Page 6

Liam

Liam was trying not to stare.

A tense silence filled the space between their beds, a mirror image of the position they had found themselves in last time. He had just barely managed to talk Jonah into staying after a near panic attack, but now that he was here, Liam had no idea what to do.

The past week had been an exercise in tunnel vision. What began as a cursory scroll through various hookup apps quickly bordered on obsession. Liam spent every free minute—during lectures, at stoplights, in the bathroom at work—searching for the elusive Leo/Jonah profile. He narrowed his location search through every nook and cranny of the Greater Chicago Area until he was stopped short by a photo: the bare curve of a shoulder and a buzzed head, faced away from the camera. And underneath: Leo, 19 .

The rest of the photos were equally clandestine, featuring the same faceless young man in various states of undress, but Liam knew it was him.

He was careful when he reached out. He kept his identity private and gave no indication that they had history, already suspicious that Jonah might not be the only one with access to the messages. The fresh bruises tonight only served to validate that theory.

Liam had been so consumed with the idea of finding him again, of having access to him long enough to check in, that he hadn’t formulated much of a plan past that. Get him here, ask if he’s okay, offer to get him help. That was the entire checklist, and he had already blown through two and struck out on the third. He supposed the only thing left to do was to offer the same thing he had last time: a safe place to sleep and a hot meal.

A good idea in theory, but he couldn’t help but notice that the food in Jonah’s lap was mostly untouched. It was a stark contrast from the way he had devoured every bite Liam put in front of him last week. He had been picking at the same piece of chicken for the last several minutes, peeling off small pieces of breading and dropping them onto the plate.

It was obvious he was on edge. There was a certain apprehension in the way Jonah looked at him. Perhaps watched was a better word for it, as if he was trying to calculate the exact moment when the rug would be pulled out from under him .

Hesitantly, Liam let his gaze slip over to him, hoping that Jonah wouldn’t choose that moment to glance over and catch him gawking. But he barely seemed to notice Liam was there at all. Heavy, half-lidded eyes blinked twice in slow motion as he traced a fingertip idly along the edge of his plate.

Liam cleared his throat. “Is the food okay?”

Jonah blinked again, his head turning slowly, almost mechanically, in Liam’s direction. “Hm?”

“Is it. . . Does it taste okay?”

Jonah looked down again, as if only then noticing the shreds of chicken. “It’s good,” he said, picking off another small piece and placing it in his mouth. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

Yes, Liam thought, I did.

“Don’t worry about it,” he dismissed with a wave, his hands feeling heavy and awkward on his wrists.

When it seemed like Jonah had eaten all he was going to, Liam collected their paper plates and boxed up the leftover food, taking extra care to make sure Jonah saw him put it in the mini fridge beneath the television, in case he got hungry later.

“In retrospect, I should have, like, brought something to do. I’m afraid I’m not very good entertainment on my own.”

“You don’t owe me entertainment.”

Liam opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “Jonah?” he began, waiting until he had his eyes to continue. “Do you want me to leave?”

That seemed to catch him off guard .

“I mean that sincerely,” Liam continued. “I won’t be offended. I wanted to see you again, and I’m really glad I got the chance to, but I’m not going to force my company on you. If you want, I can give you the money and the room will be yours for the night. I promise not to bother you again. Just say the word.”

Jonah stared at him long enough to have Liam shifting under the scrutiny. Finally, he said, “Do you want to leave?”

Liam thought about it. The immediate answer was no .

“It’s not like I’m missing out on any big Friday night plans,” he said, because it felt slightly less pathetic than saying I’ll just be alone if I leave now.

“Things haven’t improved with your friends?” Jonah asked, neatly avoiding the question.

“If we were hanging on by a thread before, last weekend was the snapping point.”

“Because of me?”

“Because of them,” Liam corrected.

There was a weighty pause. “I’m sorry,” Jonah said.

“I told you, it’s not your fault.”

“No.” He shook his head. “For earlier. I didn’t mean to come off... I was just...”

“You don’t have to explain.” Liam sank onto the opposite bed, putting them closer to eye level.

Finally, Jonah said, “Your company isn’t so terrible.”

Liam laughed, a bright, relieved sound. “C-minus as far as compliments go, but I’ll take it. ”

That got a small smile out of Jonah, which felt like a bigger victory than it should have. Eager to keep the mood light, Liam grabbed the remote and handed it to Jonah. “Should we put on a movie?”

Jonah turned it over in his hands, quiet and considering. “Actually,” he said, “can I take a shower again?”

