Page 37
“ G ood God, Alexander, you look awful . Someone should have issued a fright warning at the door before I walked in here.”
Alexander barely glanced up from his desk, his pen frozen mid-line over a document that he was looking over.
“What do you want, Oliver?” he said hoarsely. “I do not remember inviting you over.”
“Do you really need to invite me?” Oliver strode into the study, surveying the room. “If anything, I would be shocked if you invite me. Especially considering what kind of circumstances you are surviving under.”
Alexander had forgotten to tell the staff that all company should be turned away. But then again, such a request would have been useless with Oliver to begin with. He would have dismissed it without a second thought.
“I do not need you to comment on my circumstances,” Alexander replied in a dry voice. He knew that Oliver loved making all sorts of comments on people’s lives, but he should know that Alexander did not like to be the topic of discussion.
“Really?” Oliver challenged. He waved a hand toward the cluttered desk, the untouched food growing cold on a tray, and the opened bottles of wine that had collected in the corner of the room.
“Because I have not once seen you living like this before. You are the sensible one, whereas I like to indulge. Has that not always been the case between the two of us? I did not know we switched places.”
Alexander set down his pen with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I’m busy,” he said in dismissal, hoping it was enough to turn his friend away. “Why don’t you find something else to occupy yourself with?”
“Busy?” Oliver snorted. “Busy trying to destroy yourself? Because surely, I am certain we can find better things to do.”
“I am not destroying myself,” Alexander rolled his eyes. “There is no need for you to be this dramatic, especially when I am trying to work.”
“You say that you are working,” Oliver paced the room in front of him.
“But I have it on good authority that you have not left the estate in the last three days. And judging by your looks now, it is clear to me that you have not bothered with grooming or shaving, either. So please, do not be shocked if I do not believe that it is work taking up your attention.”
“Two days,” Alexander corrected him. He let go of the pen , and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Ah.” Oliver grinned as he perched on the edge of the desk . “My mistake. Only two days of brooding like some widower. Forgive me.”
“Oliver…” Alexander warned. The last thing he wished to discuss was Penelope.
“Even your servants are gossiping.” Oliver leaned closer conspiratorially. “That is where I got my information , actually. Honestly, it would be a little romantic if you weren’t terrifying everyone.”
“If you came to mock me, you’ve done it. Now, leave,” Alexander exhaled, making sure to not mince his words.
“I didn’t come to mock you.” Oliver’s grin faded, “I came because you’re a blasted wreck and someone has to slap sense into you.”
“There’s no sense to be had,” Alexander muttered. “I’ve made my decision.”
“Ah yes. The great noble sacrifice of sending away your wife,” Oliver’s brow arched. “Tell me again, why was that necessary?”
Alexander’s mouth tightened.
“She was not safe here,” he said finally. “Odette was attacked the other day. While I can control Odette, I cannot control the Duchess. She would have been in harm’s way if she stayed.”
“Right,” Oliver shook his head. “So, your solution was to send her away, so you do not even know whether she is safe?”
“It is better than her being here,” Alexander maintained. But his voice lacked conviction.
Over the last few days, he had incessantly wondered if he had made the right decision. It was a rash decision, of course. But in his defense, he had assumed it was the one that would give her the highest chance of living a normal life.
Except that he had been wracked with worry every moment she had been gone.
“It’s an excuse.” Oliver stood and began pacing, hands behind his back. “Let me see if I understand. You love her but…”
“I never said that,” Alexander corrected him sharply.
“You love her,” Oliver continued , ignoring the protest, “but instead of telling her, instead of protecting her while she’s with you , you decide to push her out of your house, because what? You’re convinced she’ll be safer without you?”
Alexander scowled. That was exactly it, but he did not like how it sounded when Oliver said it .
Oliver stopped pacing and faced him, folding his arms.
“And in the meantime, you’ve decided to completely neglect yourself, haven’t eaten properly, haven’t slept, and have drank enough to sustain a village for a week?”
