Page 136 of The Darkest Note

But my care of him was one-sided.

He was eager, desperate even, to take me down. A hit man would probably have more of a heart. It was that coldness, that complete lack of humanity, that reminded me exactly who I was dealing with.

A monster.

“Ah.” I hold a hand over my mouth to muffle the cry of frustration and regret. It feels like my heart is on the verge of ramming out of my chest.

I wish I could say Dutch caught me at a weak moment, but the blinding energy between us was unavoidable. It wasn’t a moment of temporary insanity.

It was a choice.

My choice.

The full scope of my feelings for him exploded the moment he played the piano. There was not a part of me—not a single inch of me—that wanted him to stop.

In his arms, I felt safe. Like an idiot, I thought I was seeing beyond his cold exterior to the real Dutch, the one who rescued me from drowning and pushed me to overcome my stage fright.

But a beast doesn’t know how to do anything but destroy.

I climb out of the shower. My steps are plodding. I’m dripping water everywhere, but I don’t care.

It’s dark when I slip into the hallway. Viola woke up when I came home, took one look at me and then stalked away. She’s still angry that I yelled at her. Just another point where I’ve failed.

I lock myself in my bedroom and sink against the old mattress. It creaks as it accepts my weight. My keyboard stands out in the shadows. The glistening black and white keys remind me of Dutch.

Desperately, I launch up and throw a blanket over it so it’s out of sight.

I pick up my phone, debating if I should call my best friend. I decide against it. Breeze will only tell me ‘I told you so’. She warned me that a guy like Dutch wasn’t to be trusted. It’s my own fault for not avoiding him like the plague.

My chest moves up and down as my breathing thickens. Anxiety spins my head in a freefall.

Is this the end for me at Redwood?

I shift through the regret and brush aside the disgust in favor of something much better—anger. It surges through me like a hurricane, destroying the hopelessness inside.

No, I can’t go down like this.

Tonight is my fault. I’ll accept that.

I opened my legs for Dutch. I let him get close to me.

Maybe that makes me an idiot. But I don’t have to pair that with being a victim. Why should I be the only one to suffer? Why should he walk off into the sunset while I cower in the darkness?

Despite being weak, I have something I didn’t before.

Information.

Tonight’s revelation is a blessing in disguise.

The shift in my thinking makes my blood pound in a different way. I can’t help but jump to my feet and pace my room as I think about what to do next.

Dutch has all the power at Redwood. He’s got Christa’s dad in his back pocket too. I need someone higher than them. Someone with more influence. Someone who the entire school would believe.

I stop in my tracks when it hits me.

Jinx.

Rolling my shoulders to work out the knots, I send a text.