Page 34 of A Storm of Fire and Ash

“Elara, I really don’t think you should be training,” Eryn said, her voice sympathetic.

“Oh, please, I’m perfectly fine! You saw my back.”

Makar took a seat next to Gavrin, who sat across from me. I took another bite of my oatmeal. “She’s right, ya know. If anyone sees you, they’ll start talkin’,” Makar chimed in.

It had only been five days since my lashings.

I didn’t forget. Couldn’t forget. But I wasn’t feeling any pain. I wanted to practice my magic, my sword fighting, shooting arrows at trees. I needed to. I was going to kill the King—and his men.

Gavrin waved his hand dismissively at Makar. “Not if we get to our spot. Who says she has to train in front of the others? I, for one, think it’s a good idea. She obviously is healed,” he whispered for just us to hear.

Before I could speak up, Makar cleared his throat, and Eryn nudged my ribs. “The prince,” she whispered.

I sat up straight and turned my attention towards the open doors of the dining hall.

Fintan came over to me quickly.

“Elara, you’re—you’re here.” He went to touch my shoulder, but I recoiled from him, not realizing what I was doing.

Hurt filled his expression.

“Can we talk?” He asked, then looked at everyone else around me, “alone? Please, Elara.”

I sighed. He didn’t deserve my silence.

I stood, “Of course.”

I let him hold my hand as we walked down the hall and to the balcony, where I enjoyed watching the stars.

We stopped and faced each other.

“I’m so fucking sorry for what happened. I tried to stop him, tried to get to you,” panic flooded his tone.

My heart dropped.

I could feel his pain. His sadness. His guilt. I wanted to comfort him. But I just couldn’t.

“I don’t know how you survived. You are so strong. So brave! I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I will fall to my knees and beg.”

I waited a moment, thinking of my next words carefully.

“I survived because the fire inside me burned stronger than the fire around me. I’m not going to say it’s okay, because nothing about what happened was okay,” my eyes searched his.

“But none of this was your fault, Fin. You can’t possibly take blame for your father’s hatred of me and his sadistic behavior. ”

“You’ve changed,” Fintan said, not in a bad tone, but a shocked one. Like he wasn’t sure who he was looking at.

“Yeah, well, real growth starts when you’re tired of your own shit. When you’re tired of being weak. Helpless. I refuse to feel that way anymore.”

He cupped my face and brought his closer to mine. But before his lips touched mine, I placed my hand on his chest. “Fintan… I-I can’t. I need time. I need space.”

He pulled away. “From me?”

“From everything.”

Sadness washed over his expression. He placed his hands in his pockets to keep from touching me.

“He won’t be bothering you anymore. My mother and I made sure of that. She has some kind of influence over him, likely due to some dirt she has on him that he doesn’t want others to know, but he agreed to leave you be. Agreed that we can marry.”

I fell quiet. Not knowing what to say.

I couldn’t go through with marrying the prince. Could I?

Fintan glanced at my back as I turned my body to look at the cloudy sky. A chill was in the air.

My hair was braided in the back, and my tunic went to my neckline, so even if my wounds were not healed, no one would be able to see my back.

“How— How are you feeling?” he practically choked on his words.

“I’m doing as well as I can.” I sighed.

“Does this change things with us?”

I stayed quiet for a moment, contemplating my words.

“It changes everything.”

Did I still love the prince? I wasn’t so sure. How could I be in love with someone who shared the same eyes as a monster? How could I live here, in the palace?

“I understand. But Elara,” I turned to look at him. He reached for my hand, and I let him take it. “I love you so much. I want you to be my Queen. I want you to marry me. Together, we will kick my father out of this castle.” His eyes darkened.

“Fintan, you don’t understand,” I placed my hand on his chest now and cupped his jaw with my other. “I don’t want to kick your father out.”

Fury took over my senses.

Something dark.

His eyes, though his father’s, held innocence. I rubbed his chin, then stood up on my tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss—possibly our last—barely giving him time to kiss me back, and then turned his jaw with my hand.

I placed my lips against his ear and whispered, “I want to fucking kill him.”

