Page 34 of A Duke Reformed (Icy Dukes #3)

But that didn't mean her feelings had changed. They hadn't. She still loved him.

But it was a quiet sort of love now, tucked away in the corners of her heart where no one could reach.

It didn't scream or demand or throw itself about the way it had in those final days she spent in his presence.

But it lived on. Stubborn and resolute, clinging to the memory of his kiss that had felt too right.

His touch that had unraveled her, and the memory of a man who had, in the end, could not love her back.

"Was it when I mentioned Solomon?" Lavinia's voice, coupled with her hand on Emma's lap pulled her out of her thoughts. "Is that it? Is that what stilled you?"

Emma forced a smile, shaking her head. "I am so happy for you, Lavinia. You're going to be a mother of two now! Two very beautiful children."

"Thank you. But we are talking about you now."

"Can we not?" Emma asked and groaned. "I came here to talk about you. You're leaving London soon and God knows when I'd see you again."

"I won't be gone very long," Lavinia said to her. "Andrew and I still have business in London. So, we will be back. I hear Alice is coming to London as well, once Victor is back from his business ventures."

"That's wonderful, I miss Alice," Lavinia said.

"Me too," she answered. "But I also miss the version of Emma who hide nothing from us. Where did this wall come from?"

Emma shifted where she sat. "There's no wall."

"There is a wall. I see it. I feel it. And I don't like it.

" She reached forward and touched Emma's hand.

"You've changed, Emma. I don't mean that as a bad thing, but something is hurting you, and you're not letting me in.

You know why that troubles me? Because you were the one person I could always come to when I was having troubles with Andrew and our.

.. arranged marriage. You listened to me. Now, let me listen to you."

Emma looked down at their hands, silent for a long moment. Then, with a sigh that came from deep within her chest, she whispered, "I fell in love with him."

"Yes, you did," Lavinia said almost immediately.

Emma's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean 'yes, I did'. If my memory serves me right, this is the first time I am telling you of it."

"Yes, but Cecilia and I have known for weeks now," Lavinia said. "You love him, I'm glad you can now admit that to yourself."

"Nothing can come of it, Lavinia." Emma pulled her hand away gently and stood, walking toward the window. "Even if I wanted to, I'd be cruel to pursue it."

"Cruel?" Lavinia questioned, rising to her feet too.

"He doesn't want to be wedded," she said. "I want to be wedded. He doesn't want children. I want lots of children. We are so different. It doesn't matter what I feel for him. I cannot force someone to bend their own rules just for my own good."

"That's not how it works, Emma," Lavinia explained. "People change. My goodness, you changed! Andrew changed after I married him. He changed me! That's what life is all about. Evolving. You need to tell him. You deserve to say it out loud. To know, truly, what he feels."

"No," Emma said gently, brushing her palms over her skirts as though trying to smooth away the ache in her heart.

"It's not despair, my friend. I've truly made peace with it.

My family needs me. Marriage was always a means to an end for me, a way to protect them. Now, I can do that without a husband."

"What?" Lavinia asked. "So, you are not planning to marry?"

"I see no need to rush things anymore," she explained. "If I marry now, feeling what I feel for Solomon, it would be very unfair to my husband. My heart cannot belong to one, while I think of another. So, I have to wait until this goes away."

"Emma, that is utterly ridiculous." Lavinia walked up to her and took her. "What if you never get over your feelings for him?. It's not simple. It's not something you can extinguish like a candle. Love is very complicated."

"That is exactly why I did not want things to get this far," she said as she sat on the window seat. "I had a plan. Now it failed, so I have to find something that works. I know what I'm doing."

"I highly doubt that," Lavinia said softly.

"Lavinia, I don't want you worrying. It's not good for the baby.

Trust me, I am fine. No. Papa has changed.

.. more than I expected, actually. He no longer demands I manage Cecilia and Dorothy's lessons myself.

He is going to employ someone. I think he got some money from somewhere.

It's not much, but he is spending it on the family, not gambling it away like he used to.

He paid for Dorothy's dance lessons, and also, he bought Cecilia new dresses without having to sell any of mine. "

Emma sighed and looked out the window. "And Cecilia.

..well, she's not the same girl she used to be," she continued, her lips curling into a smile.

"She's still a handful, but she seems happier now.

Free. It's pleasing to watch. She even suggested I take a break.

Leave the house for a few days. Said it might clear my mind. "

Lavinia sat by Emma's side. "She said that?"

"She did." Emma laughed lightly. "I was shocked too. But I suppose I've been hovering. Trying too hard to make things perfect for them when... maybe they no longer need me in the same way. No one needs me anymore. I don't know how to feel about that."

"They still need you, Emma," Lavinia replied.

Emma nodded. "Yes. Just not for the same reasons. Maybe that's a good thing. It means I've done well by them." Her voice dropped. "I don't have to try so hard anymore. Perhaps, I should look into becoming a governess. I might be able to contribute my learnings to someone that needs it."

Lavinia blinked, momentarily stunned. "A governess? Emma, you are the daughter of a viscount."

Emma shrugged lightly. "And yet I have no dowry, no betrothal, and no pressing invitations. My value in the Marriage Mart has dwindled. You know my education has always been my greatest asset."

"All right, that's enough," Lavinia said, and stood facing Emma with both hands on her hips. "Emma, I have been where you are. Trust me on this. You need to tell him."

Emma gave a soft, breathy laugh and looked away, her arms crossing protectively over her chest. "Now, you are starting to sound like Alice," she murmured. "Always hoping for the impossible."

Lavinia stepped closer. "It isn't impossible. Andrew was the same, remember? I told you about it then. He didn't want a family. He didn't believe in love, and yet here we are. Things changed. He changed. For me. For us. Solomon can too."

Emma rose to her feet, feeling her frustration creeping in. "I don't want someone to change for me. That's not love. That's pressure. It's a ticking clock until resentment creeps in."

"That is not true!" Lavinia argued.

"Yes, it is!"

"So, are you saying that soon, Andrew will come to resent me?" Lavinia asked and crossed her arms. "Because that is what happened to me."

Emma froze mid step and her gaze softened. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "That's not what I meant, Lavinia. I'm sorry." She moved back to her friend's side. "I didn't mean to insult your love or what you share with His Grace. Truly."

Lavinia said nothing, but her shoulders eased.

"It's just... it's different with Solomon," she explained.

"You did not understand why His Grace made such a decision back then, but I understand Solomon completely.

That's the difference. I understand why he doesn't want children.

So, how can I possibly convince him to even try when I would have probably done the same thing if I were in his shoes? "

Lavinia's hands slowly dropped. "You understand his reasoning?"

"I do," she whispered. "I really do."

Lavinia's expression crumpled with sympathy.

Without another word, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Emma, pulling her into a tight embrace.

Emma didn't resist. For a moment, she allowed herself to melt into her friend's warmth, to soak in the comfort she hadn't realized she was craving.

"Emma, you have to start thinking of yourself at one point," Lavinia whispered.

"Sometimes it's all right to be selfish, not accommodating.

But nevertheless, we will find a solution to this.

Something that doesn't require you to keep breaking your own heart.

Something that ensures your happiness, Emma. Not to worry."

Emma closed her eyes and nodded against her friend's shoulder. She wished she could believe it. Truly, she did.

But she was too tired to be optimistic.