Page 26 of Absolution (Infidelty #3)

Kyle

"How do you feel?" Dr. Nina asks.

I lean back against the couch, arms crossed. I think for a second.

“I was happy,”

I admit.

“Making up with my mother, finally being seen by her, it felt good. Like I’d earned something I’d been chasing for years. I was proud of it.”

She waits, doesn’t say anything. Just lets the silence settle.

“But then,”

I continue.

“reality hit me in the nuts. I told my kids the truth. That I’m a philandering asshole who broke their mother’s trust. And now I’m somewhere between the bottom of their shoes and the gum stuck to them.”

Her pen moves across her pad, quiet and steady.

“But how do you feel?”

she repeats, gently.

I close my eyes.

“Relieved,”

I say.

“I’m relieved they know. That it’s not this secret eating me alive anymore. But I also feel like a fraud for feeling that way.”

“Because?”

“Because I still haven’t told them about Duke,”

I say. The words come out in a rush.

“The day they were born. What happened. They know they had a brother, Jackie told them when the girls asked why Levi got his own room and they had to share. I… I wasn’t there, I was in my office, hiding.”

She looks up from her notes.

“Let’s talk about that. Apart from telling me how you messed up, you haven’t spoken much about Duke. Why?”

I stare at the floor. My voice drops.

“I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. Not really. Not even Jackie. I mean… we went through it. But we never talked about it. Not out loud. I just… I buried it. Focused on the babies who made it. Moved forward. Survived.”

I run a hand down my face, exhaling slowly.

“I thought…”

I pause.

“I told myself he wouldn’t have made it. That my not being there didn’t make a difference. I convinced myself it didn’t matter. That pretending he didn’t exist was easier than living with the guilt of having missed his entire life. Like if I didn’t acknowledge it, I wouldn’t feel it.”

There’s a long beat.

Dr Nina asks.

“How did you come to that conclusion?”

“After the doctor told me about Duke, how there was a chance… that he could’ve made it if he’d been born in the hospital, something in me cracked. I just broke. Everything I’d been holding in… just spilled out.”

My voice tightens.

“I was sitting outside Jackie’s room. Her sobs. God, they were gut-wrenching. And they were my fault. All of it. I didn’t know how to walk back into that room. I didn’t know how to face her. So, I just sat there, on the cold floor, bawling like a goddamn child.”

I shake my head, remembering.

“Her dad found me there. I don’t even know how long I’d been sitting there. He thought I’d fallen asleep at the office. Everyone did. No one knew where I’d actually been.”

I blink hard.

“He sat next to me. Didn't yell. Didn't ask questions. Just... said, ‘What happened, happened. But you’ve got three babies fighting for their lives in there. And a wife who needs her husband more than she’ll ever admit. You can either drown in what you lost, or you show up for what’s still here.’”

I look at Dr. Nina.

“So, I got up. I dusted myself off. I went into that room. And I never brought it up again.”

Another silence.

“Not because I didn’t care,”

I say quietly.

“But because I didn’t think I deserved to grieve him. Because grief felt like a privilege I forfeited the minute I wasn’t there.”

Dr. Nina doesn’t rush me. Doesn’t speak right away. When she does, her voice is soft.

“And now?”

I stare at the floor, my throat thick.

“Now I think… maybe Duke deserves to be remembered. Even if I screwed everything up. Even if I don’t deserve that part of him. He was still mine.”

Dr. Nina watches me carefully, like she’s trying to decide whether to push. Then she does.

“And what about Jackie?”

she asks.

“Does she get to remember him too?”

My eyes flick up.

“Of course.”

“Because from where I’m sitting, Kyle… it sounds like not only did you stop yourself from grieving him, but you stopped her too.”

I shift in the chair, jaw tight.

“She doesn’t talk about him either.”

“Did she ever try?”

I look down again.

“In the beginning… yeah. But then she stopped.”

She nods slowly, jotting something down, then looks back at me.

“Can I ask you something else?”

I shrug.

“You’re the therapist.”

She smiles gently.

“Do you think grief makes you weak?”

That makes me pause.

