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I had no idea what he really wanted to say to me. I did know that whatever it was, it wouldn’t have been what I wanted to hear. Stan wasn’t going to suddenly admit to having feelings for me.
And quite frankly, I had no evidence he even cared for me at all. It was all a pretend relationship, and maybe some of the time he forgot he was pretending. Some, but never completely.
I’d been the fool in the situation. Stan had laid out the deal, and I’d taken it willingly. I even tried to guard my heart, but that hadn’t worked.
I had no one to blame but myself for my heartache. But I was still mad at Stan. I wasn’t mad at him for hurting me so much as I was mad he wouldn’t admit there was something there. That’s why I’d insisted on telling him it was real.
Itwasreal. It was real to me, even if it wasn’t real to him. I had no way of knowing if he’d ever actually cared for me or not, but I couldn’t just pretend like I didn’t love him.
Even if it killed me on the inside to admit it.
Admitting it was the first step to moving on. I didn’t want to, though. I didn’t want to move on. What I wanted was impossible. I wanted Stan to be someone better than he was. I wanted him to be the man I’d seen trapped in chrysalis.
Instead, he’d chosen to burrow deeper into his cocoon and refused to change.
I wept bitter tears as I finally accepted that it was all over.
Eventually, I hoped I would stop loving him.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Stan
I stared at the phone in my hand, feeling like I just couldn’t do a goddamn thing right. Wasn’t I competent at one point in my life? How could I be fucking up so much and so often?
“Here,” I said glumly, handing the phone back to the bearded biker. “Thanks anyway.”
“What happened?”
“She didn’t have time to listen to my bullshit.” I sighed. “Once again, I had a chance to try and fix things and instead I made them worse.”
“How did you make it worse?”
“I got defensive instead of listening to what she was saying. Goddamn it, the first words out of my mouth should have been ‘I love you.’ Now I’ve missed my last chance.”
“I have to ask, buddy,” the gravel-voiced biker said, meeting my gaze with lovely brown eyes. Odd that I found them appealing. “Why didn’t you make those the first words to come out of your mouth?”
“Well, I’m not sure. It was hard to make them come out of my mouth.”
“There are only two reasons that could be true.” His brow furrowed and he fixed me with a stern gaze. “Either you couldn't say them because you knew deep down you didn’t mean them… or you mean them so much it makes them hard to get out of your mouth. So which is it?”
“It’s the second,” I said without hesitation. “I mean I’ve never been in love before but I’m not sure what else this could be.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Like a motherfucker.”
“Then it’s love. If it doesn’t hurt, it’s probably not real love.” He slapped a heavy hand on my shoulder. “So what’s your next move?”
“My next move?” I laughed helplessly. “I don’t have a next move. It’s over. I’ve fired all my shots, and hell, I’ve even managed to sneak in a few extras, and I’ve blown them all. At some point you’ve just got to accept defeat.”
“I’m surprised to hear you sounding so pessimistic. Aren’t you the guy who negotiated the Voorhees merger?”
I blinked in confusion.
“You’re right, but how did you know about that? And what does it even matter now?”
“That deal is legendary. It even trickles down to my lowly ears.”