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“Eva, if you didn’t want to be with me, you would sneak out. You would never let anyone stand in your way. It’s just who you are, and one of the reasons I’m so drawn to you.”
“So, it’s my problem. If I want to leave, this is on me, not—”
“No,” I stood, shaking my head at her. “Don’t turn this around on me. I’m saying that deep down, you want me too. You want to believe that there’s something real between us, but you’re scared. And I get that, Eva. I understand that you’ve been alone for a long time with no one to trust. I’m not asking you to leap into marriage with me. I’m asking you to trust me enough to let me in, to know that I’m not going to just walk away.”
“That goes both ways,” she shot back. “Tell me why it was Jones that had to explain the animosity between the two of you.”
My body went rigid as she glared daggers at me. My eyes flicked to the house where Jones sat in the kitchen. It was a low blow for him to go behind my back and tell her that shit.
“Yeah, I know all about how you railroaded him.”
“Eva—” I warned.
“No, it’s about time someone told you that you can’t go through life walking over other people without it coming back on you.”
“You’re only hearing his side of the story.”
“Isn’t that enough? The man was dying and you couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted. You knew better.”
“I never said I knew better,” I countered. I had to shut this down now. I was on the verge of losing my shit, and she was pushing me over the cliff with every comment out of her mouth.
“But you didn’t listen to him, just like you don’t listen to me. How am I supposed to trust you after what you did to him? How do I know that you won’t do the same thing to me?”
I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose and breathed through the agony of remembering that day. I could handle a lot of shit, but regurgitating one of the worst days of my life wasn’t one of them. She didn’t understand the decision I had to make that day, and I didn’t want her to have to.
“If you won’t tell me your darkest secrets, how can I understand the smallest thing about you?”
“Because I do what I say I’m going to do,” I snapped. “I stand by the people I care about. I fight the hardest for those I love. I would do anything for anyone, including preventing them from doing something I know they don’t really want!” I shouted.
She shoved out of her seat and got in my face. “The truth is, you decided you knew best and you left his thoughts and feelings out of the equation. It was selfish, and the only thing you did that day was prove that you’re not the man he thought you were!”
I exploded, slamming my hand against the table and tossing it off the deck. She jerked back in fear, and in that moment, I hated myself more than I ever had before.
“Whoa,” Fox said, holding his hands out as he approached.
I turned away from her, breathing hard as I linked my hands behind my head and walked off the porch. I didn’t know where I was going. I just needed to get far away from her before I lost my shit and did something I knew I would regret.
21
EVA
I just stood there,my heart racing as I watched Cash lose his shit.
Because of me.
Because I kept pushing when I should have left things alone. God, I was so stupid. I let my personal frustrations get in the way, and I said things I had no right to say. He was losing it right in front of me, struggling to maintain his grasp on his sanity while I stood by and needled him. He didn’t deserve that, especially after the way he took care of me. He watched out for me and made sure I was okay, and I repaid him by accusing him of being the worst human being on the planet. I dug at a wound that should have been left alone. And for what?
To take the heat off myself.
I sank down in my chair, feeling like a monster, knowing I had just put him under the microscope in the worst way. I knew what that felt like, so why had I done the same to him?
“You want to explain what the fuck happened?” Fox asked.
I slowly looked up at him, shame filling my features as I tried my best not to cry. I didn’t deserve to be upset over what happened. That was all on me. “I fucked up.”
“You pulled the trigger, is what you did,” he sighed, sitting beside me. He didn’t seem upset with me. Maybe more disappointed, which in my mind was worse than his anger.
“I don’t know what came over me.”