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It was almost as if it hadn’t hit me yet, Nancy beinggone. It didn’t feel like she was. It felt like she’d be at home, watching her bad TV shows. That if I called her, she’d pick up. That if I pulled into her driveway and stepped into her house, I’d find her sitting in her wheelchair out in the backyard, gazing at her algae-infested pond.
I hadn’t cried yet, not even when we arrived at her house to find the funeral home wheeling her bagged body into their hearse; I wasn’t sure what that said about me.
I could feel Sumner looking at me, no doubt withconcern in his expression over how flat my voice was. Those were the looks I’d been getting over the past few days. They only increased my unease.
“I wonder what everyone will say as an excuse,” I murmured, beginning to pick at the buttons on my vest. “Do you think you’ll say they put the wrong date on their calendar? That they were too busy with wedding preparation to come? Not everyone can use that excuse, surely.”
Sumner’s fingers caught at mine where they’d been plucking at my buttons, saving me from ripping the thread loose. “I’m sure you’re all she’d have wanted to see.”
I stared at the back of the chair in front of me. Focusing on the skin there helped me ignore the pressure that’d wrapped around my throat. “Yeah.”
“I think you missed the wedding ceremony, but you’ll still make it in plenty time for the reception.”
Mygenerousparents allowed my absence for Annalise’s wedding on the sole condition that I would be present for the reception. They made it clear that if I did not show up, they’d hunt me down.Sign our name on the guestbook,they’d told me, as if their names written on a piece of paper no one would ever read was respectful enough.
“A travesty,” I said. “I was hoping the pastor ramble about Nancy and herbubbly personalitylonger.”
“For a moment there, I thought he’d walked into the wrong funeral.”
I smirked a little before standing, squeezing Sumner’s hand once more before letting go. “Thank you for coming. For… being with me.”
“I knew Nancy, too,” he told me, blue eyes bright. He rose to his feet, too, and he laid his hands on my shoulders and forced me to face him. My body responded by swaying closer. “I’m here because I want to be.”
The weight of his hands, in reality, was slight, but it felt as though they held me heavily to the floor. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like feeling grounded to the moment. It’d been this way the past few days, Sumner picking up my hand, offering the little touches here and there. In a distant way, I appreciated it, but each time he looked at me like that—with sympathy swimming in the blue eyes of his—it felt as if I was moments away from drowning myself.
And I hated myself for feeling that way. “Don’t look at me like that,” I told him.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m going to start crying. That’s the only way you’ve been looking at me.”
“It’s okay if you do.” Sumner’s hands shifted from my shoulders to rub down my upper arms, though I couldn’t feel his touch through the fabric of my shirt. “Crying isn’t a bad thing, Margot. Sleep isn’t either, and you haven’t been getting nearly enough of it.”
I moved away enough that his hands fell off my arms. “You worry too much.”
Sumner tilted his head a little, that sad expression deepening. “Don’t push me away, Margot.”
“I’m not.”
“You are, because it’s what you do.”
Something dark rolled over me, like a cloud blocking sunlight. It left me cold, near shivering. Ididn’t look at him. I stared at Nancy’s portrait. Her smile became creepier the longer I looked. I almost wondered if it was photoshopped.
“Why don’t we skip the wedding? I’m sure everyone would understand?—”
“I can’t.” As tempting as it was, I didn’t let myself entertain his words for longer than a moment. “I have to meet the Astors.”
“Why do they matter? You’re not going to marry Aaron.”
I hesitated. I didn’t know why I hesitated, but the silence in the beat before I spoke was louder than my words. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what? You don’t know why they matter, or you don’t know if you’re marrying Aaron?”
I did not want to marry Aaron Astor. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say that. I should’ve told him Aaron was a nonissue, that meeting the Astors meant nothing, but I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t form. I normally loved Sumner’s full attention, but it felt almost suffocating now, and I hated that I felt that way. I hated myself for feeling sick when he turned to me with that concerned expression. I hated myself for it.
You like how he makes you feel, but what happens when he doesn’t make you feel good anymore?Aaron’s words, for no reason, crept back into my mind.Will you grow to resent him? Will he grow to resent you?
I closed my eyes now to block out the words, but it didn’t work.