Page 31

Chapter Thirty-One

LAN

“Over here!” I yell when I catch sight of a breathless Vivi running toward me, her sandals squeaking as she makes her way from the front gate to the house.

“Hey,” she says, her hand reaching for mine, and though there’s a smile on her face, I can sense something is wrong. Still, she doesn’t let me get a word in, and scoots my butt to the left of the swing as she takes the phone from me. “Are you nervous?”

“I’m terrified.” I stare at my hands, fingers itching to pick at my scabs. Anything to pass time. To subdue the rising anxiety. “This is all or nothing, Vivi. I need to win. My family needs the money.”

“I’m confident they chose you. It will all work out. I promise.”

“Can you open it for me? I’ve been staring at the unread email for the past fifteen minutes, and I just can’t do it.”

What if they say no?

What if this was all for nothing?

What if despite all our efforts, there was no hope anyway?

Vivi inhales sharply, her nails rapping against my phone as she clears her throat. “‘Dear Miss Phan Ng ? c Lan, thank you for your submission to the Southeast Asia Travel Magazine . The team was completely struck by your writing and poise, and by how you eloquently described Sài Gòn. We could feel the deep love you have for the city, as well as how much cultural knowledge you harbor. Unfortunately…’” Her face falls.

“What?” I try to pry for my phone, but she yanks her arm away.

She chews on her bottom lip, her eyes darting back and forth from me to my phone screen. “Do you want me to read the rest?”

I nod.

“Unfortunately, we ultimately decided to move on with another story for the contest.”

A breath hitches in my throat, the whistling in my ears becoming louder. “Oh.”

It’s over.

I didn’t win.

I couldn’t do it.

“Wait. There’s more.” She grabs my arm. “However, we truly did fall in love with your writing and portrayal of Vietnam. We’d love to offer you one of the newest positions on our team. An opportunity as a paid journalist throughout Southeast Asia writing content for the magazine.”

Eyes wide, Vivi grabs both of my shoulders and envelops me into a full hug. “Lan! This is huge. You didn’t win, but you kind of did? They gave you a job . You can travel !” Still beaming, she squeezes my hands. “I told you. Didn’t I? I knew you could do it.”

I avoid her gaze. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. They’re not happy tears. Instead, I feel… angry.

She blinks and hesitates. “Is there something wrong?”

Too many things are wrong. I’m confused about my own emotions. I should be happy, so why aren’t I?

“I don’t think I can take the job.”

She frowns, my answer catching her off guard. Hurt forms on her face, and still holding my hand, she fumbles through her words, her voice cracking. “But why not? You want to go see the world. To travel and learn and grow. Now you can! You can do what you’ve always dreamed of. If you have a good paying job,” she continues. “Wouldn’t you be able to send money back? That was your goal, right? The money. It’s not like you’re leaving for good. You can always visit.”

“You don’t understand, Vivi.”

What if something happens while I’m away? What if I never get the chance to say goodbye again?

Tears well up in her eyes. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that to me . At least help me understand rather than just brushing me off! My own mom says that to me, but how am I supposed to understand when all people do is lie and not tell me anything ?”

I dig my nails into my palm, prickling my skin, but they remind me not to cry. “I can’t change overnight. I can’t abandon this entire city and my family. I can’t just get up and leave for an ‘opportunity.’”

Her lips quiver as her temple scrunches, and my heart drops at the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m not expecting you to change. I’m encouraging you to put yourself first.”

The ache in my temple pounds relentlessly and I furrow my brows, wincing at the pain. Can Vivi not understand that our lives are too different? Leaving Sài Gòn for a temporary job? That’s a year or two without me at the stall. I can’t do that to Má.

“Don’t you think that I want to? Every day I look at the tourists in the city and wish that I could be them. But I can’t,” I choke out. “I’m not you . I can’t just go to another part of the world and play tourist. This city—this life —isn’t just the idealized version you’re seeing. It’s real, and I have to live it. Those dreams about traveling outside of Sài Gòn? They are just that, dreams.”

“All this time, you really thought that I was just playing tourist?”

“That’s not what I mean—”

“I thought I felt safe with you , Lan. That for the first time ever, I found somewhere I feel like I can call home with you here. I thought, finally , someone understands me.”