Fintan’s expression changed. One a stranger might give. Like he didn’t know who I was anymore.

I don’t even think I knew who I was anymore.

The castle gates creaked behind me as I stepped out into the fading light. The air beyond the walls was different—dirtier, realer.

I needed to breathe. I needed Mother.

My chest ached.

I pulled the hood of my cloak up over my head and tucked my face low. I walked out the castle doors and past the gates, to what once was my home. The outer ring of the kingdom.

The smells of smoke, sweat, and baked bread blended together, clinging to the breeze like ghosts of my past life.

The stones on the buildings and cottages were cracked, and the roofs patched with tar.

Children ran barefoot and merchants shouted over one another to sell withering produce or hand-stitched goods.

Now, I was a stranger here.

I passed a stall with sun-bruised apples and another with old pots stacked like relics. I passed Pollie, who sold the hand-pies. A faint memory I shared with the prince.

I felt like I had died.

I felt changed.

The air was dry and dusty. Someone played a fiddle two alleys down—off-key, but strangely comforting.

Then I saw the bakery.

Landen stood behind the counter, hands dusted in flour, laughing at something the butcher’s daughter had said.

He hadn’t changed. Sandy-blonde hair tousled like always, sleeves rolled past his elbows, and that easy grin that once made the weight of the world a little lighter. Brown eyes, warm and familiar. Safe.

I slowed. My mind betrayed me, aching toward him. A pull to go to him. To let him hold me. To forget. For a moment, I almost turned his way.

But I didn’t.

I clenched my fists, reminded myself who I was now—what I’d done—and kept walking. Past the alley, down the familiar dirt road, until the world narrowed and the crowd thinned and the smell of ash thickened.

My cottage stood at the end.

Or what remained of it.

Charred wood jutted from the ground like broken teeth.

The roof had caved in completely. Smoke-stained stone still held up two walls, the others reduced to blackened rubble.

A single chair sat outside, warped and crumbling.

Flowers had once grown here. My mother’s garden.

Now it was just ash and rot and silence.

The wind stirred, and I inhaled the scorched scent of memory. I stepped forward on shaking legs.

I did this.

I caused this.

The creature’s words echoed in my mind, ‘Forgive yourself and come find me.’

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t forgive myself.

My chest tightened as I stepped over the threshold, boots crunching against the brittle floor.

The hearth was a pile of collapsed brick.

The rafters were gone. I could see the sky.

I braced myself for it—for her. For the sight of my mother’s body, curled and burned and frozen in death.

But there was nothing. No bones. No remnants.

Just scorched earth and a hole where she should’ve been.

Panic hit me like a blade. I spun around, heart racing.

Where was she? Who had taken her? What had they done with her?

“Elara?”

I froze.

Landen stood in the doorway, breath catching in his throat. His eyes went wide, disbelief washing across his face like a wave.

“You’re okay?!” he rushed forward and caught me in his arms, pulling me tightly against him. “Gods, Elara—I thought you ran off somewhere and got yourself killed! Where have you been?!”

His scent—flour, cinnamon, and something warm—filled my lungs. For a second, I let myself sink into him. Just a second.

“I’ve been…” My voice caught. “I’ve been at the palace. I— I was with the prince.”

Landen pulled back slightly. His smile faltered, eyes dimming just enough for me to see the sting.

“Oh.”

Silence pressed between us.

Then I gripped his arm, the desperation bubbling to the surface. “Landen, my mother… her body. It’s not here. Do you—do you know what happened to her?”

He hesitated. “Yeah. A scary-looking guy came. Big. Long white hair. Real serious type. Said he was going to bury her properly. I didn’t argue.”

My breath caught. Zayn. It had to be.

“I need to know where,” I whispered.

“I don’t know,” he said gently. “He didn’t say.”

I turned back to the ruin. Landen stepped closer. “I should have looked for you,” he murmured. “I should have told you how I felt. Told you how much you mean to me.”

Tears burned behind my eyes. “You didn’t know what was to happen,” I said. “I didn’t either. But… the fire… it’s my fault. She’s dead because of me.” A single tear rolled down.

“You think this was your fault?” His brows knit together as he wiped away my tear.

