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I could see Laurie tapping her foot with her arms crossed as she waited for him. She was scowling in my direction, and it seemed like I was getting the blame for every second she was parted from him.

“You go,” I said.

He nodded, but I swore there was a hint of disappointment in his eyes as he turned to leave.

“She doesn’t deserve him,” Willow murmured to me.

I couldn’t have agreed more.

20

Madison

It was no surprise that Teagan ended up winning minigolf on Friday. The girl was miles ahead of the rest of us. It had been hard to watch her walk off with Cole as they went on their date. Teagan was such a great person, and I felt a wave of worry rush through me as they departed. It’s not like I didn’t want her to have fun. I was just terrified that Cole would realize how amazing she was. How much better she was than me.

I found myself tempted to watch the show on Sunday night. A sadistic part of me wanted to see Cole’s kiss with Laurie, and I was wondering how his night ended up with Teagan. I sat in front of the computer, my mouse hovering over the play button.

I squinted my eyes shut as I pressed play, only peeking them open when I heard the intro music begin to play. The opening credits consisted of a montage of shots that blended together dates and moments from the show so far. Each shot flashed across the screen for a second before moving onto the next.

There were sweet smiles from Cole and happy laughs from contestants. They showed Evan stuffing an entire doughnut into his mouth, then Willow shyly offering Cole a bite of her pizza. They even showed the moment when I’d fallen on Cole on the ice. A part of me wanted to pause on the video because the moment looked so different on film, but I was too anxious and nervous about the upcoming episode to do it. The montage ended as a cursive “True Love” logo was scrawled across the screen.

“Good evening and welcome to tonight’s episode of True Love,” Angus said, beaming down into the camera lens. “And boy do we have an episode for you this evening.”

The shot cut away from Angus, and a red background appeared with the words “coming up on tonight’s episode…” written across it. I swallowed as I waited for the first preview to show. My palms were sweating, and I found myself wishing I hadn’t eaten dinner earlier. It was sitting uncomfortably in my stomach, which was tensing as I prepared for the worst.

Footage of Teagan sinking a winning shot came on screen. She threw her arms and golf club up in the air as the group around her squealed in celebration. The next moment shown was Cole and Laurie sitting in a horse-drawn carriage. Then it flicked to them having a romantic picnic.

I tensed in my chair. They were looking into each other’s eyes so sweetly that it felt like a dagger to my chest. Was this the moment when they kissed? It was dark, and Laurie and Cole were on a rug with candles all around them. Their faces were close and their bodies were pressed against each other. It was anguish to watch them, but I couldn’t look away. I waited to see their lips touch, but the clip suddenly ended and Angus’ face returned to the screen before anything happened. I may not have seen the kiss, but I already knew that must have been the moment.

I slammed the lid of my laptop shut, my hands trembling as I hugged my knees to my chest. A part of me was hoping that Laurie had been lying. That I would watch the show and there would be no connection between her and Cole. And there would be no kiss. I’d been foolishly hoping it for days, and I felt like an idiot.

My phone screen lit up with a call from Hayley, but for once I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to be given a breakdown analysis of what she’d watched. It hurt enough to know what had happened and to see the moments leading up to it; I didn’t want her to paint me a full picture.

I was so desperate to avoid hearing about the episode that on Monday morning, I had Mom call the school and tell them I was feeling sick. I knew I’d have to face Cole and everyone else that night, but the weekend hadn’t given me enough time to gather my thoughts. I was upset and confused by Cole’s kiss with Laurie, and I didn’t know where to begin when it came to deciding what to do about my own feelings for Cole.

Liking Cole had hit me unawares. It was like a summer rainstorm; sudden and intense, appearing completely out of nowhere. I was still trying to catch up with the feelings, which was hard to do when I was worried he liked someone else. Trying to fit them into the messed up situation we were in was like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube—impossible for someone like me who’d never tried it before.

I’d never felt this way toward Jake. His smiles hadn’t hit me in the stomach, and his words hadn’t lifted my spirits. We’d been friends, but there had never been the crazy connection I felt with Cole between Jake and me.

By the time I arrived at Cole’s house for the selection ceremony on Monday night, I was a bit of a mess. I had hoped that taking the day to clear my thoughts would make things better, but I only felt more confused.

It was drizzling with the lightest misting of rain as I approached the front door. I usually hated the rain, but it seemed to match my mood this evening.

Rather than the usual spot out in the backyard, they were hosting the ceremony in the Kingstons’ living room tonight. When I entered the room, everyone was already there and gathered around as they waited for Cole to come out.

Evan had his back to me and was telling Teagan how cute her date with Cole had been on Friday night. The sickness in my stomach intensified as I listened.

According to Evan, Teagan had gotten ice cream on her nose and Cole had wiped it off for her. Cole had done a similar thing to me when I had cinnamon on the edge of my mouth on the first group date, and it had made my heart race. Did he do things like that with everyone? Had he made Teagan’s heart race too?

I didn’t want to get involved with the conversation, so I went to wait with Willow, who was standing alone. Still, Evan’s voice carried, and it was a relief when he started talking about his own Saturday night date.

“I heard you were sick today. Are you feeling any better?” Willow asked.

“Not really,” I replied. I felt just as confused as I had this morning. Worse, even. My feelings were a mess, but one thing was becoming abundantly clear. Even though Cole had kissed Laurie, and even though he’d had an amazing date with Teagan, I still liked him. I was hurting because I wanted it to be me he shared those moments with, and that would never happen if I were eliminated from the contest.

It was then that I realized I didn’t want to leave the competition anymore. In fact, I was now dreading the thought of being eliminated. But Cole didn’t know that. He still thought I wanted out.

I swore under my breath and my cheeks grew flushed with worry as my pulse started to quicken.