Page 44 of A Fabulously Unfabulous Summer for Henry Milch

“We’re friends.”

“But he’s seeing someone else?”

“There’s someone. But it’s not—”

“Let me get this straight, you have a crush on Carl and Cheryl Ann has a crush on you and none of you are getting laid. Is that what it means to be bisexual? Never getting what you want?”

“No, that is not—are you an idiot?”

Okay, so maybe it was a little rude. But it was logical. If you sleep with both menandwomen that should increase your chances of getting laid, not decrease them.

“I don’t think I’m an idiot.”

“Then don’t say idiotic things.”

“You do realize you’re not getting laid.”

“That’s so typical for a gay man. Not everything is about sex.”

Well, that was offensive. I said, “Hey. Just because I’m an idiot doesn’t mean you get to be one.”

She was wrong, of course. Everythingwasabout sex. And not just for gay men, for everyone. Unless I’m mistaken, it’s the basis of whole schools of psychological thought. Gay men are just more honest about it. Right?

Megan was back. I felt like she’d really dragged her feet getting our drinks. After she plunked them down in front of us, she asked, “Are you ready to order?”

“I’d like a veggie burger. No sprouts. Extra mayo. On the side,” Opal ordered.

Megan frowned the whole time, then glared at me. I was tempted to ask, ‘What did I do?’ I mean, a minute ago she was calling me cute.

I asked, “Are you still serving breakfast?” I hadn’t had any.

“We serve breakfast all day.”

“Great. I’ll have an ABC omelet with cheddar.”

Megan’s glare turned to an icy stare, “What is that?”

“Avocado, bacon and cheese.”

“Oh lord,” Opal said.

“Hey, Eddie,” she called out to the bartender. “He wants an avocado in his omelet.”

Eddie turned away from the television and smirked. “We don’t have avocados. There hasn’t been an avocado in this restaurant for twenty years.”

He said it as though it were an accomplishment. Like avocados were clamoring outside desperate to be served there but he’d bravely turned them away.

I ordered a bacon and cheese omelet instead. Once Megan walked away, I looked at Opal and asked, “Why do they hate avocados?”

“It’s a California thing.”

“They hate California?”

“A lot of people do.”

“I bet they’ve never been there. I mean, yeah, the traffic is awful and everything’s super expensive, and there are earthquakes and fires and the occasional riot—but it’s absolutely the best place in the world.”

“I didn’t sayIhated California, I said ‘a lot of people do.’ I’m not a lot of people.”