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Amelia
Dr. Pearlson is big on forgiveness. At first I thought she was crazy. I had no desire to forgive my father or Julian for the atrocities they’d wrought. But I’m beginning to realize she’s right—holding on to all my rage and anger only hurts me, keeps me in chains. I won’t lie and say I’m there yet, but I am working on it, open to the possibility that one day I can come to terms with all they’ve both taken from me.
Julian is paying for what he did. They found Cassandra’s body buried in the backyard, and he confessed to killing her, although he claimed it was an accident. He’s been charged with her murder and unlawful burial of a body. He’s awaiting trial and has already been stripped of his medical license.
Valentina is the only reason I agreed to visit Julian in prison after his arrest. I was nervous, my stomach in knots, as I waited in that dreary visitors’ room next to Ed, who’d insisted on being by my side. When Julian entered, I was shocked at his appearance. His face had become a pallid gray, his eyes dull, his posture hunched. Adrenaline shot through my body nonetheless as I remembered his attempt to kill me before. Ed seemed to sense my discomfort and squeezed my hand under the table.
“Thank you for coming, Amelia,” he said.
“Speak your piece,” Ed said. “We don’t want to be here any longer than necessary.”
Julian didn’t look at him but took a seat across from me, hiseyes downcast. “I know you hate me, and I don’t blame you. I never meant to hurt you. I thought we could be happy. I was only doing what I thought was best.”
I put a hand up. Even now he was justifying his actions. “I won’t get into this with you. I’m only here to talk about Valentina.”
“I’m willing to give you custody,” he said, and my heart soared. “But I need to know if you can love her like she’s your own.”
I didn’t hesitate to answer. “I do love her. Absolutely. I’m her mother.” The truth was that even though therapy was helping me to recover my past as Amelia, I still had memories of being Valentina’s mother during the two years I lived with her before I ran away, and then in the months after I came back. Even before then, there were early false memories Julian had programmed into me. I couldn’t separate the true ones from the false, but regardless, I loved her, and I knew I always would. Even though she hadn’t been born to me, she belonged with me. Together we would heal and become strong, despite the tragedies we’d both endured.
“She loves you and she needs you,” Julian said. “I don’t want her in the system. It may take a while for the courts to allow you to adopt her, especially given your suicide attempt after your family was murdered.”
“Not to mention your crazy-making,” I couldn’t help adding.
“Yes.” He looked down at his hands, clasped on the table in front of him. When he looked back up at me, his face was serious. “My lawyer advised me to plead insanity, but I’ve refused. You see, I must be considered legally competent in order to petition the courts to grant you legal guardianship of Valentina.” He frowned. “Besides, I’m not crazy. I was only doing what I had to do to protect my daughter.”
Of course, hewasa man filled with madness, but the one pure thing about him was his love for his daughter. I took a deep breath.“My therapist will testify that I’m stable. I’ll work with the courts for as long as I have to until she’s legally mine.”
“I’ve instructed my attorney to transfer most of my assets to you.”
“No—” I began. I didn’t want his money, like some kind of payoff to alleviate his guilt for all he’d done.
“I want you to have it for Valentina’s education and care. I’m never getting out of here—what do I need it for?”
We left then, Ed’s arm around me as we walked from the building, and this fine man held me close to his side as I wept. For the first time in my life, I felt that someone might be watching over me, as if the universe was in some small way making up for the kind of father I never had and the daughter Ed lost.
Epilogue
One Year Later
Julian was convicted of murder in the second degree and is now serving a twenty-five-year sentence. I’ve put all of his money in a trust and use it only for Valentina’s benefit. I sold the house and rented a small Cape Cod in a neighborhood in Lexington where there are lots of other children for her to play with. I’m technically her foster mother, as we work with the family courts to prove I’m a fit mother. I love her even more fiercely than I did before, and I can’t wait for the day when I can legally call her my own.
I haven’t told her the truth about her father yet, or about her birth mother, and her therapist agrees it’s best to wait. She thinks that her dad had to leave the country for work, and we’re still figuring out how and when to tell her he’s not coming back. When she is old enough to know more, perhaps she will want to visit him, but I’ll leave it up to her. In the meantime, Gigi and Ed have become surrogate grandparents to her, and their presence in her life has somewhat mitigated the loss of her family. I’d love to move back to Philadelphia with her so I can be closer to them, but I can’t leave the state until I’m able to adopt her. I hope that day will arrive before too long.
There are other reasons I’d like to go back. Hailey and I have remained close, and we talk a few times a week. Gabriel took some time away from the gallery to get his head together, she tells me, and he spent some time working for an organization in India that helps street children. I haven’t seen or heard from him sincethat terrible night we said goodbye in the police station, but Hailey’s told me that he’s coming home next month, and she’s invited me to his welcome-back party.
I told her I’d think about it. In truth, I’ve thought about it quite a bit. Imagined it really, seeing him again after all this time, embracing, maybe starting anew. But a lot can change in a year, and reality has eluded me for so long that I’m not going to indulge in fantasies. It’s enough to know that I’m no longer filled with missing pieces, to know myself and be rid of the doubts that used to plague me. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen with Gabriel, I will continue moving forward with hope and purpose.
I am coming to terms with all I’ve lost, but I’m learning to be grateful for what I do have. I now look in the mirror and recognize the reflection looking back at me. I like her. A lot. I am even beginning to appreciate all I’ve been through, the good and the bad. Those experiences have all contributed to making me the woman I see in the mirror today. A woman who is learning to become just as comfortable in front of the camera as behind it. A woman who is no longer a stranger.