Page 130

“And then I’d protect you from the darkness,” he swore.

“I know you would,” I whispered. “We need to convince you that it’s enough, though.” That you are enough.

His forehead fell to mine, heavy, as if that connection held him upright. “When I had to cut Kakias’s power out of you…it was every fear I’d ever had crashing to fruition. A blade in my hand angled at your skin. I thought—I thought something was going to possess me and those nightmares would come true.”

A tide of guilt poured over me for asking him to do something that dredged up his deepest fears. Sharing the weight of the waves was better than drowning, though. We could find the surface together.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to do that.”

Slowly, Tolek leaned forward until his lips brushed mine. It was tender, a flutter really, but the heat that had coiled within me for weeks raged like it had been waiting for this one confession to unleash itself. My arms locked around his neck, hands exploring his hair as my tongue did his mouth.

He kept one hand beside my head, but the other took its time dragging up my body. Every movement was timed perfectly to the sweep of his lips.

I allowed myself to get lost in him for a moment. To pull a curtain over my own fears and indulge in what he needed right now, but even that could only last so long. As his words played through my head, his fears so potent in this small cavern, my own panic winked back to life like stars in a dark sky.

Sighing, I pulled back. My lips rolled between my teeth as I caught my breath, eyes dropping to the floor.

“Hey,” Tolek said with nothing but patience. I lifted my gaze. “Talk to me. What’s happening in your head?”

The vulnerabilities he’d shared sat between us, and I was wary to brush them away with my own issues.

Tolek would. The moment I opened my mouth, he’d make his fears vanish to wherever he stored them within himself. But then they’d be left to fester, and I did not want to steal this healing from him.

“It’s nothing.”

Tolek exhaled and stepped back. I swore the air between us chilled. “After everything I told you, you’re truly going to say that?”

“What?” My eyes went wide.

“I ripped open my wounds for you—things I’ve spent years burying—and you’re not willing to give even a thought?” There was something in his voice I’d never heard. Anger directed toward me. We’d fought before, but this was something deeper. Something hurt.

“I—that’s not it, Tolek. I tell you everything.”

“Not this,” he snapped. “Not whatever it is making you keep a wall between us.”

Tolek deserved more than I offered him, but how was I supposed to get past a fear of hurting him when he was already hurting so deeply?

“You need to meet me halfway here,” Tol continued. His voice didn’t rise, but it grew more impassioned. “I know you’ve been scarred. I know you’ve dragged yourself back from heartbreaks you didn’t think you’d survive. But dammit, Alabath, I need to know what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

“But we’re talking about you!”

“This is about me. Tell me why you always stop if it isn’t a regret you have about being with me.”

A regret? Those words rang like a slap to my cheek. And when he phrased it like that, when it tangled with this doubt he couldn’t shake, I finally understood how he saw my actions. That he thought I was not committed to him as deeply as I was. Infinitely.

There was no more running from it.

“Because I’m scared!” I finally shouted, the words exploding like shrapnel between us. “I’m scared once we go there, there’s no going back.”

“Going back?” The shadows of his childhood fell on him, like the vow I’d sworn to choose him was a lie. “You do have doubts, then?”

“No!” I rushed out. “Not about you. I’m so sure you’re what I want. You’re what I need, but it’s more than that. More than clinging to someone out of comfort or familiarity.” Damn Angels, if that’s what I’d wanted I would have stayed with Malakai. “I need you, yes, but I want you, too. I want the life you’ve helped me see is possible. The way you make every day feel easier by simply being there. I want every teasing smile, but I also want the dark fears you hide away. All of it and all at once, give me every piece of you in every way you can think to offer it, Tolek Vincienzo.”

I was panting, the words unable to get out fast enough. “I’m more sure of you than I am about my damn title or the emblems or anything, but I’m scared I’ll mess it up and hurt you. I’m scared because I used physical intimacy as an escape from the real problems in my last relationship, and I refuse to let that happen to us. If I keep this wall up and don’t take that final step, I can pretend I’m not scared.”

“Be scared,” he begged, eyes wild and hair on end. “Be scared but brave and wonderfully daring and all the things I love most about you, because if you take that wall down I’ll prove to you we’re different. That you never needed it in the first place. Spirits, I’ll demolish the damn thing if you let me. Be scared, but dive right in, head first and eyes open. Dammit, destroy me if you must, Alabath—I don’t give a damn. Rip my heart from my chest and trample it. Leave me wrecked and ruined, but don’t hold back because you’re afraid.”

He crossed to me, and when his spicy citrus scent overwhelmed me, my heart rioted in my chest. “I’m fucking terrified you’ll change your mind about this.” His hands cupped my cheeks. “Every time I see that tattoo on your arm, I think this is all a beautiful dream that I get to have you. That we’ll all wake up one day and the world will snap back onto its axis and you’ll be his again. And I’d take it if you truly tried and decided you didn’t want me, but don’t put up a wall. Be mine. Fully, uninhibited, and recklessly loving. Be mine, Alabath. Mine. Destroy me.”