“No. I mean…”

I hesitate.

“It’s just… I didn’t grow up in a house where it had any place. My father always said emotions were for people who had the luxury of failing.”

“And your mother?”

“She was never around,”

I say automatically.

“Always out, always busy. I know now that it wasn’t her choice, but it doesn’t change the past.”

Nina nods again, then leans forward a little.

“Let’s talk about Jackie.”

My shoulders stiffen.

“When she became a mother, when she was caring for the kids, staying home, what did you expect from her?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t know. To… handle it. To be there.”

“To be there,”

she echoes.

“Even when you weren’t?”

I flinch.

“That expectation, where do you think it came from?”

A long pause.

“I don’t know,”

I admit.

“I always said I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t have a life outside of the home. I wanted Jackie to have ambitions, a career. And if she wasn’t gonna have one, then she should stay at home and take care of the kids.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess, I didn’t want her to be a… you know, a trophy wife with a nanny.”

Nina lets the silence stretch for a few seconds before speaking again.

“Do you think that’s why you cheated?”

My throat tightens.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I felt like I was entitled to more. I thought, if she’s not going to be what I need…”

I stop.

She gently presses.

“And what did you need?”

“I wanted a partner that was… not like my mom.”

There’s a pause. Then Nina’s voice, soft but pointed:

“And now that you know the truth about her? About your father? How has that view changed?”

I stare at my hands.

“I just want a loyal partner. That’s it.”

I swallow hard.

“Something Jackie was. Even when I-”

My voice catches.

“Even when I hurt her. She never betrayed me. She never turned the kids against me. She stayed my partner… and I’m the one who failed.”

Nina nods slowly, giving him space before she speaks.

“She stayed, Kyle. She gave you loyalty. And now… it’s your turn.”

I look up, confused.

“To be the man your kids can trust. To show them that love isn’t just something you ask for, it’s something you live. You can’t rewrite what happened with Jackie. But you can show them what accountability looks like. What growth looks like.”

She tilts her head, kind but firm.

“You say you failed. So, what are you going to do next? That’s what they’re watching now. Not the man who hurt their mother. The man who’s trying to be better.”

She lets the moment settle.

“Start there.”

That’s it. Start there.

Dr. Nina ends our session with that.

What does that even mean? How do I show my kids I’ve changed? Seriously, do I go to a feminist rally? Do I start shoutin.

“You go girl!”

at every woman crossing the street?

I spend Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday thinking about it. I’m seriously considering giving up therapy and becoming an alcoholic instead.

The week the kids aren’t with me, I work Monday through Saturday, coming home after eight, sometimes later. The week they are with me; I leave by four. Until then, Luna, our babysitter watches them.

They swear they don’t need a babysitter anymore. They’re nearly teenagers. But the fact that they’re heading into those years is exactly why I want someone watching them.

I’ve talked to Luna more recently. Kind of had to.

Turns out, she’s not the only medical professional who’s taken a sabbatical.

Hell, most haven’t just taken breaks, they’ve quit.

Especially the ICU nurses. She told me things I wish I could unhear. About running out of ventilators. About having to choose between saving a mother of five or a two-year-old. Choices no one should ever have to make. And I sat there listening, thinking: How many people might have lived… if they’d had help?

Sound familiar?

Yeah. It does.

Jackie comes to drop the kids off on Sunday instead on Monday, like always. I drop them off the following Sunday.

Dr. Nina has been no help in the directions department. Just keeps telling me I’ll have t.

“figure it out.”

Meanwhile, she continues digging through my past like she’s looking for buried treasure.

I’ve talked about everything, my childhood, my first crush, the day I met Jackie, why I married her, what I expected from the marriage, how it ended, and everything in between.

Turns out, I had a lot to get off my chest. More than I realized. With every session, I feel just a little lighter.

The day of the kids’ twelfth birthday, we decide to have a joint party. At Jackie’s house.

We planned it together.

And yes, I may or may not have needed a little… extra help. Some of her direction.

In my defence, I really needed it.

Did I use that as an excuse to talk to her?

…I plead the fifth.