“Oh!” Liam stood, his memory catching up with him. “That reminds me.” He crossed to the duffel bag he had tossed in the corner chair and rifled through it until he found what he was looking for. “I meant to offer earlier, but I—” got distracted by the bruises on your face “—forgot.”

He turned back and presented Jonah with a bundle of clothes: a pair of old, gray sweatpants and a maroon crew-neck sweatshirt.

“I noticed you got chilly last time,” he explained when Jonah met him with a carefully blank expression. “And no one should ever have to sleep in jeans.”

Jonah shuffled to the edge of the bed, bringing his feet down to touch the floor. He was looking at the pajama set like he was waiting for it to bite him.

“You brought those for me?”

A sudden trickle of heat crept up the back of Liam’s neck, filling in the tips of his ears. “Well, I — Yes. You don’t have to wear them if you don’t want to, I just thought. ..”

“Thank you.” Jonah stood and took the clothes from him.

“You’re welcome.”

Jonah studied him for a few moments longer, holding the clothes to his chest, then made his way to the bathroom. Liam watched as he disappeared, clicking the door shut behind him.

He woke to the red glow of the alarm clock, glaring back at him with some ungodly hour. Liam rolled onto his side. It took a minute to get his bearings. He squinted into the darkness, narrowing in on the —shit. On the very empty bed across from him.

Liam propped up on his elbow, groping blindly at the nightstand for another note left in Jonah’s wake. It was past two in the morning; surely he hadn’t ventured out on his own at this hour, and if he had, Liam didn’t even want to think about the possible implications behind that or what he was doing or —

“Liam?”

His heart jolted a second time. He spun around to find Jonah perched in the oversized windowsill, the curtains pushed back to allow a spill of moonlight. Splayed open on his lap was what appeared to be the standard hotel copy of the Bible.

Relief deflated Liam’s chest. “Hi,” he said, his voice thick with sleep.

“Sorry. Is the light too much?” Jonah closed the book in his lap. “I can close the curtain.” He was already reaching for it when Liam raised a hand to stop him.

“No, no, leave it.” He yawned as he pushed himself up to sit against the headboard. “What are you doing up? ”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he said, then hesitated, adding, “I didn’t want to risk waking you again. After last time.”

It took Liam a moment to connect the dots, and when he did, he hated the shame that he saw in Jonah’s reaction. It occurred to him that they hadn’t had a chance to talk about what happened.

“Do they happen often?” Liam asked. “The nightmares? Or whatever that was last time?”

“Often enough,” he said with a shrug, ever the man of few words.

Liam chewed his lip. “You should try to get some sleep,” he said. “It’s not a big deal if you end up waking me.” And it’s not your fault , he wanted to add.

Jonah shook his head. “I’m okay. I slept in late today, anyway.”

Briefly, Liam thought about trying to push the issue, since he was beginning to think Jonah didn’t get much sleep outside of this room, but it occurred to him that maybe the fear of waking Liam wasn’t the only thing keeping him up. Who was he to try and force Jonah back into whatever awaited him behind closed eyelids? He wouldn’t pry, but that didn’t mean he had to leave him alone to suffer, either.

Liam cleared his throat. “You know, I used to have really bad nightmares, too,” he said, drawing Jonah’s gaze back to him. “Mostly when I was younger. They’ve gotten a little better with time, but... Trust me, this isn’t my first midnight rodeo. And I don’t know about you—” he swung his leg decisively over the bed “—but if we’re in this for the long haul, I’m going to need some caffeine.”

“‘We?’” Jonah echoed.

Liam flipped on the lamp and padded over to the cheap, plastic coffee maker on top of the dresser. “You want some?” he asked, tearing open the first packet of grounds with his teeth. He conveniently left out the detail that this was almost entirely for Jonah’s benefit, as Liam himself detested the taste.

When no answer came, Liam turned back and found him staring at Liam, as if he had offered him his kidney instead of a paper cup of what was sure to be the worst coffee he’s ever had.

“Um, sure,” Jonah said, blinking back to himself. “Thank you.”

“Cream and sugar?”

“Black is fine.”

Liam made a face out of his view and went about making the drinks in comfortable silence; one black, and one with as many sugar packets as Liam could discreetly dump into a cup without judgment or permanent organ damage.

When he carried them back to the window, Jonah took his gratefully, cupping it between his palms with another sincere “thank you.”

“Mind if I join you?” Liam asked.

