Page 66

I shove the toy against my mouth as he scoops up the phone and I try not to cry.

“Yeah, well, you fucked up, Erin. He’s where he should be. With me.”

God, I want to rampage, hit, scream, hurt. But I struggle to keep it all under control, and I try to get him to understand, to see Sasha needs me.

“Demyan, I understand you’re angry. I get you’re still processing that you never knew about him until the other day.”

“And I’d never have known except for fate.”

“Maybe. And maybe when, he asked we’d have found you. I don’t… I’d never hurt him. Ever. And if that meant finding a-a dangerous man because he wanted to know his father, I would do that.”

“He’s two.”

“One day. In the future. My goal isn’t to hurt you. It’s to protect him. Always. But if one day he wanted to know about you, then I’d have found you.” I make myself look at him. “And I get it. You’re hurting. But Demyan, you can’t do this to me or our son.”

He gives me a look he might give a piece of dirt on his shoe. “Give me one good reason not to do it, Erin. Just one.”

The tears burn hot and blur. “Because I love that little boy more than anything in the world. And he loves me. Have you even thought what cutting me from his life will do to Sasha? He needs his mom.”

“Does he?”

I flinch. “Yes. And I’m sorry, more than you can know, that I kept him from you, but I did it to protect him. And I’m glad you know about him and want him. You care, I can see it. The only thing better than one parent is two.”

He doesn’t say a word and I know I have to do it, be the bigger person. For Sasha. He’s all that matters to me, and Demyan’s going to do what he wants. “Can I have the phone?”

“Want to call someone?”

“No. Pull up the notes screen. Please.”

For a moment I don’t think he’ll do it, but he does, and feeling like I’m cutting off my own arm, I start typing.

“You hold my fate, Demyan. I can’t change that. If you want to kill me, you can. If you want to keep Sasha from me, you can do that, too, but… don’t… don’t be cruel to him. He’s just a baby. He doesn’t know. He’s stubborn and he’ll try your patience, but he’s worth every moment.”

I take a shaky breath, forcing the words out.

“If you must hurt someone, make it me, not him, never him. And Demyan, teach him to be good, to be kind. Because he is.”

A tear falls on the screen, and I hand him the phone.

“What the fuck is this?”

“A list of what he likes and doesn’t. His nap times, his toys, his favorite books. He likes box mac and cheese, but only as a very special treat. He hates strawberries, but he loves raspberries and watermelon. He hates seeded bread, unless you call it special bread. I… it’s all there. The essentials.”

Then I hand him the toy and his pillow and I’m dying. I can feel it. Inside I’m shriveling up and dying.

“Please take these. Please. He loves them.”

At first, I think he’s going to let them fall, but his handcomes around them. And that ice in his eyes seems to warm. But then it slams down.

And like I’m nothing at all, he turns and walks out, the door, locking behind him.

Now I have nothing of Sasha’s. I can’t even smell him. I crumple to the ground, lost in a haze of grief.

Chapter Seventeen

DEMYAN

“Are you listening?”