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Tonight was not the first time I wished I could turn back the hands of time. What could I have done differently to change the way things were? What could I have said that would have given him the strength to hold on? Didn’t he know suicide was a sin? Yes, he knew. We’d talked often about the Bible. What could have been so bad that he couldn’t fight for his life?
“Elijah, baby, I need you so bad,” I cried. “Please, please, baby, come back.” I whimpered, tears running from my eyes, intermingling with the snot that dripped from my nose.
My phone rang again, and when I looked at it, I saw that it was my big sister, Genevieve, whom I called Genni. I knew that if I didn’t answer the phone, she would only call again, and if I still failed to answer, she would wait for an hour and call again. In between the calls, I would get a dozen text messages. If she still didn’t receive a response, she would pop up and use her key to enter my townhome.
“Hey, Genni.”
“Gigi. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lied.
“Don’t lie to me. I hear it in your voice. You’ve been crying.”
I squeezed my eyes and lips shut tight. I tried to hold the pain inside, but it was making my chest ache.
“Oh, sweetie. It’s Elijah, isn’t it? You’re missing him,” she stated softly.
Her compassionate voice broke the damn, and I cried endlessly for several minutes as she just let me cry. She didn’t try to make it better or tell me that everything would be all right. She just let me get it all out.
I finally stopped.
“You want to talk?”
“I don’t know, Genni. It’s just so hard. I think back on the advice Raegan and Eriss and a long line of other well-meaning friends and relatives have given me, and I want to curse them.”
“Why, baby girl?”
“They all said that wounds heal with time. Well, they lied.”
“Maybe they didn’t, baby girl.”
“How would they know? Not one of them has ever walked a step in my shoes. Not one of them has ever lost a love like mine. Not one of them has had the love of their lives to commit suicide. Do they understand how it feels to know that your love wasn’t enough to keep a person here on this earth? That they didn’t love you enough to stick around to fight the battle with you? Of course, they don’t.” I sobbed.
“You’re right. No one knows your pain except for you. And even if they had gone through something like that, it still wouldn’t be the same. Your relationship with Elijah was unique to you and him. There is not another Elijah, just as there isn’t another Giselle. What you two had could never be replicated, so it’s impossible for them to feel your pain.
“But I will tell you this. It may not happen today, tomorrow, next week, or even next year. But they’re right. In time, that wound will heal. Will it go away completely? Probably not. There will always be a bitter sting when you’re wondering what you could have done differently and what you missed. But it will heal. I’m sorry it hasn’t happened as soon as you would like, but it will happen, sweetie.”
“Genni, they keep telling me to hold on. Well, now it falls on deaf ears. They have no clue of my pain and the difficulty I experience letting go of a love that ended a while ago. A love that will never be returned, no matter how much I give of my love and myself.
“Never will I hear the deep, throaty laughter he emitted at one of my corny jokes, nor see the smile that always seemed to be hiding some elusive secret I could not get to. There won’t be any more making love at two and three o’clock in the morning when he woke feeling horny and pulled me close to him. You know what I miss the most, though, Genni?”
“What’s that?”
“His soothing, deep voice encouraging me over the phone when I was having a particularly rough day with my clients. For so long, I have just yearned to hear his voice one more time. Even in my efforts to replay the final phone call in my head fifteen minutes before he pulled the trigger, ending his life, his voice was not the same. Not exactly.”
“Listen. Nobody can feel your pain, honey. And I won’t try to tell you to ignore it. Embrace the pain, let it work its course, even if it has to take the long circuitous route, if that’s what you need to do.”
“I’ve done that the last five years.”
“Well, then only you will know when it has wrung you dry. And when it has, put that bitch in its place, and tell her that it’s time to let you live again, breathe again, and quite possibly love again.”
My sister’s voice turned into a whisper on the final phrase, “Love again.” She understood how I believed that, though it was possible, it wasn’t something I wanted. I was afraid of losing someone again. This hurt too much.
Now, coupled with my grief, I had to deal with this new guilt. I felt as if I had betrayed Elijah’s memory by lustingafter another man, especially one who was married. No man had occupied any space in my head, since the passing of my precious husband, and long before that. Now it seemed as if Casimir crept into my thoughts more and more, and Elijah wasn’t having it. He had come back with full force today in my thoughts, my memories, and even just being more aware of his pictures around the house this evening. I knew that was because of how heavily Casimir had been on my mind. That was the only explanation for why I was missing Elijah so desperately.
“You’re right, Genni.”
“You did a lot of things rapidly, hoping to move past the pain, and I doubt you ever allowed yourself to feel your grief in the beginning. I know that you have the last few years, but it took you a year to get there. You were too scared of it sinking its tentacles into you. Too scared of becoming depressed.”