Jonah pulled his knees a little tighter to himself in invitation, even though there was plenty of room. Liam settled into his place across from him, resting his back against the opposite side of the window frame. He stared out, following Jonah’s gaze. It wasn’t as nice as the view from the hotel Nathan’s dad had paid for, but there was a smattering of buildings with windows glowing against the night, and a sliver of the crescent moon was visible between two of them, so it wasn’t a total bust. He tilted his head, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Some light reading?” he asked, gesturing to the book in his lap. “Jonah and the whale, right?”

Jonah ducked his head. “It’s been a while since I’ve read it,” he said, fanning through the pages with his thumb.

“The whole thing?” Liam asked. “Like front to back?”

He nodded. “It was a requirement.”

“At your church?”

“In my home.”

With every crumb of information that he was given about Jonah’s life, another chasm of questions opened up. Liam found himself wanting to know everything but afraid to push him too hard, considering the last issue he’d pushed had almost resulted in Jonah bolting from the room before the night could begin.

“Did you grow up around here?” he asked, settling for something more neutral.

Jonah shook his head. “What about you?” he asked instead of elaborating.

“Kind of,” Liam said. “Everyone who grew up in the northern suburbs of Illinois likes to claim they’re from Chicago. It sounds way cooler than saying you’re from Naperville.”

He expected the conversation to lapse into another silence, which would have been fair, considering rural Illinois was hardly a jumping-off place for riveting conversation, but Jonah seemed genuinely interested.

“Did you like it?” he asked. “Or, do you still, I guess?”

Liam rested his head against the window. “It could have been worse. I’m close enough to the city to be on the fringe of having a life. I can commute in every once in a while to audit an art class, or see exhibits when they pop up.”

Jonah perked up. “You’re an artist?”

“That might be overstating things.” Liam chuckled, suddenly self-conscious. “I mess around with a few things. I mostly draw. I paint sometimes, but I need to get better. I take what few art electives my college offers.”

“College?”

“Community college,” he said, unable to hear the words without the elitist sneer of Nathan and his parents when they’d found out about Liam’s plans after high school. “I’d like to save up enough to transfer somewhere with a good art program. New York is the dream, but that is probably all it will ever be.”

“Why?”

It didn’t escape him that Jonah was keeping all of the attention on Liam with his questions, but he humored him with a sardonic smile .

“The good ones are expensive,” he said. “The diner I work at pays decent, but not that decent. And my parents aren’t willing to shell out money for an art degree, but they make too much for me to qualify for much financial aid. It’s...” The words died on his tongue as he glanced up at Jonah and realized, horrified, how privileged he must sound. Complaining about going to community college and whining about how his parents made too much money.

Several iterations of an uncomfortable apology tangled in his mouth, but Jonah spoke before he could get any of them out.

“Will you draw me something?”

Liam blinked at him. Personal experience and a lifetime of poor self-esteem made him assume Jonah was joking. He gave an obliging smile, but when Jonah didn’t laugh it off, Liam asked, “You really want me to?”

“Only if you want.”

He glanced at his duffle. “I didn’t bring my stuff,” he said, still half-certain it was a joke. “I usually have my sketchbook with me.”

Jonah looked around, tapping his fingers where they rested on his knees, then slid off the window. He returned a moment later with the small hotel-branded notepad and a pen. “Your canvas,” he said, presenting it.

Liam’s smile relaxed into something genuine. “Okay,” he agreed.

Satisfied, Jonah climbed back into his post, taking a sip of his coffee while Liam got to work on his masterpiece .

“What are you drawing me?” he asked.

“It’s a surprise.”

He began with hesitant pen strokes, as he did almost every time he tried to create something with a specific audience in mind. But once the idea took shape, Liam fell into a familiar rhythm, only glancing up every so often for reference.

Maybe it was the lack of direct attention now that Liam had a task at hand, but something in Jonah’s demeanor seemed to loosen as the night went on. Slowly, he began to talk. It was nothing groundbreaking; he was still careful about what he revealed, but Liam pocketed every shared tidbit like something precious. He learned that Jonah liked to run, and that he had played soccer and ran track in school. He learned that he grew up somewhere in the Midwest, though he did not specify where, and Liam didn’t ask. He started to tell Liam about a childhood cat he’d grown up with, but there was a somber shift in his tone that made him retreat quickly. Liam was happy to change the subject with a timely drop of his pen.

“Done,” he announced.

Jonah sat up straighter, visibly thankful for the distraction. “Let’s see it.”

Strangely nervous, Liam tore off the top page of the notepad and handed it over.

Jonah stared down at it for a full three seconds. “It’s Jonah and the whale,” he said, nearly a whisper, then looked up at Liam. “You drew me.”

