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Taylor stared back. “It was so freeing, Derrick. To be responsible for myself, to have to be the one to take care of me and not have to depend on others. Nobody telling me what to do, nobody following me, nobody messing with my stuff. It was complete and total independence, and I loved it,” she said. It saddened her to realize that luxury, the freedom of not having everything micromanaged was gone. “So,” she said to him, holding up the box, “show me.”
“Yeah,” he nodded to her, still appearing to take in what she had said. “You know you can still have all that independence. Like I said, you’re in charge—do it how you want.”
Taylor rolled her eyes. “It’s different here. I have to do certain things a certain way, I have to act a certain way.”
“No, you’re in charge, Taylor,” he reminded her.
“Show me how to turn this on.”
He nodded, accepting her brush-off and sitting next to her. “This button here will turn it on, and then it just needs a few seconds to power up to the home screen,” he explained. He showed her how to work the basic functions and helped her get music loaded.
Taylor called up one of her downloaded songs and smiled from ear to ear. “This is great.”
“That looks familiar,” Derricks said, and Taylor looked to the TV and then around the room.
“What does?” Taylor asked completely distracted.
“Your smile.”
Taylor looked quickly back down at her new phone; she was blushing.
“And so does that. You never could take a compliment.”
Taylor rolled her eyes and was about to tell him off, but Derrick beat her to it.
“You know you were the shit last night on that plane.”
That made Taylor smile. “It was pretty amazing watching those guys squirm like lab rats while I spoke.”
“You know you got this, right?”
Taylor shook her head. “I don’t have anything. I have no idea what I am doing,” she looked to the windows. “It was just the adrenaline. I was just in the moment. I can’t make decisions—”
Derrick suddenly grabbed her hand with one of his and forced her chin up with the other, “What are you afraid of?”
Taylor thought for a minute. Whatwasshe afraid of? “I don’t know,” she breathed at him.
“Yes you do. Say it,” he demanded.
Taylor swallowed. “I’m afraid I will make it worse. I’m afraid I’ll fail,” she admitted.
“You were never like that when we were together. You were never afraid of talking like that to me, showing me who was boss, running the show.”
“That’s because you’re you,” Taylor said quickly. Oh man, why did she say that? But that was it, wasn’t it? He was easygoing; he went along with everything; he trusted her. She did feel in control and able to see rationale from him and adjust. “And there was no pressure,” she said. Again she wanted to smack herself. What was with these group-therapy admissions? Did he have her hypnotized?
“And now?”
Taylor shook her head, getting Derrick’s hand off of her chin.Hell no, Dr. Freud, not this time.“Derrick, drop it. This is not therapy. I am not going to sit here and—”
“Listen to me,” Derrick said firmly, as Taylor tried to pull her hand from his. “You can do this, Taylor,” he said, more softly this time. “You need to trust yourself, listen to yourself. You were never unsure when we were kids because you knew what you were talking about. You could figure out what worked and what didn’t, and if it didn’t work out right, you could readjust. You knew when you needed help, and you still have all of that, you still possess all of that forethought. It’s in you. You just have to trust in yourself. And you have gotta trust me,” he said softly.
“You gotta talk to me, Taylor. I want to be there for you. I want to be a friend to you. A good friend like you have always been for me.” Derrick put a hand to her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb, “I screwed up—a lot. I know you don’t want to go there, but I was stupid and I wasn’t what you needed. But I want to be what you need now. I want to help you. This is a huge responsibility with lots of people depending on you. Of course you don’t want to fail. You would have to be crazy to not be scared, but if you keep it in, you’ll crack under the pressure. I won’t let you do that to yourself. You can totally do this. Not just because you are smart and beautiful, but because you are a take-charge person when you let go of all that fear you are holding inside.”
Taylor could not have been more shocked by his speech just now. She sat back into the couch, away from his touch, and took it all in. He was totally right. She could fail, and that would be it. She was it. She was the last of a line, a dynasty. If she failed she would fail not only a legacy but also thousands, if not millions of people, and it would be on the stage for all to see.
The most bothersome part of the whole speech, however, was how Derrick was able to get inside her head. How much he still seemed to know her and how she thought, better than even she could have put into words.
But he hurt you, a little voice said, and suddenly the pain of the memories came rushing back. Because even though she had told him she didn’t want to go there, a piece of her was still there. She was a woman; it was an evolutionary glitch that she would always go back to the past. Taylor closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch, “I just want to wake up from this dream.”