Alexander rubbed his face irritably.
“Of all people, you should not be the one to comment on my life choices,” Alexander muttered. Perhaps that was his only defense.
“You’re in love,” Oliver declared triumphantly. “I am certain of it.
“I am not.”
“You are. You’re brooding, guilt-ridden, drinking, starving. If you weren’t so tragic, it’d be funny.” Oliver smirked. “Actually, it is funny.”
“Do you want me to get you escorted off the premises by my staff?” Alexander asked him, irked. “Because now you are only spewing nonsense and making my life difficult.”
“Oh, no. Do not let it be twisted,” Oliver grinned wider. “You are the only person here who is making their own life difficult. I am only trying to find a silver lining. How often do I get to watch the untouchable Duke reduced to a miserable wretch over a woman?”
“I sent her away to protect her. End of discussion,” Alexander’s mouth flattened into a grim line. “If you are so concerned about her, then I would ask you to go see how she is doing for yourself.”
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. No, he would not stand the idea of Oliver doing that.
“Really?” Oliver raised an eyebrow.
“Well, no,” Alexander grumbled, much to Olivers’ delight. “But the point remains that I would like for you to stop speaking about her to me.”
“I never thought I was friends with a coward,” Oliver went on. “If anything, I thought you were braver than most. Then what has happened here?”
“There is nothing cowardly about what I am doing,” Alexander scoffed. “If anything, I am doing the chivalrious thing. She does not need to be put in danger, and I am taking her out of it, even if it means that she is out of my life.”
His words waned towards the end. It was hard to say it out loud, because it made the entire thing feel more real than it already was.
“Is it, though?” Oliver cocked his head. “Because from where I’m standing, it looks more like cowardice than chivalry.”
“You have no idea what you are talking about.”
“I do have an idea.” Oliver’s voice sharpened. “She loves you, and it is clear you have feelings for her as well.”
Alexander looked away. The idea of her loving him was a soft one, but entertaining it would be too dangerous for him.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said finally.
“You love her back. Stop pretending otherwise.”
“I do not have a choice,” Alexander said finally. His resolve had broken.
“There’s always a choice. Especially when love’s involved,” Oliver said simply as though it was the easiest thing in the world.
“And if something happened to her because of me?” Alexander went on. “How would I ever come to terms with that?”
Oliver stepped closer, resting his hands on the desk and meeting his eyes directly.
“Something’s already happened, Alexander. She has been made to leave her home, and you’re breaking your own heart along with it.”
Silence stretched between them.
“You think you’re keeping her safe. But all you’ve done is push her away and make yourself miserable.” He smiled faintly. “Congratulations. You’ve achieved absolutely nothing except being the most stubborn fool I’ve ever known.”
Alexander let out a hollow laugh. For a moment, he decided to entertain Oliver.
“Then what would you have me do?”
“Go after her,” Oliver’s grin returned. “The sooner, the better.”
Alexander shook his head, leaning back again to stare up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if she’d forgive me.”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“I will do no such thing,” Alexander said, shaking his head.
“Then you are adamant on remaining miserable,” Oliver tutted. “Was this not what your life looked like before she married you? Why do you wish to return to that state again? Are you allergic to happiness?”
“It is time for you to go,” Alexander pointed to the door, going back to the stash of papers on his desk. “I have had enough.”
He was prepared to argue with Oliver, but he left shortly after, grumbling something under his breath. It was not until a few moments later that there was another knock on his door.
“Oliver, if you’ve returned to continue lecturing me…”
But the door creaked open, and it was not Oliver who was standing there.
“Odette.” Alexander’s voice softened instinctively. He got up from his desk. “What are you doing here?”
The two of them had not had a single conversation since the day she had tried to escape to the park.
“I was looking for Penelope.” She stepped into the study, her brow creased. “Have you seen her?”
Odette took a few steps closer, the little frown between her brows deepening.
“I know she’s not here ,” she replied, frustration creeping into her voice.
