not forever. Just… in this moment.”

Jackie’s quiet for a long time. Then, softly.

“Honesty. No performances. No trying to look like the better man. Just the truth. Always.”

“I can do that,”

I say immediately.

“I want to do that.”

She nods once, like she’s storing that away. Not accepting it, not rejecting it. Just holding it.

“And Kyle,”

Dr. Nina says.

“what do you want from Jackie in this moment?”

I glance at her.

“I want her to know that I’m still here. Not to force anything. Just… if she ever needs anything, even if it’s just space, I’ll respect that. But I’m here.”

Jackie lets out a slow breath. Her posture softens a little.

“I don’t know what we are now,”

she admits.

“That’s okay,”

Dr. Nina says.

“We don’t have to name it yet.”

There’s a long pause, and then Jackie says, barely above a whisper.

“I’m tired.”

“I know,” I say.

“I think I’ll come again next week,”

she says, to Dr. Nina.

“If that’s okay.”

Dr. Nina nods.

“That’s more than okay.”

Jackie looks at me one last time. Her eyes still shimmer with pain, but there’s something else there too, maybe curiosity, or a tiny shred of something that hasn’t fully died.

“Take care of yourself, Kyle,”

she says quietly.

“You too,” I reply.

And as she walks out, she still doesn’t look back.

But she doesn’t slam the door.