Page 38 of A Marriage is Arranged
Louise passed a dreadful night, unable to dismiss the vision of Diane and her husband in the garden, and constantly thinking and re-thinking what his words had meant. What did he want to talk to her about? As dawn broke she entirely gave up trying to sleep and lay rigidly on her back, deciding what to do.
In the end it was this: she would simply say as little as possible. Least said, soonest mended was one of her old Nanny’s favorite dictums. She would say nothing about what she had seen in the garden. There would be no recrimination, no scene.
But the easy intimacy with her husband was over. She would be the woman he had apparently wanted to marry: cool, unremarkable, and reserved. She would appear on his arm in public and play the part to perfection. Both at home and abroad she would be pleasant but distant. She reversed her earlier decision to just be herself. She had wanted him to love her as she was, but since that was obviously impossible, she would be her ladyship at all times. She would simply be the Countess. Louise Grey would disappear.
Tears came back to her eyes as she thought all this, and at some moments her heart was so full she felt it would explode from her chest, but by degrees she calmed herself and set her jaw. Other society women must live like this. She could, too.
Having made this decision, she lay in a doze. Around midmorning a maid appeared with tea and muffins. She drank the tea gratefully and having eaten nothing since lunch the day before, gobbled down two muffins. When she remembered how she had told herself a lady did not behave like that, she defiantly ate another.
She was still in bed when her husband’s characteristic short knock sounded at the communicating door. She snatched off her night cap and sat up.
“Good morning, my dear,” he said, and her heart thumped. He had never called her that before. “I hope you slept well?”
“Very well,” she lied, and then, politely, “and you?”
“Like the proverbial log. My God! I thought the Ball would never end. I was wanting my bed hours before the last guests left.”
And who were you wanting in it with you? The thought came unbidden.
He pulled next to the bed one of the gold spindle-backed chairs her room was well provided with and sat on it. It creaked.
“These damned chairs! They were never made for anyone like me. In fact, I don’t know who they were made for, but every house I’ve ever been in has them.”
Including Diane Courtland’s, I collect, came the unbidden voice, but she still said nothing.
He seemed not to know how to continue and for a moment there was complete silence.
“I told you I wanted to speak to you yesterday and never got the chance,” he said, finally. “What I wanted to say, er, ask you was…, well, to speak plainly, would you would be prepared to ignore the, er, conjugal visits contract we signed?”
Whatever Louise had thought he might want to talk about, it was not this. Her heart rose and for a moment she wanted to shout Yes! I would! I would give anything to be rid of the contract! But the voice inside her immediately quelled her. Why? So that you could have both of us any time you wanted ?
“No,” she heard her voice say calmly. “I would not be prepared to do that.”
He stared at her. “No?” He sounded disbelieving. “You’re sure?”
“Quite sure.”
“But I thought….” His voice trailed off. Then he began again, in a different tone. “But I was obviously mistaken. I’m sorry to have importuned you.”
He stood, replaced the chair, gave a slight bow, and left the room.
Louise fell onto her pillow and tried to control herself. If only she hadn’t seen what she had seen in the garden! If he had asked her that same question before, her heart would have been filled with joy! Try as she would to stop them, tears came to her eyes, and with her pillow stuffed against her mouth to prevent any sound, she sobbed as if her heart would break.