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Was I grateful not to be sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial?

Yes.

But exoneration had come at too high a price. The only person who’d ever really cared about me, was gone. I was alone. No, worse, I was left with people like Malcolm and Dax and Raleigh, who felt terrible about believing the worst of me, but had believed it nonetheless.

I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get over the pain. I didn’t believe I would ever be able to trust anyone again.

“Caz, you haven’t said ten words since we sat down.” Malcolm’s voice broke into my dark reflections.

I gazed down the table at his concerned expression. “Sorry. I’m out of the habit of normal social interaction.”

I immediately regretted admitting that because Malcolm got an odd expression.

“That’s understandable. Had you considered talking to someone?”

I frowned. “You mean a therapist? I don’t think I’d be able to take advice from someone who hasn’t been through what I have.”

“I’m not sure that giving advice is what a therapist does. Just being able to talk to someone about… It might be helpful.”

“I have zero desire to talk to anyone. Present company excepted.” The last was added out of courtesy, and we both knew it was a lie.

Malcolm winced. But I had to give it to him, he kept trying in his awkward, clearly-feeling-obligated way. “Experiencing unjust incarceration can have profound and lasting emotional and psychological effects on a young man. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

I was pretty sure he’d read it off a website.

I said curtly, “I don’t thinkIhave anything to be ashamed of.”

“No, of course not. I’m not saying it’s a logical reaction. But it’s genuine. It’s real. Clearly, you’re very upset about what happened.”

That was actually funny, and I laughed. Because, talk about understatement of the year.

What was not so funny was when he said bleakly, “Astrid was afraid if you were trapped in there much longer, you’d take your own life.”

That was like getting punched, and I gasped. “What? There’s no way. That’sridiculous.”

Malcolm shook his head. He looked worried and sad. “You had to be hospitalized for a breakdown, Casper.”

“Thehell. It was an overnight stay. I didn’t have abreakdown.Jesus.I had an anxiety attack. With good reason! I was jumped in the showers. I was attacked in the cafeteria.Of courseI was anxious. You’d be anxious too in there. It was fuckingapocalyptic.”

Malcolm flinched, whether at my language or the image that conjured. Well, if it was hard for him to hear, it was harder for me to remember. My heart was bounding and banging all over my chest like a breakdancer in a call-out-battle.

It didn’t help that Malcolm continued to look concerned and kind and disbelieving. Maybe Astridhadthought I was cracking up. I mean, in fairness, I’d wondered how much longer I could take it.

“It wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone, though?” Malcolm persisted. “You’ve been through a traumatic event. One traumatic event after another, really. Even guilty people find readjustment after prison difficult.”

“It wasn’t prison. It was county jail.” Actually, prison would probably have been easier, from what I gathered after having to sit through about fifty thousand episodes ofLockupand60 Days In.

I took a deep breath, pulled myself together. After all, people can only take so much raw truth from each other. I served him the sugar-added flavor. “But yeah, you’re right. It’s…weird. Everything feels unsettled. I don’t have a problem talking to someone. But I want—need a little time to myself right now. To process.”

“Of course,” Malcolm said quickly. “I don’t want to intrude. You’re a grown man. But I know Astrid would have wanted me to try to look out for you.”

“I know.” I wanted to say I appreciated it, but I didn’t. I said reassuringly, “After the holidays, if I’m…”

“Still struggling,” he supplied.

I swallowed my irritation. “Right. If I’m—if I feel like I need to talk to someone, I will. I promise. But honestly, just being by myself right now is the best thing on the planet. Just to have quiet. And privacy.” I smiled. “Besides, it’s the holidays. Everyone’s on winter break.”

Malcolm did not smile. “If you’re in crisis, we’ll get you help.”