Page 122 of The Book of Summer

“Gotcha,” Ruby said with a wink and a nod—literal, that is. “I get it.”

Another wink.

Sam looked at her cross-eyed.

“No, Ruby, it’s not like that.” He sighed. “I want to go back. This joint. It’s making me bonkers.”

“Of course it is!”

It was a psycho ward, after all. Naturally, Ruby wasn’t eager to remind him.

“Who could blame you?” she said. “I’m jumpy and I’ve been here all of fifteen minutes.”

“There’s so much that was terrifying,” Sam said, speaking more to himself than to his wife. “Beyond words.”

Ruby nodded. Beyond words, except where it went into print. The papers covered the action, in excruciating detail, as much as they could give. For example, Ruby learned that last fall, U.S. naval forces had been creamed in the South Pacific. The Japs destroyed a dozen ships and took people hostage left and right. Sam’s own vessel was involved but they managed to keep it floating.

This was the abbreviated tale, pasted together by Daddy, a summarized kid’s version, if you please, as Ruby couldn’t bear to read the reports herself. She’d stick with Hattie’s black-market investigations and box scores for now. Let Daddy give her the need-to-know.

“Sweetheart,” Ruby said, and took both of Sam’s hands in hers. “It must’ve been horrific.”

“It was, but even so, I miss it.” Sam shook his head and bit back his tears. “Damn it, I miss the ship and the routine and the…”

He couldn’t finish, the tears now hot and angry in his eyes.

“I want to go back,” he said.

Ruby squinted at her husband. None of it seemed like a put-on, a ruse to keep the top brass happy. Ruby didn’t quite know what to make of the declaration, considering Sam’s state: in that bed and in that ward.

“It might sound off,” Sam went on. “But the most alive I’ve ever felt was on that ship.”

“I’ll try not to take that personally,” Ruby said, and attempted a terse chuckle. “And yes it does sound a little ‘off.’”

“What I mean is,” Sam said. “You see, I’ve never been filled with such drive and purpose, with such a deep sense of ‘this is where I’m meant to be.’ Don’t you have at least some pride in me because of it?”

Ruby dropped his hands and then picked them back up so as not to send the wrong message.

“I’m very proud of you,” she said. “But I’d rather you be home.”

“I don’t want to go home. Not yet. Please.” Sam stared at her, those rich brown peepers of his wet and imploring. “Tell me that you understand.”

“I’m… I’m not sure. I don’t know how to answer.”

“I want to go back.”

“You’ve made that very explicit,” Ruby said. “But how am I supposed to accept it? You going back to battle, this hospital, the events that led you here… You’ve asked me to understand but that’s asking a lot.”

“Itisasking a lot. But Ruby, don’t think abouthere.Believe me. I won’t let that happen again. That… that was a onetime thing. A mistake. I promise, my love.”

Ruby found she was bobbing her head as he spoke.

“That’s my girl,” Sam said, snuffling. “I swear to you, I swear with everything that I have, everything I am, that I’ll never succumb to the vile urges that—”

“Sam, don’t.”

“Sometimes it’s easy to forget where you are,” he said, “when you’re on the other side of the world.”

Forget where he was? Didn’t Sam say it was the very spot he was meant to be? Ruby couldn’t help but think that none of this would’ve happened if she’d stayed pregnant, if she’d held on to that baby for the full ride. She was at least a little to blame.