“I’ve looked everywhere, and for days now, in the gardens, the library, the sitting room.
None of the staff are telling me anything, either. Where did she go?”
“She’s gone to visit her sister.”
Well, that was the partial truth, at least.
“Why?”
He looked back up, meeting her confused, questioning eyes. “I asked her to.”
“You sent her away?” Odette’s lips parted in shock “But… she’ll be back soon, won’t she?”
Alexander hesitated. He did not have the answer to that.
Odette’s brow furrowed as her eyes searched his. “Won’t she?”
“I don’t know for certain,” he answered finally, sighing heavily.
“What do you mean, you don’t know for certain?” her voice rose. “She’s meant to be in this house, for she is your wife. You said so yourself.”
“This is not something you need to concern yourself with,” Alexander tried to diffuse the situation.
“But I am concerned!” Odette snapped, her fists curling at her sides. “Is this because I went to the park and tried to run away? Are you punishing her for what I did?”
“I do not need to explain myself so thoroughly, Odette,” Alexander reminded her.
“Yes, you do,” she shot back, trembling. “Because I don’t understand why you would send her away unless something terrible happened, and I was the terrible thing that happened, wasn’t I?”
“You are getting ahead of yourself, Odette,” Alexander warned.
“Then why ?” Odette blinked furiously, her voice shaking now, raw with hurt. “It took me so long to grow close to someone again. And now you’ve taken her away from me.”
Alexander’s chest tightened. He could take the guilt and sarcasm from Oliver. But not this.
“I did what I thought was best,” he said quietly.
“Did she want to leave, too?” Odette’s next question came almost immediately. Alexander felt a wave of guilt.
She did not deserve to be subjected to such uncertainty at an age so young.
For a moment, he wondered if it would be easier for him to concoct a lie and tell Odette that Penelope had chosen to leave, making sure that it wasn’t his doing alone.
It would make this all easier to swallow. He opened his mouth to speak, but then the words would not come out. He couldn’t lie about her .
“No,” he admitted quietly.
“She wanted to stay?” Odette’s face crumpled.
“Yes.” The word felt heavier than any he’d spoken all day.
“Then why did you send her away?” Odette cried.
Alexander rubbed his temple. He did not know how to explain these things to Odette, who was perhaps too young to understand .
“Because wanting something,” he said hoarsely, “does not always make it safe.”
“But nothing is safe enough for you,” Odette huffed. “If you had made her leave, then perhaps you should have sent me with her. At least it would have been possible to live normally with her.”
Her words landed like a blow to Alexander’s chest.
“Odette, this is enough,” he put his foot down, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. “You are to go back to your room now, and not come out till you are needed.”
“Are you exiling me to my own quarters?”
“Yes,” Alexander nodded. “Not until you learn that you cannot speak to your father in this way.”
Odette was crying now, and she huffed past him. It had been a long time since he had seen her cry.
And the sight wrenched his heart completely.
Had he somehow made the wrong decision and betrayed the little family he had made for himself? Penelope was the one who had restored the color back into the estate after so many years, and he had been the reason why she had left.
But admitting his mistake would be admitting he had been wrong. And worse, it would do nothing to cull the dangers that she would be in when they were together.
But can you live without her?
The thought arrived on its own, and Alexander did not know what to make of it at first. His first instinct was, "Yes , of course he could."
He did not marry Penelope for himself, only for Odette.
But then his second thought was different. Yes, perhaps he could live without her, but it would not be a worthwhile life.
In fact, the terrible truth beneath these days full of misey was that that he missed her.
Plain and simple. He had missed even her stubbornness, and the way that she was the only person to dare challenge him.
“You shall get over it,” he told himself. Naturally, time would heal all things. And he would get over this as well.
But a nagging feeling in the back of his head would not shut up. Had he made the worst decision of his life by asking Penelope to leave?
And if he decided to change his mind and try to get her back now, would she even give him another chance?
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