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I wish…

I’d never met Dr. Leo Chastain.

Jameson’s revelations added more pieces to the puzzle, which although clearer is still incomplete. I understand now where my brother was coming from. And seeing Leo, Jameson, and Kevin sharing a cup of coffee and catching up isn’t so shocking anymore. They played hockey on the same team for years.

I wish I didn’t have so many unanswered questions. I wish the heaviness in my chest would go away. I wish I weren’t so angry, because I miss him. I want to understand, to forgive, to fall back into the safe space we were making in the world.

I don’t know if I can.

“Want to talk about it?” asks Jessica, perching on the patio chair next to mine.

I close my eyes. Focus on the warmth of the sun on my face. Listen to the wind rustling through trees in the backyard, dogs barking, distant cars, and muted Christmas music from inside the house.

In the back of my mind, I hear Dr. Wilson’s voice.

“What if instead of focusing so much on what you should and shouldn’t do or what is or isn’t healthy, you try focusing on what makes you happy?”

“You still don’t get it. I don’t trust the things that make me happy.”

And therein lies the problem. As much as I don’t want it to be true, Leo proved me right. I shouldn’t have trusted him.

“I don’t know how to forgive someone who lied to me,” I tell Jessica, turning my head to look at her.

She studies my face. “How bad was the lie?”

“On a scale of one to ten? Maybe a six.” Sitting up, I swing my feet to the ground facing her. “Did Dad tell you where I was right before his heart attack?”

She nods. “A treatment program of some kind. He said you had some lasting trauma from an accident and miscarriage. I’m so sorry, honey.”

I smile tightly. “It’s okay. I’m glad you know. Saves us an awkward conversation. Anyway, I fell in love with my therapist there. We ran into each other at my work a few months ago and have since started seeing each other.”

Her eyes widen comically. “Oh. Yikes.”

I snort. “To put it mildly.”

“Do you mind me asking what he lied about?”

I have no idea how to explain, but I try. “He’s, um, known me—about me—for years, but I didn’t meet him until going to rehab. He and Jameson are friends, but neither of them told me.”

Her head tilts. “Has he explained why?”

I look up to see a hawk soaring high above. “That’s the problem. I’m so fucking angry about the fact he lied, I can’t listen to him. I want to, but feel… all fucked up inside about it. I can honestly say I never trusted a partner before him. I’ve never been so blindly, stupidly in love. I knew it was going to implode, but I got involved with him anyway.”

“Sounds like you’re more angry at yourself than him,” murmurs Jessica.

My gaze jerks to her. “Ew.”

She smiles gently. “For me, when I’m struggling with someone else’s behavior, it’s always a good idea to look at my own first. Maybe it’s so hard to forgive him because you still haven’t forgiven yourself for something. I don’t know everything this family has gone through over the years, but I know you’ve had your share of troubles. Have you forgiven yourself, Mia?”

I glare at her. “I don’t like you anymore.”

She laughs, then stands and drops a kiss on my head. “I still like you. When you’re ready, you can borrow my car if you’d like.”

She walks back into the house. I hug my knees to my chest and watch the sky slowly darken.

Have I forgiven myself?

For lying, stealing, and manipulating? For causing so much worry, then dismissing or minimizing that worry? For ignoring and resenting my brother and dad? For finding weaknesses in others and exploiting them? For taking risks, pushing boundaries, putting people on edge… For breaking them?