“Vivi, I can’t just leave my mom! She’s all I have left. I’m not lucky like you. I don’t have both of my parents. I can’t just get on a plane and go anywhere I want like you. I can’t just lie to my parents about a study abroad program. I can’t even go where my dad is anymore. I have people to take care of here. I have a life here.”

She freezes, and I immediately regret what I just said.

“Vivi—”

She swallows, her shoulders convulsing. “No—you’re right. I don’t have a life here. I never really belonged. But I didn’t know that’s how you feel about me, too.”

The ground spins beneath me, and I know I should say something, beg her for forgiveness, apologize about what came out of me, but instead, I’m rooted to where I am.

“Lan, I need to know, please tell me if that’s what you really think of me.”

I can’t, can’t even open my mouth. Because the truth is, I do envy Vivi and her life, with both parents and traveling outside of where she grew up and everything that’s opposite of mine.

Her face searches for mine before contorting, and realization hits us both that I have nothing to say. She turns on her heel, and unlike when we first met, this time, she’s the one running away from me—tears streaming down her cheeks.

My wobbly legs will my body inside, where I slide to the floor and clutch myself in a fetal position. My heart beats wildly, my palms sweaty as my eyes sting and, zeroing in on Ba’s portrait on the altar, my mind begs him to tell me what to do.

The door slides open and Tri ? t steps in. Frantic, I wipe my eyes with the sleeves of my hoodie. “Hey, why did your friend go running off like that—”

I hide my face from him, still clutching my small body together. I breathe in and out and count from one to ten. “Mind your own business, Tri ? t.”

Sighing, he sets down the bag of groceries and sits next to me. He unwraps one of the bags and hands me a bar of ice cream, coconut, and scoots closer to me, unwrapping his own ice cream bar. We eat together in silence.

Finding the silence unbearable for the first time in my life, I speak up. “I didn’t win the contest. But they invited me to be a paid journalist instead. Which means… leaving.”

Tri ? t exhales deeply, his temple pinched. “When is it going to get through to you that maybe, just maybe, your mom doesn’t expect anything of you? You’ve been holding on to this idea that you need to take care of her forever—by yourself.”

I bite my tongue, holding back on the harsh words that threaten to spill out. Tri ? t means well, he does. But he doesn’t understand the pain of losing a parent.

“You think that I don’t know how you feel and that’s why you’re giving me that look.” He laughs. “Do you know why I left B ? n Tre? Why I never really visit?”

The remaining ice cream turns sour on my tongue. “What? Why?”

“My dad always said that since I’m the only male in the family, I need to inherit his land. Growing up, I hated it. I hated farming, I was always more interested in drawings and sketches and seeing how people can build things. All my sisters are good at all this agricultural stuff, and they have the passion for it. But when I asked for my dad’s permission to come here to study and told him that I want something different for myself, he threw all my clothes and belongings out into the front yard. He disowned me. So I left, and I found a new family here.”

“You never told me about this.”

He shrugs, playing with his hands on his lap. “I didn’t know what to say… you know how it is—the burden of being a loyal child to your parents. I had a lot of guilt, and a lot of shame, too. Your mom knew, or at least she sensed something was up, but she said nothing and took me in like a son. Lan, I may not know how it feels to lose someone that I love, but I do know the painful rift between a child and their parent, and I don’t want to see you and your mom like this anymore. Talk to her, she just wants the best for you. Stop carrying all that burden by yourself. Let your mom fly a bit, too; don’t let your dad’s memory overshadow your own life.”

A painful sob escapes me. It’s not like I haven’t thought about all these things that he’s accusing me of. “How can I even learn to live, Tri ? t? When it feels even more painful every single day without my dad? I broke my promise to him. I didn’t pick up his call that day. If I did, he wouldn’t have pushed himself to drive back alone sick. If I had answered, he’d still be here.”

I failed him. He never came back because of me .

“I can’t answer these questions for you, Lan.”

I’m tired. So tired of people telling me that they can’t tell me what to do. Life would be so much easier that way. I don’t know what I want, and I certainly don’t know what Ba would have wanted.

I start crying again, and Tri ? t hands me more napkins. “It’s okay,” he says softly. “It’s not your fault. You can’t live with this guilt for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I’m scared.”

