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I guess I can do this.

“I... I kind of have something to tell you, too.”

Mom’s eyebrows press together. “Baby, maybe now’s not the time. We need to focus on Wally right now.”

I get a flash of irritation, and I roll my eyes before I can stop myself. Should I have expected anything different?

“Now, I saw that, and you will not disrespect your mother like that,” Dad says. “What’s gotten into you? Is this because of what happened with the Lee boy?”

“This has nothing to do with Alex,” I spit out, holding in another eye roll.

Except that’s not true.

Would I have gotten to this conclusion without him? I don’t think I would have let myself wish for this, even considered it as a possibility for me. But I know that without him, it’s still what I want. My...thingwith him—that may have been a silly, unrealistic dream, but this isn’t.

And I need to tell them now. Right now, before I lose my nerve. Even if they don’t think it’s the right time.

“I know that Wally needs you right now, but I need you too,” I say, my voice getting stronger with each word. Wally reaches out and squeezes my hand in encouragement. “Before this trip, you two sat me down and told me I needed to figure out my path and get focused. And I think... Iknowwhat that is now. I’ve decided that I want to take a gap year. I want to defer my enrollment to NYU, and maybe... not even go at all.”

Mom’s eyes go wide, and Dad’s jaw is tight. I continue on.

“It’s not what you want for me. I know that. But I’m sure it’s what I want—what’s right—for me.”

“Lenore...” Dad starts. I can feel the anger, the worry, pulsing off him.

“Lenore, this is unacceptable,” Mom finishes for him. “Taking a whole year off—it’s not an option.”

“Mom, I—”

“No,” she cuts me off. “I don’t want to hear any more of this ridiculousness right now. Really, with everything that’s happening with your brother, you thoughtthiswas the time.”

“Mom, please don’t use me as an excuse to not listen to what Lenore is trying to tell you,” Wally says, and Mom startles next to him on the couch, like someone else just appeared there. “If anything, what’s going on with me... it should give you even more of a reason to listen to Lenore. Before it’s too late.”

The mood in the room changes as Wally’s words set in. The pot that was about to boil over is now simmering, slowed. Mom’s forehead is creased in concentration, and Dad stares at his clutched hands.

“Whatever worst-case scenarios you’re dreaming up in your head, you gotta let them go,” Wally continues. “First of all, she’s way too fashionable not to find a career that supports her clothes habit.” I feel a smile creep onto my face. “But also because she’s smart and capable and driven. Youknowthis because you raised her that way. If this is what Lenore wants, I think y’all should at least hear her out.”

He grins at me, and I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for my big brother.

“What I’m proposing isn’t forever. Just for a year,” I say, meeting both of their eyes. “You both accused me of bouncing around, of not being focused, and you’re right. Thatiswhat I’ve been doing, for... a long time. But I think the reason for that is I’ve been scared to really commit, to give myself completely to something, only to realize I’m not the best at it. I’ve felt a lot of pressure to be the best, especially in our family. So much so that I’ve given up on a lot before I even had a chance to really begin. And I want to see what happens—what I choose for myself—if I let go of that pressure, those expectations, you know? I want to see what I’m really passionate about, passionate enough to make a life doing.”

Dad exhales loudly, shaking his head. “If you have a degree, Lenore, no one can deny you.”

“It’s not like I’m not going to get a degree!” I say. I feel anger rise in my chest. Is he even listening at all? But I take a deep breath and try again. I’m not going to sway them like that. And I need to be respectful of where they’re coming from, allof the battles they’ve fought to get to where they are—so I can even be considering this as a possibility in the first place. “I know you want what’s best for me. I know you both have done things a certain way, and your lives—our lives—are wonderful because of that. I admire you, Mom and Dad. So much.” I swallow down my fear, the desire to just end this conversation right here. “But at some point, you need to trust how you raised us... and let us figure things out.”

“It’s not you I don’t trust, baby,” Mom says quietly. “It’s the world.”

“You gotta be ten steps ahead or you’re behind,” Dad says sternly, pointing his finger. “This world wasn’t built for us. This world doesn’t want us to succeed, and we can’t forget that. We can’t be complacent.”

“I know that. You’re right. You’re both right.” I rub my face. I feel tears, more traitor tears, that I didn’t even know were there. “But maybe... living how we want to in the face of that is the biggest act of resistance.”

We’re all silent. Mom is looking out the window and Dad’s face is frozen in a grimace. And that might just be the end of the conversation for now. I have to be okay with that. I shouldn’t have expected to change their opinions all in one shot. At least I got everything off my chest, and they know how I’m feeling. There’s relief in that.

“Statistics show that students who take gap years tend to outperform their peers when they return to school,” Etta says quietly, finally breaking the silence. “And it’s becoming moreand more common. In the past five years, it’s varied between fifteen to twenty percent of incoming freshmen.”

A loud laugh escapes from my lips. “How do you just know that off the top of your head?”

Etta shrugs. “I researched it. One of the students in my online sociology class at Long Beach City College mentioned taking a gap year, and I didn’t know what that meant.”