Page 96 of Penance
“Okay, don’t tell me.” He shrugs then too, “we’re not that bothered.” Stopping before me, he taps his foot. “I’ll just spend the next few hours torturing you. Playing with you before carving little pieces of you up until you eventually bleed out. How do you think your family will survive without you? Isn’t it your damaged little soul that holds all of those psycho Swallows together?” he tilts his head at me, and I think of Charlie.
Imagining his glaring green eyes, his white hair. How he looks simply ethereal dripping in crimson. Red is Charlie’s colour, when I get out of here, I’m gunna get him a scarlet red leather jacket to match mine. The Chaos Twins really will twin. I smile at the thought.
“God, you are fucking crazy,” he tsks, like it’s a bad thing.
“Yeah, I fucking am,” I agree, a grin stretching across my battered face, despite my words slurring. “Do your fucking worst,” I hiss.
And he does.
My limp body untied; I flop to the floor. Nothing to break my fall, I land in a boneless heap. The chair flies across the room, I hear it thud as it lands.Hisheavy footsteps echoing towards me. That’s when I crawl into the darkest recess of my mind and stay there.
I don’t know how much time passes. How many times I’m knocked unconscious, or how many times he forces himself on me. But eventually pain overwhelms all of my senses, forcing me back into the room. My breathing raspy, ribs cracked. Eyes swollen to the point I can hardly see.
All I cling onto now is knowing that my boys will come for me. My hellhounds will scent blood and track me down. Whisk me away from here and love me regardless of what’s been done to me today. Hold my broken body close and kiss my face, stroke my hair, and keep me safe. Tattooed arms and muscular chests, big hands and warm smiles, all of that reserved just for me.
Retied in my chair, my naked body bloody and broken, I’m left alone. I fight to stay awake, but I can’t. I drift in and out of consciousness. Only images of my lovers bringing me back into the present. Thoughts of them giving me just enough to hold onto, to keep me here. Stop me from falling into that endless black abyss.
I hear the shuffling of papers, something slapping down at my feet.
“This is something my boss wants you to know before I kill you. The real reason you’re here,” my attacker scoffs.
He crouches down before me, scatterings of papers between us. He cocks his head, a sly, crocked grin on his thin lips.
“You let professional devils into your bed. Like a desperate whore, you invited them into your home, into your life, yourcunt. Let them in on family meals, have access to your private files, let them roam your house. And all because you were so fucking desperate for love. That’s what’s wrong with women in this line of work, always letting your emotions lead you. Well, luckily for my boss, that’s true, int it. It worked, you fell for them hook, line, and bloody sinker. I probably should have showed you this before I fucked up your pretty little face, but I got a bit carried away, sure you understand, little love. It’s been so long since we’ve been together, I wanted to make the most of it.”
He cups my face, his thumb smoothing across my swollen cheekbone. Gently, lovingly. It makes me sick.
“This is all the evidence you need; my boss didn’t think you’d take my word for it. I wasn’t so sure, I mean, if you were dumb enough to fall for this shit, you’d probably take anyone’s word for it. But alas here we are, just doin’ as I’m told,” he mocks, a dark chuckle falling from his chest.
I strain my eyes open as much as I can, taking in the, what must be, hundreds of photos at my feet. Photos of me, of Charlie, the warehouse, the tower. Anyone could have taken these shots but what has my heart shrivelling up inside my chest is the handwritten notes accompanying them. Kacey’s graffiti style lettering, Huxley’s private education cursive. Even Max’s chicken scratch, all stapled to pictures of me. Images of me from the summer, even earlier. All before we ever met. Floorplans stolen from where I kept them in my bedroom. Photographs of schedules and timetables of shippings taken from my at home office. Dock timetables that I had taped inside my gun safe, the same safe I gave Max access to on Christmas Eve. Places that no one has had access to but my three boys. There’s even photos of me in bed, nights that I spent with more than one of the boys, only the photos show only one of them with me... Meaning it could have been them taking the pictures.
No one else knew I was in that hospital.
“Your dead bird was courtesy of your boy Huxley, did you screech like a little girl when you saw it?” he mocks. “Kacey randomly finding you the morning after the fights, you thought that was just a coincidence? Persistent wasn’t he, did you think you were that alluring that he’d chase you around like a little lost puppy just to get into your bed?” he tuts at my stupidity as though it disappoints him.
My eyes blur with unshed tears.
“Oh, don’t cry, little love, they’re not worth your tears. You held yourself together so much better than you used to. Don’t ruin it for yourself now,” he chuckles, the sound dark and laced with poison.
My stomach twists painfully, the longer I look, the more I see. And although I can’t see what their words say, it is very clearly their writing. Even with my eyes half swollen shut, I can see that. They are all so unique, and even if they weren’t, I fear I’m so completely besotted, wrapped up in them all so deeply that I’d know anyway. Even if it looked just like everybody else’s.
I can’t hold back the sob that tears free from my abused throat, the sound fractured and raw. Everything inside me shattering into pieces, the sharp shards piercing me from the inside out. My body shakes violently, the pain of my injuries dissipates. The pain in my heart cancelling out everything else, the organ I thought had been revived starts to die all over again. My soul feels like it’s lifting free of my body, disappearing like a cloud of thin smoke to the wind. Nothing on this green earth enough to tether it down. Tears pour down my face. The strangled sounds ripping free from my chest aren’t familiar even to my own ears. Even after everything I’ve been through. This betrayal hurts the most, cuts the deepest, stings the harshest. It completely destroys me in every single way.
I thought I’d finally found my happiness.
I sob until I can’t breathe and even then, I can’t find it in myself to stop.
“Well, it’s been fun, little love,” my abuser sighs, standing as he does. “But all good things must come to an end, and my time is up. I must say I did enjoy reacquainting myself with your tight little body again. Shame that’ll be the last time,” he shrugs nonchalantly.
Strolling over to me, he lifts my chair, and I don’t struggle. I go lax in my bindings as he hefts me in the chair over to a huge tank of water.
“Someone really wanted to hurt you before they took you out, enough to send me. Given up now, little love?” he cackles, lifting me up high. “Sweet dreams,princess,” he hisses, dropping me face down into the freezing tank of water.
Bound to my chair, the icy water feeling like a thousand knives assaulting my skin, I sink to the bottom. My eyes closed, my lungs burning with what tiny amount of oxygen they have left inside them. I think of Max’s bright sea-blue eyes, his tattooed hands laid atop ivory piano keys. Huxley’s fearless nature, his sly winks and comforting hands. Kacey’s teeth in my neck, his big body curled around mine protectively. All the sweet things we laid in bed whispering to each other, stayed up late and talked about. The ways they took care of me, all the smiles and affection.
The love.
How all of it was lies.
How they stitched my heart back together between them. Replacing little missing pieces with some of theirs, completing me with their devotion. Only to smash their collective hands inside my chest, grip my mended heart in brutal, unforgiving fists and tear it out. Ripping it into irreparable little pieces and setting it on fire.
I slowly release that tiny bubble of oxygen left inside my lungs, think of all the ways they ruined me, and inhale a deadly amount of water.