“It is,” I croaked, voice cracking. “I killed her. I killed her, Landen.” The grief surged—raw and violent. My chest caved around it, breath shuddering.

He reached for me, pulled me into his arms again, holding me tighter this time.

“I can’t take it,” I whispered. “The pain—make it stop. Please, make it stop.”

He looked down at me, eyes searching, lips parted as if he wanted to say something.

But I kissed him.

Hard.

And he kissed me back before pulling away to say, “If you can’t love me like I love you, then just love me for right now before you leave me for good. One last time.”

A tear rolled down my cheek, and Landen cupped my face, bringing his lips back to mine.

I knew I shouldn’t be using him like this, especially since he just confessed his love, but I needed him—or someone who wasn’t the prince.

I needed to feel anything but the ache in my chest. I didn’t take my lips off him as we faltered where no one could see us.

The sky turned amber behind the ruin of my house.

We found the haystacks, tucked behind half a wall still standing.

There, in the shadow of everything I’d lost, I pulled Landen harder into me and grabbed him by the waistline, undoing his trousers. I removed mine, but kept on my shirt and cloak, and then sat him down on the haystack as I climbed over him.

“Elara,” he whispered my name.

Before I sat myself down, I kissed him again. I could sense his hesitation, but I needed him.

He gave in—gave into something quiet and wordless, as I sank myself down on him.

His hands were gentle. His breath was warm against my skin. He didn’t speak, and I didn’t want him to.

For a little while, I didn’t think about the palace, or the scars, or the fire. Only the hush of soft moans in my ear, and the rhythm of something that didn’t hurt.

The aftermath was quiet.

Landen and I lay side by side on the crumpled hay, the broken silhouette of my cottage watching over us like a hollow shell. The sun had nearly vanished, casting the sky in bruised purples and soft gold. I listened to our breathing—the only sound left.

His fingers found mine. Rough from work, warm from holding me.

“I never stopped loving you, Elara,” he said softly, his voice barely louder than the breeze.

“Even after that night… even when you vanished. I waited. Hoped. I think a part of me knew you weren’t gone.

That you couldn’t be. I think I will always love you, and that’s okay that you don’t feel the same way.

I would rather still be friends and have you in my life rather than not have you in it at all. ”

His words caught me off guard—not because they were unexpected, but because I knew I didn’t love him back and that I just used him. Put my selfish needs first. He was so understanding—understood me so well—my heart nearly broke again.

I looked at him—his honest brown eyes, the tenderness there, the way he was still trying to give me comfort even after all of it. But the truth sat heavy in my chest, and I couldn’t lie to him. Not this time.

“Of course I want you in my life too, but as friends. I wish I could love you like you deserve to be loved… You deserve someone who can give you the world, Landen. And that someone isn’t me,” I whispered.

“You’re my best friend. But I can’t give you more…

I can’t love anyone because I don’t even love myself.

” The words left a hollow echo inside me.

Saying them out loud made them heavier somehow.

More real.

Landen looked like he wanted to protest, to argue that I was worth loving—but he didn’t. He just nodded slowly and squeezed my hand.

“You’ve always been a good friend,” I murmured. “More than I deserved.”

He smiled, a sad one, and looked away.

I sat up, brushing hay from my skin, pulling my cloak back over my shoulders. The cold crept in as the sun dipped lower. A chill pricked my spine—but it wasn’t from the wind.

Something shifted.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright.

I froze.

Eyes narrowing, I scanned the ruined fence line, the scattered debris, the skeletal tree near a barn. Shadows stretched long across the ground, but nothing moved.

Still—something was watching. Something that didn’t want to be seen.

“Landen, you need to go. Don’t come to the palace looking for me, alright?” My voice was barely audible.

He turned to me, concern flickering. “What? What is it?”

I didn’t answer. Couldn’t.

Magic. Faint. Subtle. But close. Too close.

I rose slowly to my feet, eyes darting to every corner of the yard. My breath shallowed. Whatever it was, it wasn’t friendly. And it wasn’t human.

The presence slipped away before I could trace it. Like a ripple in water fading back to stillness.

But it had been there.

And it had seen everything.