“And a whale,” Liam added, shifting under the attention.

“ On top of a whale,” Jonah amended, turning the paper over to display the cartoonish depiction of Jonah saddled on a whale’s back, complete with a cowboy hat and lasso. “Have you read the book, Liam? I’m pretty sure this story is about him getting swallowed by the whale.”

“No,” Liam said. “The story is about him getting out .”

Jonah looked at him and Liam looked quickly away. They were quiet for a few long seconds. Finally, Jonah smiled and shook his head.

“I definitely missed the part where he rides the whale into the sunset afterward.”

“It’s all there.” Liam shrugged. “In the subtext.”

The first thing Liam did when his eyes opened to a sliver of daybreak peeking through the curtains was check to make sure Jonah was still there. A breath of relief rushed out of him when he saw him, already awake and propped against the headboard.

“Good morning,” Liam croaked, pulling his arms up into a stretch. Jonah blinked, waking from whatever trance he was in to smile back at him.

“Morning.”

At the foot of the bed, the borrowed pajamas were folded into a pile again. Thankfully, not accompanied by a cryptic goodbye note this time. Still, Liam’s heart sank a bit.

“I have to leave soon,” Jonah confirmed. There was a heaviness behind the words .

“Can I get you breakfast before you go?” Liam asked. “The hotel doesn’t offer it, but I think there was a diner close by.”

Jonah shook his head. “I can’t.”

Liam wanted to press for answers. He didn’t.

“I wanted to wait until you were awake so I could say goodbye,” Jonah said. Then, with a rueful smile, added, “This time.”

Liam pushed himself up, swinging his legs off the bed. “Can I see you again?” he asked, emboldened by the idea of Jonah walking out of this hotel room and back to the person who gave him that bruise.

Jonah stood and paced away from the bed, suddenly interested in a loose thread at the hem of his shirt. “You can message me to set something up.”

“I meant...” Liam tracked him with his eyes, treading carefully. “Maybe somewhere outside of a hotel room?”

“I don’t really have nights off.”

“What about the daytime?” Liam didn’t care that he sounded desperate. “I can be flexible on time.”

Jonah still wouldn’t look at him. He had his lip pulled between his teeth, grinding it back and forth with enough force to look painful. “It’s not really that simple,” he said. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want to.”

“I can pay for another night,” Liam blurted, and Jonah looked up, eyes wide. “Not tonight, I mean. I’ll have to wait until I get paid again, but... I could swing it again next week. Same day?”

Jonah opened his mouth and closed it a few times, looking genuinely lost. “That’s a lot of money,” he said eventually. “You’re not even getting anything out of it.”

“That’s not true. Just because I’m not...” He cleared his throat, pretending like he couldn’t feel himself turning red. “I like spending time with you.” He paused, deliberating how much he wanted to say out loud about the feelings he still couldn’t pin down himself. “I don’t know how permanent of an arrangement we can make this, but for now, I’d like to see you again. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t think it was feasible.” Which wasn’t precisely true, but the sentiment remained.

Jonah shook his head. “You’re too nice to me,” he finally said.

“I think you’re overstating my generosity,” Liam said. “Or underestimating my selfishness.”

Jonah looked away, and Liam’s grin faded.

“Do you want to?” Liam asked after a moment. “If you really don’t, I won’t press. I promise.”

A nervous energy buzzed in the air while he waited for his reply.

“I want to,” Jonah said. “I just don’t think it’s fair to you.”

“Let me decide that.”

“I need to get going,” Jonah said again, gesturing toward the door.

Liam stood as well. “Can I at least drive you somewhere? ”

He brought a hand up to scratch at the back of his neck, getting shifty in the way he did when Liam asked too many questions.

“I have a ride,” he said. “He’ll be outside soon. I shouldn’t make him wait.”

Liam walked him to the door in a desperate attempt to hold onto him for just a few more moments. The two of them hesitated as he reached for the handle. Maybe Liam wasn’t the only one trying to hold off the inevitable.

“See you Friday?” Liam said.

Jonah nodded. “Message me to set it up,” he repeated.

“It isn’t you, is it?” Liam asked before he could stop himself. Jonah froze, his back turned to him. “The person on the other end of those messages? Making the arrangements? It isn’t you.”

Jonah was preternaturally still, like a machine whose kill switch had just been activated. Liam waited, half expecting for him to call the whole thing off, to walk out of there and demand that Liam never contact him again. Instead, he turned over his shoulder before he opened the door and said, “See you Friday.”

In the lingering silence of his departure, Liam was pretty sure he had his answer.