Page 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

LAN

Vivi doesn’t talk the entire ride home. In fact, she doesn’t talk at all when we step inside her dormitory, either. Her eyes are sad, and my heart hurts as I reach toward her before her lips crash onto mine, and we stumble against the hallway of the dorm, her body pinning me to the wall. She dips her head, her mouth refusing to leave mine as her grip on my arms tightens. Heat dances in my stomach, but I can’t shake off the feeling that something’s wrong. All the giddiness evaporates, leaving me with all of Vivi’s hurt.

“Vivi.” I break apart from her lips, my breathing ragged. “What’s wrong?”

She doesn’t say anything and just takes my hand. I let her, my palm touching the softness of her cheeks. I wish I could undo all this hurt—all these negative feelings—make them deflate somehow.

“Sometimes,” she starts. “Sometimes I wish I could do more . I wish I could just snap my fingers and solve everything that’s been making me feel this way.”

Little does she know I feel the exact same way about her. How I desperately wish I could magic away all the pain she’s bottling inside.

“All these emotions inside me, I’m still trying to make sense of what they are,” she continues. “I don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, but I’m also sad. Then seconds later, I’m confused. And even after all this, after finding my family, I have more questions than answers.”

“Tell me about it. Take your time.” I tighten my embrace around Vivi, wiping her tearstained face with the sleeves of my shirt. Minutes pass, and we stay like that until her sobs slow down and her breathing calms and she can stand again.

“My mom kept all of this from me. The fact that I have an aunt and a grandma—a family here. But you know what’s even worse? She never told them I exist, either.”

There’s an overwhelming urge in me to absorb all of Vivi’s sadness for her, to somehow and someway make her smile again. “So they… didn’t know who you were.”

She nods. “I saw another photo of her I’ve never seen before. One of my mom next to a boy. She looks… in love. Just how many secrets is my mom hiding from me, Lan? How many things has she kept only to herself?”

“Do you not recognize the boy?”

She shakes her head. “No. He’s not my dad. But I think… she came to America with him.”

“Oh.”

“My grandma and my mom,” she continues. “I don’t think they had the best relationship, and I don’t think Sài Gòn was a thriving city back then, especially when she was a kid after the war.”

“It wasn’t,” I say, thinking of all the stories Ba told me. “People did everything they could to survive before we were born. Families were torn apart and hundreds of thousands of people left Vi ? t Nam.”

She swallows. “And my mom was one of them…”

“But your mom’s family stayed.”

She nods. “My grandma is sick. She thought I was my mom, so while I was with her, she kept calling out my mom’s name. Sometimes, she’d yell at her and other times, she’d cry about how much she misses her. But over and over, she kept asking why my mom left, why she left Vi ? t Nam with a boy.”

“Do you think she ran away with someone?”

“I don’t know, but I can’t imagine my mom doing that. She’s always been so… independent? And she’s never talked about this boy. Ever.”

I chew on my lip, my heart still hurting for Vivi. “Maybe… he’s someone she doesn’t want you to know about.”

She sighs. “Another secret. How many does my mom have? Part of me wishes I could stay here forever with you and not have to face her when I get home.”

“But you don’t want that.” I say the very thing that’s been weighing on me these days. The fact that Vivi is leaving soon. “You want to fix this for your family. For you.”

She swallows, nodding limply. “I do. It’s no longer just my mom’s secrets and past, it’s mine too. I want my mom to look at me, really look at me, and tell me where it all went wrong. Why she chose to become a boat person and a refugee and trade her life here for another hard life in the States.”

“I admire you, Vivi,” I say earnestly. “You flew across an entire ocean because you knew deep down that learning about your family and Vi ? t Nam is important to you. You don’t avoid the truth even if it scares you. I know nothing makes sense right now and you don’t know what to do, but just the fact that you did all this… that’s really brave.”

And more than I could ever do.

“Is it really bravery? I’m ashamed—this entire semester, this feeling that I’ve done nothing but lying has been haunting me.”

“You had to do what you felt was right, and it led you here to Sài Gòn. Do you… regret coming?”

I don’t need to hear her answer—I already know it—but still, she says, “No. I’ve never regretted this trip, this decision to come here, one bit. I just—I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not sure how I can stitch things back together anymore.”

She exhales softly. “I just want to understand my mom. I think that’s all this is, the cumulation of this trip, the family in Vi ? t Nam, and her life that she’s never once talked about. I just want to hear her voice telling me why she left… why she never told me about it.”

I gulp. “What about… asking her directly? You’ve got all the answers you can find here—there’s one person left to ask.”

“I think that’s the worst part, that no matter how much I try and how far I’ve come to find the answers, it all circles back to my mom.”

“Maybe she’ll understand this time. Maybe she’ll finally see where you are coming from.”

“Do you really think so?”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you, Vivi.”