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“You’re not Theo, but you’ve got a positive outlook of your own. I said it before: nobody would have moved here from New York, bought this house, started a business from scratch without one.”
“That was more going after what I wanted than outlook. I could afford it. Afford the time, the money. If I failed? Big fucking deal. I could go back to what I did before. I’m good at it.”
“You may think that, but you wouldn’t have.”
He didn’t know why he felt very nearly angry, but he felt temper scraping at him. “How do you know?”
“Because you clearly love this, and you clearly didn’t love that. Being good at something doesn’t mean you love it. I’m good at math, but I’d rather mow the lawn than sit down and do calculus.”
It amazed him someone so insightful just couldn’t get it.
“Jesus, listen. The point is I had that fail-safe, that safety net. It wasn’t that big a risk.”
“Again, you may think that. It’s just not what I see.”
“You got pieces and parts, that’s all.” He felt his frustration building and didn’t know what the hell to do with it. “How can you understand what I came from? There’s no cruelty in your background, in your family.”
“No, there’s not. But I live in the world. More, I’m a cop, and I see plenty of it.”
“Not the same, it’s not the same. Thatwasmy world. It was Theo’s, but they never broke him.”
“How much of that’s because you stood in front of him so they couldn’t? I’m at a loss here, Nash. Are you trying to get me to think less of you because you had lousy parents? Or worry you’re going to become like them? That’s just not going to happen.”
“No. I’m not sure. I want you to understand… I came here for my own reasons. You weren’t part of them.”
“Okay.” She slid her hands into her pockets. Those eyes of hersdidn’t waver but stayed steady on his. “Do you want me to take my ball and go home?”
“No.” Incensed, he turned away, dragged his hands through his hair. Nothing helped clear his thoughts so he could just say them out loud. “Let’s go inside. The wind’s starting to kick. You must be cold.”
“I’m not. I like it out here. It seems to me it’s good to have plenty of air when you want to air out. You’ve got something you want to say, so say it. If you want to slow things down or break things off, I’d rather know it now, straight out, then have you keep circling around it.”
“I’m not saying that. That’s not what I want.”
“Then stop pissing me off and tell me what the hell you’re saying, what the hell you want.”
“I didn’t come here for you.” He turned back. “I wasn’t looking for you now any more than I was years ago when I looked up and saw you standing on the damn deck cleaning up after her.
“Why do I remember that? The girl on the deck, long blond ponytail, little red shorts, a white T-shirt. I shouldn’t remember that.”
“I remember all sorts of odd things.”
“I saw you walking last fall, last winter, every step an effort. I couldn’t get you out of my head. Then you show up at my door in that damn uniform, that damn hat, and I can’t get you out of my head.”
“And you want to?”
“No. I did,” he admitted, “and I tried. Or I told myself I should. But no, that’s not what I want. I saw you on the goddamn deck, Sloan. And I saw you walking the lake. I’ve been tripping over you for years without knowing it, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it, about you, about this. You weren’t part of the plan.”
“Aren’t you the one who told me plans adjust?”
“Adjusting’s one thing, but you have to know what to do next. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know how to handle being in love with you.”
Her breath expelled in one long exhale. “Oh.”
“It’s another fucking first. I’ve been with women, cared about them, wanted them. But I never loved one. I wasn’t sure I had that in me, considering. But I do, when it’s you. And I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Well.” She let out that long breath again. “Join the club. I’m president. You can be treasurer, since you’re so good with money.”
Baffled, frustrated, he pressed his fingers to his eyes. “I don’t know what the hell that means.”