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A shiver scrapes up my arms.

I stare at my hands; the faintest whispers of toushana dance on my skin. I remember how Mom and I would hide, how she would be riddled with fear at even the chance of anyone seeing my magic. How she would chastise me for even thinking about using it. It’s only been a few days, but something in this place calls to me, despite my misgivings.

I don’t want to live a life hiding it either.

If Beaulah can actually show me how to fully step into all that I am—the girl who everyone else already has decided I am—why fight it anymore?

I play with a tendril of toushana and touch a leaf on a small plant on the vanity. It blackens, coiling into itself, then crumbles into dust. I bite my lip and glance up at Beaulah to apologize for destroying her pretty plant. But she beams with an affection I’ve never seen before or felt from anyone. And I can’t look away from her.

Everyone wants to kill me for what I am. This woman, despite her secrets and her half-truths, saved my life because of what I am. She sent Charlie to find me, despite my determination to write her off as a monster. Who else has ever pushed me to consider myself? To think of what I want? My own mother never said those words. Beaulah has only accepted and helped me. That matters.

Maybe it matters more than anything.

Everyone believes I’m a Darkbearer, no matter what I say or do. So maybe I am one. I’m done running from the name. Beaulah ties my braid and lays it over my shoulder.

“I’d like to do a full day of experiments with you tomorrow, but my way. There are some parts of my toushana I’d like to explore,” I tell her.

A smile spreads across her face.

“Do you have time tomorrow? I realize it’s the day before Adola’s Trials.”

“I will make time, dear.” Her wolf pup stretches, then laps my hand with its slimy tongue. I grimace. Beaulah shoos him away.

“Rest tonight. We will work tomorrow. We have quite the celebration planned for Adola. It will be a long, but rewarding, end to a busy week. You’ll have fun. That I’m sure of.” She walks to the door and pauses at the doorknob, her dog at her feet. “Quell, I am proud of you for realizing there are people who will never understand you. Not the Order. Not Jordan. And not your mother.”

You’re wrong, I wish I could say, but I can’t stop thinking about how desperately my mom and I hid. How buttoned-up she was about anything about the Order. How she never told me there were other people with magic like mine.

“I don’t care about the Order. It never served me anyway.”

“Good.”

“And Jordan and I aren’t a thing.”

Beaulah’s brows widen in surprise. “I hope that’s true about you and my nephew. He will kill you, dear, and not lose a wink of sleep. I know because I bred him to be that way myself.” She tosses the invitations in the fire before closing the door behind her. I stare at the hungry flames, stewing on Beaulah and how differently she regards me versus almost everyone else in my life. My mother is out there somewhere. And I will find her eventually. But maybe it’s okay to do something for myself for a change.

I take out a notepad from the bedside table and settle at a desk with a Darkbearer book.

Twenty-Three

Jordan

Mynick is waiting at my desk, his glossed green mask on his face, when I enter Headquarters. He uncrosses his legs and straightens when he spots me.

“Sir, I thought you knew—”

I hold up a hand to shut him up and indicate one of the private meeting rooms.

“Signatures on all these, sir.” Maei follows us inside, handing me a clipboard and pen.

“How upset is he?” I ask her.

“He’s pretty mad. The mayor called him in the middle of the night. He’s been here ever since, waiting on you to come in.”

I sigh. “I’ll see him in a moment.”

Inside the conference room, Mynick opens his mouth before I shut the door, and the frustration of the last several days boils over. I grab him by the throat.

“From now on, you need my permission to take a piss. Am I understood?”