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As his girlfriend, I know I’m the one to see the worst of him. Experience the worst of his depression. It’s just too much for me. I miss him. I miss his golden eyes on mine. I say as much to Alison during our session and her only question is, “Have you talked to Amos about your feelings?”

“He dodges me every time I try to talk to him,” I say, throwing my head in my hands. “He wouldn’t even give me the time of day when news came in from The Wall that they shut down The Colosseum. That the bunker, Novus Seclorum, had been located. And when Kyle came back with Lucas after raiding the place that took my humanity from me…Amos shut down even more. I needed him. I need him now. And he couldn’t give me a single minute of his time.”

I know Amos wanted to be on that mission. A mission built on the information Jonah had given him. Information he had to trust with Kyle and Lucas because he wasn’t physically able to travel to The Wall yet. I know that kills him. I know how much he wanted to be there. To destroy the place that tried to destroy me. Hell, I wanted to go. I wanted to see it burn. I wanted to see Doctore burn. Turns out he wasn’t there. Lucky fuck.

Alison sighs, trying her best to hide the sympathy behind her eyes. “I know this is difficult. For both of you. Right now, communication is so important. If you both can’t express your feelings to each other, then you won’t be able to move on together. Would you like to use this space to open up together?”

“What, like couples therapy?” I ask.

Alison nods. “You wouldn’t be the first couple in here. But you need to understand that I don’t take sides. I will tell you both what I see and hear.”

I shake my head, staring down at my hands. “I’d like to try one more thing before dragging him to this couch. I know he loves me. I know he wants us to be together. But there’s something he isn’t telling me. I think I can reach him. I just need time.”

“You understand that the time he needs could be more than you can handle, right?” Alison’s eyes meet mine as I look up. All I can do is nod. If I say anything, I’ll break.

Chapter 42

Iwakeupina cold bed. Again. Amos and I have been “living” together for a month now, but we barely see each other and not because we are busy doing different things around campus. Amos is actively trying to avoid me. Why? I have no idea. My overthinking brain works nonstop day in and day out, trying to remember if I said anything to hurt him.

Then the intrusive thoughts that I’m not good in bed or we were only meant to be a summer fling slip into my mind. Even though I know these couldn’t be any farther from the truth, doubt has taken root like a stubborn weed. As much as I try to pull it from the foundation of my mind, it keeps growing back.

Usually Amos comes to our room in the evenings, falling to our bed in exhaustion after taking a shower. He didn’t come home last night though. I stayed up late into the night waiting for him. And now, just before the sun crests over the surrounding tree lined hills, Amos is nowhere in sight. The hollowness I feel is another reminder of how lonely I’ve been feeling since we moved in together.

What baffles me is that Amos wanted this. Amos asked if I wanted to move in with him. My silly, naive, love-drunk self thought nothing of it. All I could think of was how much alone time I’d get with Amos. Having unlimited access to his mouth, dick, and hands—now only his one hand.

We haven’t had much sex since becoming a couple. I didn’t think much about it, even after moving in with him because he’d just been through a trauma that I know needs time to heal.

And now? I feel like discarded leftovers, even though I still love him. I still want him. I still need him.

Grunting my frustration, I roll out of bed. After checking the bathroom for any signs he was here, I put on a pair of linen shorts and a tank top. The August heat blisters in the early morning, making it miserable even indoors. Though we have electricity here at The Valley, we have to conserve every bit we generate ourselves from the solar panels just outside the campus walls. We don’t have enough to turn the AC on.

After pulling on some socks and a pair of running shoes, I make my way out, setting off for a morning jog instead of going to the gym. The idea of running into Amos there has my stomach in knots. I haven’t missed a day of training since I’ve been here, but I just can’t bring myself to go today. Maybe my absence will spark a reminder that I exist. Maybe he’ll miss me if I take a turn to avoidhim.

I jog across the bridge that leads to the other half of campus. Turning left to avoid getting close to the sports center, I head directly for the health center. My mom is exactly where I expected, on the terrace with a cup of tea in hand. Even on the hottest days, my mom will still drink a hot cup of tea. I hope she’s ready for the day when there will be no more tea in stock. I wave up to her as I enter the building, turning swiftly toward the stairs leading her way.

To my surprise, she has another cup of tea waiting beside her. “Are you expecting someone, Mom?”

“Just you,” she says with an uncomfortable smile.

“Uh oh, did I do something wrong?” I sit next to her at the small round table, grabbing the warm cup of tea in my hand and cautiously take a sip.

“No. I just thought you might want to talk. I’ve noticed that you and Amos haven’t been spending a lot of time together. Is everything all right?”

So it’s obvious. I mean, of course it’s obvious. Amos doesn’t sit with me at meal times anymore. We don’t go on walks. We don’t train together.

I look out at the view of The Valley, glowing in the early morning light. “He’s just busy.”

“Hmmm.” My mom takes a sip of her tea before putting it down. “But he’s not. He doesn’t go out on patrol any more. Kyle has been helping more during training. If anything, Amos has less to do here than ever before. I think that is making him anxious.”

“Amos? Anxious?” I test the two words I never thought I’d say together as my mom nods. Perhaps she’s right. Amos’ injury was life-changing and in this limiting world, it’ll be difficult for him to adjust. “Then why won’t he talk to me? He’s barely said two words to me in weeks.”

“Have you spoken to him?” my mom asks.

“I’ve tried. He just…deflects. He was always so open with me before. Maybe he is regretting moving in with me.”

“Now that’s a thought we are going to toss right out. You are still thinking about yourself in this scenario. Have you thought about him at all? What he is going through?”

“Of course I have. I’ve been trying to help him in any way I can.”