Page 31

ESTRELLA

I gripped the horn in my hand, making my way to the center of the arena where a circle of golden flames had begun to form. Khaos raised a hand, waiting for me to step into the circle before the flames completed it. They surrounded me, sinking deeper into the sand and carving through the ground beneath me.

“Until next time, my daughter,” he said, the words feeling far too emotional. He opened his mouth as if he might speak again, then thought better of it and clamped it shut. Again, that feeling of emotions danced over my skin.

He shut them down as quickly as they’d come, his face retreated back to that blank mask. I felt the gap in them, the unfortunate snapping of a bond that would never truly flourish. It was like a vice around my throat, like those threads he’d wrapped around Nemain’s so callously pressed in on mine.

I didn’t want to dare to hope that he cared, didn’t dare to letmyself believe that the Morrigan’s statements about him not feeling anything were wrong.

But I couldn’t deny that he didn’t seem towantto feel something as powerful as love or affection, clamping down on that and shutting it out quickly.

Again, the bittersweet torment of having a father dangled in front of me only for him to be this twisted, detached version of what I’d once known. His failure only made me miss the man who’d raised me more.

“I had a father,” I said, turning my gaze away from him as I fought to swallow the emotion clogging my throat. “And he was ten times the man you will ever be.”

Khaos clenched his teeth, pursing his lips as he raised his hand. “Because I am not a man at all,” he said finally, clearly needing the last word. A stream of water shot straight toward me from the river, swallowing me up and pulling me out of the arena.

The water surrounded me once again, thrashing me about as I fought to hold onto the horn that would be a gift for a male who didn’t deserve it. Untilheproved himself to me, he was worthy of none of my sacrifice.

Only Caldris could make me keep going, could make me keep fighting.

I emerged from the water, breaking through the surface with a sudden gasp for breath. Fenrir howled on the bank, racing forward. His feet slipped along the muddy bank as I jabbed the horn into the ground, using it to steel myself against the racing current of the river as it tried to pull me downriver.

Fenrir grabbed me by the back of my leather armor, sinking his teeth into the collar and using it to pull me out. I helped when I could, pushing a hand beneath me and using my feet to push myself off the muddy bank out of fear I would simply slip back in and drown.

Of all the ways to die, drowning in a river of my own hatred sounded terrible.

I collapsed on top of the mud where the bank crested. Half of my body was draped over the mud, the other half lying on the dry, burnt sand of the Fields of Hatred. Brann approached, touching a hand to the wound in my abdomen that I couldn’t heal on my own. He grimaced as he stared at the blood seeping from it, tearing a strip of cloth from the bottom of his shirt. He pressed it to my waist, lifting my limp body as he tied it around and tried to stem the flow of blood.

It wouldn’t matter. I couldn’t continue to the next trial in this state.I wouldn’t survive the night when the flames went out if I couldn’t find the energy to move.

“You just have to survive the night,” Brann said, seeming to read my thoughts. My resignation that this would be the end. “The phoenix returns everything to its natural state in the morning.”

“Not her,” Macha said, contradicting what Brann believed to be true. His stare was wide as he turned it to me, understanding knitting his brow.

There was no firebird coming to save me.

I sighed, nodding my head and fighting back the urge to cry. Brann stood, giving me space like I’d always wanted when I was upset. Even after the time we spent apart, he knew what I needed. Fenrir nuzzled into me, laying himself along my side and offering me warmth as I shivered with shock.

I was cold. Too fucking cold to be sitting on a plain of burnt earth with fires spiraling all around me.

The Morrigan stood over me, three shimmering faces staring down at me. “Is this how it will be? You watching me nearly die? Over and over and over again?” I asked, the words sticking in my throat as that burn of tears returned. I’d taken another life. Killed another being when it was entirely avoidable outside of the meddling Primordials who had no business deciding who lived or died. Who fought who.

“The journey is about discovering the path to the truth,” Macha said, her voice solemn as Badb knelt at my side. She smiled sadly, reaching out to wipe a tear from my cheekbone. Everything I’d known about myself felt like it was breaking.

Everything I’d known about the world was a lie.

“What truth can be in this?” I asked. I didn’t want any part in whatever truth existed in lies and secrets, death and destruction.

Badb leaned down to touch her mouth to my forehead, shocking me into silence as she pulled back. She held my gaze, looking more maternal than she had any right to be, as her thumb swept another tear away. “Yours.”

With everything I’d already learned, what more truth could there be?

TWENTY-ONE

ESTRELLA

Night fell.