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But I was wrong.

I didn’t need to give the joy inside me a name for it to be crushed under the burden of reality.

Are you busy?I ask as I enter my bedroom, carrying a lit terracotta lamp in my trembling palm. With my free hand, I wipe away the tear tracks that stain my cheeks.

Never for you, Memnon says.

My stomach flutters at those words, loosening the knot in my belly. When did this man begin saying such devoted lines tome? Has he always done this? And if so, then when did I begin to take them seriously? Because I tuck away each sentiment like treasure.

I set the lamp down and, in the low light, unclasp the fibula at my shoulders, letting my stola slide down my torso. I step out of it, clad only in my tunic now.

What is it?Memnon asks.

I swallow as I remove the last of my garments and pull on a clean tunic. I run my hands through my hair, a little of my magic slipping out to loosen my updo. I can hear Livia moving around her room as she too readies herself for bed. She shouted herself ragged earlier and twice came at me, but I think the heat of her anger is banked for the night.

I still remember her shrill voice.“You thought you’d live off me forever? You’re a woman. It’s your duty to marry! I’ve put it off long enough.”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. The truth is right there, but I don’t know how to begin any of it, so I settle on:I had a bad day, and I wanted to hear your voice.

I sense devotion and another sweeter, deeper emotion from him, one I’ve also refused to name.

I wish I could give you more than my voice.Memnon hesitates, then continues.I wish I could be there and hold you in my arms until all your pain and sadness were gone.

I sit down on the edge of my bed, more tears stinging my eyes.

He continues,I would whisper into your ear all the ways you are incredible. Because you are. You are the most incredible part of me, and honestly, if you need me to kill someone?—

Memnon!I bite back a laugh, though I know he can feel my amusement breaking through my sadness.

His tone grows serious.And if you were still sad, I would tell you that you’ll get through it, that I’m here to help carry the weight of hard days.He hesitates again before pushing forward.And then, if you’d let me, I would kiss you, Roxilana, and I would savor the sweetness of your lips.

I don’t think I’m breathing. Or—wait, Iam, only there’s not enough air for my lungs to take in.

Memnon, I finally say.

I don’t know what he hears in my tone, but he laughs, the sound stroking me from the inside out.

Did you not like that?He doesn’t sound the least bit dejected.Fine, let’s just be friends.

My face crumples then, and I bury it in my hands. Why have we never openly talked about this? We most definitely should have.

My heart aches and aches and aches because of the unfairness of it all. Memnon is encased in the confines of my mind, closer to me than anyone else in existence, and yet he’s still so far out of my reach. Too far.

And now that he’s offered it, Iwantthat kiss and everything else that his presence promises—but that’s not my fate. All the yearning in the world won’t save me from what’s going to happen.

Roxilana?he says.

I’m still here, I say softly, drowning in my own misery.

He hesitates, maybe sensing my emotions.

You and I will always, always be friends, he finally says.

I nod to myself, pressing my lips together.We will, I agree. That is something, at least.

But if you could have more with me, he continues,would you want that too?

I lift my head from my hands, surprise masking my other emotions. Magic leaks from my palms and my heart feels like it’sin my throat. It’s as though he pulled my own deepest wish out of the recesses of my soul.