Page 20 of A Beguiled Gentleman (The Bradley Brothers #1)

Chapter 20

Hannah was kissing Noah Bradley, and it was glorious and liberating—until she noticed that not only his body but his lips were frozen in place.

Regret began to seep in. But he had been so close to her, so sweet as he asked her what was bothering her. And when she couldn’t find the words to tell him how she felt, her body had seemed to react for her.

Hannah tucked away the memory of his warm soft lips before she pulled back, only to find Noah staring at her with wide eyes, his lips still slightly puckered. She put a hand to her cheek as it burned with embarrassment. “Noah . . .”

Noah’s wide-eyed stare made her stomach fall to her feet.

“Say something,” she whispered.

But his lips did not move. Only his eyes, which seemed to widen in disbelief one moment, then narrow in calculating thought the next.

“Please say something,” she said again. “I cannot bear it.”

Finally, he took a deep breath and opened his mouth, turning his face away so she could only see his profile as he ran a hand up the back of his neck. “Th-thank you.”

He spun back toward her, and the pity in his eyes was enough to break her. A warm tear dripped down her cheek.

“Thank you?” Her lips quivered, and she bit down on them.

“I—” Noah pushed his hands back into his hair, his thick locks wavy from the salty sea air. He ran his hands down until they covered his face. “I’m sorry. I wish I had words, but I find I am at a loss. I just need to think. Please give me a moment.”

She swallowed and threw a hand over her mouth. Bursting into tears and theatrics would only make this moment worse. If she did her best, she might be able to convince him it had been a mistake, that she had only been caught up in the moment.

So she tried another tactic. “Goodness,” she said, wiping a tear on her cheek as she tried to regain control of her emotions. “You should see your face, Noah. I was only teasing, of course.” She sniffed.

Noah’s hands fell from his face, and his features crumpled before he forced them to remain still, shaking his head as he watched her. “Hannah, don’t do this. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not,” she said with a shrug, wiping her cheek again to try and dry it.

He narrowed his eyes. “Is . . . is that why you invited me here tonight? To play a cruel joke?” He swallowed as he clenched his hand at his side. “Or, perhaps the truth is that you wished to tell me something. Something important.”

She raised her chin, her eyes fluttering as she tried to keep the tears back, her lips trembling so much she feared she wouldn’t be able to stop the sob from breaking free. “What would you have me say?” She wrapped her arms around herself, looking up at the stars as she tried to clear her eyes. She felt a hand on her elbow, and on instinct, she jerked away. Looking down, she saw Noah take a step back.

“I cannot stand this, Hannah. I cannot handle hurting you. It’s breaking my heart to see you like this.”

“Like what?” She sniffed and swiped at another tear as it slipped down her cheek. But the tears became too many, and she stopped her effort.

Noah’s eyes were rimmed in red as he took one small step closer to her. “Like I felt when Margaret refused me. Like your world just ended and you don’t know how you are going to keep going. I hate to think—” He stopped and cleared his throat. “I hate to think that I’ve caused you to feel that way. You are the one who helped me heal and move on, and to have it be me that is causing you pain?” He put a hand to his chest as his eyes filled with their own sort of pain and torment. “I cannot bear it, Hannah. I hate myself for it.”

“You did nothing wrong,” Hannah said, her throat tight. “You cannot help how I feel.”

He shook his head. “This is my fault. I should have been more aware, more careful of how my actions could have been construed. But I loved being with you, and I was selfish. You made me feel good about myself.”

She sniffed and swallowed past the lump in her throat. “You are good, Noah.”

His eyes stared dully at her. “No, I am not. A good man would have been more cautious. I had thought we were just friends, but I took liberties that a man should not.” And then a bitter laugh slipped out of him. “Goodness, Hannah. Look at us! We are alone on a beach at night. Of course you thought . . .” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I am so sorry.”

Hannah attempted a breath but it kept catching until finally she was able to fully fill her lungs. “Please stop saying you are sorry.”

His head snapped up, confusion etched across his brow. “Why? I should apologize. I have done something wrong—”

“Every apology from your lips sickens me, for it is only affirmation that you do not and cannot love me.”

“I did not say—” Noah threw his hands up, turning around only to spin back toward her. He seemed to be scrambling—attempting to make sense of what had happened and utterly failing. “I just wasn’t expecting this.” He gestured between them. Then he paced the shore, his hands running through his hair until it stood in random points. “I am no different than Margaret,” he choked out as he stopped and faced her. “I’ve always wondered how she could do what she did, and I’ve gone and done the very same thing.”

“You aren’t like Margaret,” Hannah assured him, her voice hoarse. “Margaret was aware of your feelings and made you promises. You did no such thing.” And then she asked a question her heart begged to know, all the while fearing his answer. “Do you still love her?”

He took a ragged breath, shaking his head and looking up at the stars. “I don’t believe I do anymore. It’s as if my feelings are a ghost. I cannot tell if they are real or not. Or if they were ever real to begin with.” He brought his face down and locked eyes with her. “But is that enough for you?”

Her head made quick jerks as she shook it. “No. I have not shown much respect for myself up until now, but I would hope I respect myself more than that.”

“And I respect you too much for that. I would want you to be left without a doubt as to my feelings. You deserve to be loved and cherished, Hannah. You deserve someone’s entire heart. Not the mangled thing I have.”

She sniffed. “I feel like such a fool. I should not have said anything. But you had asked why mother wouldn’t let me see you anymore and I wanted you to at least know.”

Noah shook his head, coming closer and lifting his hand as if to touch her chin before thinking better of it and letting his hand fall. “You are not a fool, Hannah. I am the luckiest of men to have earned your regard. And, quite frankly, I do not know what I have done to deserve it.”

Then her walls broke, and her shoulders began to shake, tears streaming down her cheeks. She felt helpless—unable to cry in private and nurse her wounds. Being out on this beach alone with Noah made him a sole witness to her misery. In her mind, it was going to be romantic and freeing, but now it was her prison.

So she turned and sat on the sand, facing the crashing waves as she buried her face in her hands. There was no use trying to stop the tears anymore. Her impulsive behavior ruined what she had with Noah. But truly, how much longer could she have played pretend? Acting as though every touch did not ignite a fire within her, or that every sweet word he said didn’t make her heart soar. No. It had to come to an end. But she wished she had chosen a better time or place.

A warm hand wrapped around her shoulder, and a steadiness braced her up. In a moment of utter weakness and heartbreak, she let her head lay on his chest, her tears soaking his shirt. He was the one to break her heart, but she needed his comfort as well. For this was Noah. Her friend.