He strokes my hair and I stare at the Popsicle stick I dropped on the floor. I look just like it—frail and ready to snap if someone just bends me a little.

A memory of Ba flashes through me. We were at the top of the hill, about to test run our paper kite. I was so scared to run down with him. Be brave, my little flower! I am always with you!

Willing the memory to dissipate, I squeeze my eyes shut and sob harder into Tri ? t’s pillow, letting him run his fingers through my hair, comforting me. The pillowcase is damp from my sweat, my hair tangled in knots, and my forehead sticky to the touch. Tri ? t doesn’t care, just letting me sob until my throat is dry and my nostrils feel raw.

The door to the house creaks and M á ’s footsteps approach us. She stops short in front of me, looking down at me with her soft eyes. She and Tri ? t whisper back and forth, causing my chest to tighten even more. Ushering Tri ? t away, she takes his place next to me, sweeping the tangled hair from my face.

She takes my face into her arms, cradling me tenderly like she always did when I was young. The simple act brings more tears into my eyes. I didn’t know I missed her warmth this much.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the contest?”

“I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret from you, M á , I just… didn’t know how to tell you. I… didn’t want to fail you. Didn’t want you to place your hopes in me only to be disappointed—like you are now.”

In and out, in and out. I try to steady my breathing, yet my palms are now pools of sweat.

“Lan,” M á says finally, her voice shaking. “You don’t have to keep everything to yourself. You don’t have to do everything by yourself for us.”

My chest squeezes. Everything I’ve done has been for her. “I have to protect us. Protect our family. Protect you.”

She gives me an exaggerated sigh. “Con, I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.”

She continues. “You know I would have let you go wherever it is that you want to, right? I would never force you to stay by my side.”

Shame eats at me, and I find myself wanting to make myself smaller. Smaller and smaller until I disappear.

“M á ,” I sigh, not wanting to argue or fight anymore. “I don’t want to be away from you.”

As if my answer is ridiculous, she wrinkles her eyebrows. “I have Tri ? t. He can help.”

“I want to take care of you myself! Tri ? t can help, but he can’t do the things that I can. What if he doesn’t know where you keep your medicine? What if something happens while I am away? What if he doesn’t know where you are like I do?”

I look down at my hands, clutching them close to my heart. “I can’t lose you, too.”

Tears stream down my cheeks once again. “Ever since he left, I’ve lived every day trying to be your rock. Trying to protect you. I can’t make the same mistake again.”

M á shushes me before gathering me into her arms and stroking my hair, something that has always calmed me. Something she hasn’t done since Ba passed.

“There are so many things that you can do without me, con. Without me holding you back. You were so busy looking after me and the shop that you didn’t even take care of yourself. I know how you canceled your examination dates before you graduated. Your teacher told me that you didn’t want to go to college. I told her that isn’t my Lan at all. My daughter who pores over her books. My daughter who takes after her father’s love for stories and words. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t wish to give you more than what we have. There’s not a single day that I don’t feel like I’ve failed you.

“With this job you’ve worked so hard for, you should be proud of yourself,” she continues. “I don’t care what you want to do, where you want to go. If you want to go to university, then do it. If you want to travel abroad and be a journalist, then do it. But do it for yourself. Pick the option that you want.”

“But M á , what about you? What will you do when I’m not here?”

“Con, M á will be okay. I don’t need you to worry about me. I have Tri ? t, Chú Hai, the neighbors, and so many other people. I have so many people here. You have to realize that, Lan, that we are not alone. We have each other, but we also have the people that love us, too.”

All this time, she has always wanted the best for me. She never wanted me to carry all this burden or to be her perfect daughter.

She brings me closer and kisses my head. I realize that she’s right, that Chú Hai’s right, and that Vivi’s right. My heart aches for the girl that I love. I need to see Vivi. But not yet. Not tonight.

I was right, too. I know now it was right of me to protect M á , to rebuild this family. But Ba is not here anymore. I can’t bring him back. I can only look forward.

“I’m proud of you, Lan, and I know your dad would be proud of you, too.”

“Do you really think so?” I whisper.

“I do, con gái yêu c ? a m ? . I do.”