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“I’d give that up forever in a heartbeat if my work allowed for it.”
“Does that mean you’re willing to go back to college, get that history degree, and settle down to teaching with me?” Chas pressed. “And never pick up a weapon again? Never harm anyone again?”
Gunner squeezed his eyes shut tightly and asked grimly, “Are you making that a condition of our continued relationship?”
“What if I were?”
“I asked first.”
It was Chas’s turn to sigh. “That’s what my heart wants. In my head, I don’t think it would be fair. I got into this relationship knowing who and what you are.”
Gunner exhaled hard. Again. Why couldn’t Chas understand what his career meant to him? He tried to explain. “Look. I love working with men like Spencer and Drago. It’s who I am. More to the point, it’s who I want to be. I like this version of myself. I’m strong, self-sufficient, and I can protect the people I care about.”
“I do understand the allure of all that. Believe me, I got picked on a lot more than you did as a kid. But I also grew up. I learned how to use my words to deflect most idiots and my fists to deflect the rest. I don’tneedyour protection. But I don’t condone killing people. That’s my line in the sand.”
“I hear you, Chas. I even believe you. But I still want to be able to look out for you.”
“At some point, you’re going to have to acknowledge that I’m an adult and can take care of myself.”
“It’s not about you. It’s who I am. SEALs are in the business of protecting lives. Of using violence when necessary to stop bad things from happening to innocent people. Violence is a tool, not an end in and of itself.”
“You’re splitting hairs,” Chas accused.
“They’re important damned hairs. They make the difference between me being the murderer you accuse me of being and an honorable warrior protecting his country and its people.”
“I’m not questioning your patriotism. Just your chosen methods for defending it.”
“Aren’t you splitting hairs by saying it’s okay to use some force, but it’s not okay to use lethal force?” Gunner accused.
Chas didn’t answer. He merely turned away, staring out the window of the diner in stony silence.
So that was it? They were over? Because Chas couldn’t wrap his head around what SEALs did and why? He refused to believe that they couldn’t find a way through this. The alternative panicked the living hell out of him. Gunner knew deep down in his gut that he would never love another man the way he loved Chas. And furthermore, he was pretty damned sure he would never find another man who loved him the way Chas did.
“You were happy enough to have my SEAL skills at your beck and call when you and Poppy were in trouble. Isn’t it a wee bit hypocritical to wring your hands and claim I’m being too violent now?”
“Pulling me out of a dangerous situation and killing people are two entirely different things!”
“No, Chas. They’re not,” he ground out. “I was prepared to kill anyone who tried to hurt you the night I came to Misty Falls. I was equally prepared not to kill anyone tonight if they didn’t escalate the situation enough to make it necessary.” He took a breath and continued more calmly, “Sometimes there are going to be jobs where the rules of engagement are to kill or be killed. But I promise you I never kill when it’s not absolutely necessary.”
Chas was silent.
What the hell was going on inside Chas’s head? His stony expression wasn’t giving away a thing. Gunner asked reluctantly, “Is that enough for you?”
“I honestly don’t know,” Chas said quietly.
Gunner squeezed his eyes shut hard, shocked to feel an excess of moisture in them.
From across the table, Spencer said, “Drago and I agree on what should happen next. We want to run it by you two.”
Gunner looked up bleakly. It was hard to care about a damned thing when his heart was cracking like a sheet of ice that had just had a wrecking ball dropped on it.
Chapter Twenty-One
CHAS COLLECTEDPoppy out of her car seat, which had been strapped into one of the plush leather seats on the private jet Kenji Tanaka had sent for them. Poor kid was cranky and out of sorts after spending almost twelve hours inside the jet. They’d stopped in California to refuel and had gotten out and stretched their legs, but the toddler was pretty much done with being confined.
She wriggled furiously, starting into what he expected was about to be a total meltdown. “Your turn to chase her,” he murmured to Gunner. “Ready?”
Gunner rolled his eyes and slipped his backpack off, then set it down beside him.