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She gave a choked laugh. “Well, of course I know you feel desire for me. That we desire each other. We have demonstrated that,several times. But that is not enough to cancel out the constant feelings of uncertainty and the exhausting inner questioning which goes along with that emotion. At least, for me it is not.” Her gaze no longer met his. “Difficult as this is for me to say and do, I can no longer continue with our association.”
Gabriel could only stare at her, shocked beyond belief.
Hellsmere had been wrong in his summation, so very wrong. Lily was not in love with him at all.
In fact, Hellsmere had been wrong to the degree Lily was now ending things between them.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Knowing she had to bring an end to her intimacy with Gabriel had been the heartbreaking conclusion of Lily’s thoughts during the time she spent alone outside, walking on the terrace of their host’s home.
Much as it hurt her to do so, Lily knew she could not continue feeling this constant uncertainty and only living half a life, reluctant to make plans of her own because she was always waiting to see or hear from Gabriel as to when their next meeting might possibly be. To continue in this way would eventually make her even more heartsick than she already was, possibly even resulting in her becoming physically ill.
She also believed that to continue would only succeed in making her feel more jaundiced toward gentlemen of thetonthan she had ever been, rather than less so.
The thought of Gabriel now returning to being the aloof and imperious Duke of St Albans, a gentleman who had barely acknowledged her existence, filled her with despair. But this constant uncertainty of never knowing when she would see him again, and then living in fear that the next time she did seehim she would learn Gabriel’s interest in her had waned, was somehow worse.
The stunned expression on Gabriel’s haughty features told her that this was the last thing he had expected her to say to him this evening.
Lily huffed out a humorless laugh. How could it be anything else when her heart was breaking? “I can see I have surprised you with my decision. But I believe that, once you have had time to think about it, you will see it is for the best. For both of us,” she added softly.
He grimaced. “I had already half come to that same realization myself earlier today.”
A pain unlike any previous ones ripped through Lily’s chest at the realization Gabriel really was done with her. It was what she had feared might happen, but it was still difficult to actually hear those words from his own sculpted lips.
“Not because I do not want you with a fieriness of passion such as I have never known before,” he assured forcefully. “But because I do.”
Lily frowned her puzzlement. “I do not understand. If you feel that way, why would you wish to end things with me?”
“Because I was made to realize I am being unfair to you—”
“Made to realize by whom?” she prompted sharply, her eyes wide with horror at the possibility a third party might know of their scandalous arrangement.
“Hellsmere,” he dismissed. “He—”
“The Duke ofHellsmereknows of our—of our private meetings?”
St. Albans nodded. “He has admitted to knowing of our…attraction to each other, yes.”
“He said much more than that.” The gentleman himself stepped onto the terrace. From the direction of the garden rather than the house. He looked as tall and handsome as ever, wearing a dark cloak over his evening clothes. “But I believe that is for Gabriel to tell you rather than me.”
“What the hell are you doing here, Lucien?” Gabriel demanded.
“Lady Tremayne.” The Duke of Hellsmere gave her a formal bow before turning back to the other man. “William Stapleton’s secretary called in the authorities two hours ago after he found the earl’s body slumped over the desk in his study. There was a half-empty decanter of brandy and a used glass beside him, and he was still holding the pistol he had used to blow his brains out after partaking of that liquid courage,” he grimly told Gabriel without attempting to soften the news.
Lily raised an alarmed hand to her throat. “Can you possibly be referring to the Earl of Shefford, a member of Lord Salsbury’s government? That William Stapleton?”
“Yes,” Hellsmere confirmed without preamble.
Lily’s embarrassment at the Duke of Hellsmere knowing of her scandalous relationship with Gabriel was instantly forgotten in the face of this much more distressing news.
Lily didn’t know the Earl of Shefford very well, but her friend Georgiana, who was another member of the Spinsters’ Alliance, was one of his three daughters. From things Georgiana had said, she did not believe that the earl had been the most loving of fathers or husbands. But his death, by suicide, of all things, would be a terrible ordeal for them all to have to suffer through.
What possible reason could Shefford have had for doing such a terrible thing to himself and his family?
A family, Lily knew, despite Shefford being one of Lord Salisbury’s closest advisers, the earl was not always kind to.
Indeed, Georgiana’s unhappiness over her father’s behavior was often such that Lily knew it was mostly the opposite, and also the reason for Georgiana’s aversion to ever marrying. Not that the earl was physically violent toward her or her sisters or mother. No, his hurtfulness appeared to mainly be caused by his indifference to all of them.